A Rihanna Carol

✅

In tune with a familiar nerd's transformation in days long gone by, the Bureau of Fiction's Commission on Morality chose the young and apathetic Agent Meltie to learn a quick lesson in Christmas morality. Haunted by a set of mystical headphones, Rihanna takes a journey into the past, present, and future in a short tale that will not take nearly as much time to read as that old similar novel of yore.

Chapter 1: I Really Do Hate Christmas
One snowy day in South Pole City, Agent Meltie, often referred to as Agent, AM, or even Rihanna, was on her way to her job at the mall. It was December the twenty-fourth, Christmas Eve, and she seemed unfazed by the colorful red-and-green decor all around her. Sure, she knew the holidays were coming up, but all that was on her mind was what she would do once the holidays were over. Everything was so stressful around that time - all oriented towards giving and generosity and kindness. It could've almost melted her cold Gothguin heart, had she been any less apathetic to it all.

She walked up to the McDoodle's counter in the food court, frowning as she often did. She hated her job, but loved the money, so she didn't complain (at least, not when she was working). It was now time for her to commence clocking in to the worst job in the world.

Her boss, Mr. Bitter, walked up to her, interrupting her typical routine. He was wearing a Santa hat and a fake white beard that looked like a mess of cobwebs. He also looked surprisingly happy, as if nothing had gone horribly wrong yet. "Rihanna? Why aren't you in uniform?" Mr. Bitter handed Agent an elf costume complete with pointy shoes.

"New uniform? Not really my style, Bitter."

"Don't call me that, miss. And we discussed this at the meeting. Wait - were you even at last week's meeting?"

"No, Mr. Bitter. I was sick," she informed him. This was only partially true. She called in sick to get out of working.

"Sick... sounds fairly believable to me," he replied. "But I'm glad to see you back and in the swing of things! Go ahead and get changed."

"Fine, but I'm not doin' it here." She grabbed the costume and waddled into the changing room of Emo Fashionz, stashing away her plain black uniform into the bag Mr. Bitter had provided her with. At least she could change in this familiar Gothic haven.

"Eew, it's green," she moaned, looking down at the new outfit. A green dress, made of an itchy felt material. A large, jingling hat with fake elf ears on the side. And to complete the look, a set of red pointed shoes with bells on the tips. Surely these were not non-slip. Agent sighed and held her head down. Her job was stupid already, and the typically bitter Mr. Bitter being happy about the festivities made it worse. She hated Christmas. She hated holiday cheer. She was usually negative and angsty about life, but the holiday season only seemed to exacerbate that. She wanted a black Christmas tree with no ornaments. It was once a holiday suggestion, shut down by her family. CHRISTMAS WAS TOO CHEERY.

"Worst job in the world," she mumbled as she walked into the food court. "Welcome to McDoodle's, how may I help you?" she added to a customer, immediately slipping into her fake customer service voice.

The customer tapped his beak. "I'd like a double Fishburger with extra pickles, a small fry, and a medium Orange Fizz Master."

"$7.23, please."

The penguin handed Agent the money. In about a minute, the over-processed, artery-clogging fast food was ready for the customer. He'd be lucky if he didn't have a heart attack at this time of day.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Rihanna faked as he waddled off with his tray. Then, she trailed off with a sigh. "...if you're not me."

Chapter 2: Christmas Past
That night, Agent couldn't sleep. Her weird dreams had returned (they were sometimes seasonal). She dreamed of a Christmas tree eating her, the jolliness of a fake pine tree with all its baubles and lights consuming her darkness. She woke up, immediately startled and uncomfortable. A sharp pain jabbed her in the neck, suddenly feeling like a boa constrictor choking her. She screamed loudly, not even knowing how her headphone set got around her neck.

"What's wrong?" asked a strange voice.

She screamed again. First it was the seasonal dreams, now she was most certainly hallucinating something.

"Stop screaming, will ya? It's me, your headphone set." The headphone set nuzzled more around her neck, nearly choking her.

"What the-"

"Never mind that, lady. I'm gonna show you your Christmas past."

"Christmas past?" Agent raised an eyebrow in confusion. "And just how will you do that? Are you, like, a Time Lord or something? Taking me on trips in a big blue box?"

