The Absurd Mission/Chapter 4

Chapter Four: I Didn't Expect That
Austin reached for the folder-

"WE FOUND 'EM BOYS, WE FOUND 'EM!"

"COPS! OH CRUD, I DIDN'T EXPECT COPS!" PWNsta shouted. "Flee for your lives!"

A tape recorder clicked and a jarring chord was heard. Out of the bushes came four penguins, all in red robes. Three were wearing capirotes and one was wearing pilot goggles. Gold necklaces were around their necks, and the pendant bore an extremely familiar, calligraphic letter "T". The one with the pilot goggles was obviously their leader.

   "NOBODY EXPECTS THE ANTARCTIC INQUISITION!!"    

The hooded Inquisitors quickly surrounded PWNsta and the others, but Austin deftly fled and climbed into the towering foilage, watching what was going on. The penguins grabbed each black shopkeeper and tied their flippers behind their backs, and them tying them all to trees.

"The Inqusition?" one said. "Don't you only get immoral weirdos to confess their wrongs?"

"AMONGST OUR MANY DIVERSE PRACTICES IS PRESERVING MORALITY."

"So what are you doing here?"

"You are charged with committing indecency on THREE ACCOUNTS- indecency by thought, indecency by word, indecency by deed, and indecency by action- wait, FOUR accounts!!"

"You haven't explained the charges!"

"Fine. INQUISITOR OVER THERE. EXPLAIN THE CHARGES."

"PWNsta, Gangsta, Rondo, and minions, your Black Market operation falls under the hallowed jurisdiction of the Antarctican Inquisition because you are selling unclean PORNO."

"WHAT?!? We would NEVER possess that. We don't even KNOW how to get that!"

"No you fool, P.O.R.N.O.! It stands for Putrid, Obscene, Rambunctious, or Nefarious Objects. You have been smuggling Un-CP PORNO for public viewing, and these aren't obscene, but they ARE nefarious."

"EXACTLY!!!" the goggles-wearing inquisitor shouted. Said Inquisitor held up a scapbook with images mocking Aunt Arctic and Rockhopper, bearing text that ridiculed the establishment and satrically libel Club Penguin and its public figures.

"THESE ARE EVIL ITEMS THAT MUST BE BURNED, AND YOU MUST BE BROUGHT TO EXTRAJUDICIAL ARREST AND DETAINMENT! ALSO, AMONGST YOUR ILLEGAL WEAPONRY ARE DIVERSE, STOLEN ELEMENTS SUCH AS BAYONETS, GUNS, ROCKET LAUNCHERS, AND KNICICLES."

"We're hauling all of you to our special detainment centers to practice ENHANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES!" the Inquistor smirked, and the other sprobably did too, under those hoods.

"HA! HA HA! HA!" they all laughed at once. Austin, meanwhile commeted to himself: "...diabolical laughter..."

"HA. HA... HA HA. Uhh..." the goggled Inquistor stopped and had his minions untie them from the trees. "Now, take them away!"

"Yes my liege!"

Free Weapons
The Inquistors picked up the Black Market penguins and ran off. They only took the PORNO and the documents, the weapons and money were left undisturbed.

Austin did not feel guilty for letting the other criminals take the fall. After all: FREE WEAPONS!

Austin quickly took all of the weapons, ammunition, and money and stashed them into his inventory.

"You have found a semi-automatic Mavv machine gun. Would you like to pick it up?" his player card informed, waiting for consent to put it into his inventory.

"Yes." Austin said, hurriedly.

"You have found sixteen rounds of Ditto stunning bullets, of multiple caliber. Would you like to pick it up?"

"Yes...." Austin said.

"You have found-"

"YES! YES!" Austin said, frustrated. Eventually, he added every item to his inventory. He looked for the files, but noticed they were gone.

"SHOOT! THIS CLOSE!" he muttered.

That was quite a day. He had obtained many weapons and a lot of money, plus some delicious Judgies and cactus juice, though he wouldn't drink such a thing.

Austin yawned loudly and ascended a tree. Using a spare article of clothing, he tied himself to the branches so that he wouldn't fall out. Standing still and closing his eyes, Austin drifted into a deep, peaceful sleep.

The Next Day
Austin awoke to a snowball splatting on his face. He heard voices below.

"Dude, that's a penguin in a TREE!"

"Let's throw snowballs at him!"

"What's he doing up there?"

Austin got hit by several more snowballs. This was NOT an ideal way to wake up. Austin groaned and sat up. He got hit in the face again. There was lots of laughing below them. He glared at them. "Hey, quit it!" He got hit with more snowballs.

"Whaddya gonna do about it, Treeguy?"

Austin pulled out a snowball gun and shot him.

"THAT'S what I'm gonna do about it."

The ditto took effect instantly, and he dropped to the floor. The other penguins broke up instantly and started running away. Austin groaned and went back to bed.

He woke up about an hour later, got out of the tree, and thought for a while. He could go after Rondo and those Inquisition fellows to get those documents, but that would be suicidal.

Those Inquistion fellows were CREEPS. Manical laugh, capriotes, hoods.... Not to mention that he was lucky to escape the first time.

He could look for more mercenaries, but currently there wasn't any. He thought about what he should do. Maybe he could relax. Relaxing was nice, but he couldn't do too much. SN would be mad.

Or, he could go examine that RDA Recycling Center. There was definetly a base there. Those guns weren't fakes.

He pulled one out of his inventory and set it to "Flamethrower." It melted a radius of snow where he shot.

Then he set it to "Deletion" and shot a nearby tree. The tree vanished. Austin stuffed it back into his inventory. Definetly real. And after all, he was somewhere in the island's forests. Probably in the Expedition somewhere, cause noobs didn't just pop up in the middle of nowhere.

He traveled for a while, back to the noise he heard. There were a couple penguins trying to determine which way to go. Austin figured that if he went the way they came from, he'd end up in the forest.

After a while of hurridly waddling, Austin entered the Mine area. There was a mine shack, surrounded by a large tree on one side, and a garden with a small shed on the other side. Nearby was the Recycling Center. Austin headed into the recycling center, and closed the door. Inside was a large machine, making a lot of noise, and a few penguins with hard hats throwing garbage into part of it. Austin looked around.

Where the heck could a RDA BASE be in here? There was a guy sitting on a chair tapping buttons, and a guy at a desk with a computer.

There was also a metal stairway, leading up to a door. Austin waddled up it and looked around. It appeared like there was nothing but... Hey, a couple buttons! He clicked the green button. Suddenly, the machine started going twice as fast. The workers started waving their arms and shouting at him.

He clicked the red button. The machine stopped. One of the workers started climbing up the stairs towards him, yelling.

Austin clicked the green button again. The machine turned back on. Finally, Austin clicked the blue button. An identification probe shot out of the wall.

"RECITE YOUR NAME"

Austin backed up a bit. "I'm Austin8310."

"VOCAL PATTERNS MATCH. STATE PURPOSE"

Austin stepped up and thought for a second. Then he paused and said "Swiss Ninja's orders." A hatch in the floor opened, and he leapt into it.