The headphones moved closer to her, pulling themselves over where her ears would be. "I'm no Doctor, but I'll try my best without your sarcasm, miss." A strange buzzing sound emerged from the headphones. A loud screech followed.

"Shut up, will ya?!" the headphones yammered, frustrated with Agent's fear.

"But it wasn't me! It must have been the wind."

The headphone set loudly sighed. "Go outside to see if everything's okay."

"Okay." Agent put the headphones in her right flipper and stepped into the foyer, peering her head in. She saw an eight-year-old penguin with black feathers and wavy pigtails opening presents by a Christmas tree.

The girl gasped. "A Snowtendo 64!" She glared at a woman, who resembled Mrs. Meltissimo, Agent's mother. "It's about time," the girl grumbled.

A little purple penguin in pink pajamas crawled along the floor, pulling a little rocket-shaped toy. "Pwesent," she gurgled. The younger RS grabbed a wrapped box and tried to yank it open, falling on her butt in the process.

She should've helped her, Agent thought, ''but she's too preoccupied with that bratty behavior. Kids are like that, I guess''.

AM watched as the little black penguin continued digging through the pile under the tree. "Where are my other presents, Mom?" the girl asked.

"That was... really all we could do this year," the girl's mother explained. "Money is tight, you know. The Snowtendo is a gift for the family, but I knew you'd love it the most!"

"The family?" the younger Agent Meltie yelled, startling her younger sister into tears. "I'm the only one who actually wants to play video games here. And you didn't even get anything good. Just... boring sports games!"

"I-I'm sure they'll be fun, dear."

The older Agent watched on in horror. "Oh, man," she muttered into the headphone set. "Did I really act like that?"

"Yes," the headphones simply replied. "And it was embarrassing."

The scene continued, spiraling into a tantrum from the younger Gothguin. It was hard to watch, and definitely embarrassing. Agent Meltie wanted to run in, disrupt the scene, do anything, but something told her she wasn't going to have any real effect on this awful scene.

"I was such a horrible kid..." Agent muttered, slinking against the wall until she was finally seated. "Is this why I hate the holidays so much? Because I got so upset over the Snowtendo?"

The headphones said nothing in response.

"That Snowtendo was really fun," she reminisced. "Once I got over myself, I was able to have a lot of fun with my family. But... I just wish I hadn't been so bratty."

"And you make it seem like that brattiness was only in your childhood," the headphone set said. "Curious!"

"Huh?"

Before she could get clarification, her alarm clock started to ring.

Chapter 3: Christmas Present
Agent Meltie woke up, sighing deeply and yawning. She rubbed the morning gunk from her green eyes. "That sure was a weird dream." She got up and pulled out her laptop in headphones, ready to start her morning with music as usual.

"Hey," said the headphone set. "Back for more?"

Agent screamed, tossing the pair of headphones off her head. The headphones toppled to the floor. Her heart racing, she leaned over to close the laptop, but eventually got down on the carpet to pick up the headphones. Hopefully she hadn't thrown them too hard - they were sort of her prized possession.

"Good, you didn't kill me," the time-traveling headphones sighed.

"Why are you here again?" Rih asked the headphone set as she pulled it around her neck.

"I've still gotta show your Christmas present."

Agent squealed happily, something she was not frequently doing in life. "Christmas present? Oh, that's exciting!"

She ran out and found herself waking up on Christmas morning. The first thing the penguin did was look to see if Santa Claus ate the milk and cookies. They were still on the coffee table, now stale and crumbly. The milk was spilled, a white mess still dripping onto the linoleum.

She checked her stocking. No candy canes, no video games, or fruit, or even Christmas candy, but instead a lump of coal (not even the chocolate kind!) with a message taped to it.

"Happy holidays, Rihanna. That's right. I didn't even say 'Merry Christmas' to you.

You've been on my naughty list for eighteen years because of your brutal negativity, rudeness, sneakiness, disobedience, insubordination, dishonesty, disrespect, irreverence to your parents, extreme sibling rivalry, actual crimes, villainy, and for vandalism- I've never seen anyone use that much spray paint on one building before! That, and I really don't like your attitude, punk. Hope you enjoy this cruddy Christmas.

May the sky programmers have mercy upon you, -Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle; Santa Claus.""

Agent crumpled up the letter and tossed it into the burning fireplace with the agility of a pro basketball player. She remained silent and kept a stone face, but deep inside, she began to feel... betrayed. It wasn't her fault she was this way. Sure, she did some things she shouldn't have, but what teenagers didn't rebel or resort to violence and crime from time to time?

She walked towards the tree expecting a colony of cool presents, many with her name on the tags. There was only one, labeled "To Agent, from Rocketta with Love." Agent opened it eagerly. It was, unfortunately, just a stack of sticky notes, each one saying, "Just kidding! You're too mean to get a present from me! Love, RS.".

Agent Meltie paused. "That's a new addition. I must have been... really naughty this year." Tears began to well up in her eyes.

The other Agent Meltie peeked from behind a corner. "No way. Is it really going to be that bad?"

Meanwhile, Rocket Slug ran down the stairs, laughing and dancing victoriously at her stepsister's downfall. "April Fools!" the purple penguin shouted, pointing a flipper in Agent's face. "You just got sticked!"

Agent sniffed. "First thing's first: It's not April, jerk. And second, when you give someone a gift, give them something they actually w-want!" She began to cry some more, her eyes leaking like waterfalls.

Phineas34720 smirked. He had been hiding behind RS the whole time. After all, he was only 3 feet tall, although pretty tall for an Adelie. "Hey, don't cry. I got you something you'll love."

Agent Meltie wiped a tear from her eye. "R-really?"

"Yeah. Gimme a moment," he replied, running back upstairs and then returning. He came back holding a fruitcake, which Agent was about to take until he snatched it away. "Oh, yeah, it's missing something." He slapped on the bow from the wrapping on Rocket's rude gift. "Merry Christmas, sis. One fruitcake for the fruitcake."

Both Agents, the one watching what tomorrow would be like, and the one in the vision, cried.

Chapter 4: Christmas Future
Agent Meltie woke up again, with the crazy dreams running circles in her thoughts. Her eyes were still wet with tears. "Why do I have all these weird dreams? That's Rocket's thing!"

She got up from her bed, holding a skull-shaped pillow like a shield. "I'm armed, Mr. Headphones. Don't think you can sneak up on me anymore. My boyfriend's a ninja and a poet!" She then cocked the pillow, imagining a gun-cocking sound in her head as she did so.

Metalmanager, meanwhile, who was asleep in his own bed 20 miles from here, screamed suddenly to the heavens, "I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

The headphones leaped up (as puffles do) and fixed themselves onto Agent's neck.

"Just... tell me it's you," she muttered, dropping the pillow. "I promise I won't scream."

"It's your headphone set."

The Gothguin broke her promise, erupting into a scream.

"Ugh...you're so annoying!! You've still gotta see your Christmas future. Y'know, what it'll be like seventy years from now."

"Okay, whatever..." Agent rolled her eyes, heart racing from all of this insanity. "You know, I don't really like these time-traveling trips..."

The bedroom jiggled. The pillow slipped off the bed, rolled around, hit the roof, and dropped on her head.

Not even a minute later, the bedroom had stopped jiggling, but she was no longer at home. She waddled outside and realized that her door had led her to Snowflake Valley Retirement Home. She knew this because of her sister's persistent pestering to volunteer there. She took the elevator into the lobby of the facility, where assorted geezers were sitting in chairs and benches with their posterity hugging them, all laughing and having a grand time. It was then that she heard sniffling from around the corner. She gasped as she saw an old penguin in Gothic black- what seemed to be a mourning dress - at the counter. The oldster rang the service bell and a younger staff member approached.

"Excuse me," the shaky figure groaned in a crackly voice. "Has anyone come to visit me? It's... it's Christmas, you know..."

"Miss Meltissimo-Slugster*, no one has visited you since you were inducted to the Home. I'm sorry, but... I don't think you're getting any visitors this year..."

"Oh. Oh...all right..." The senior hobbled away and sat down near a Christmas tree. She turned towards the stockings hanging onto the radiator in the corner of the room. The one with her name on it was empty. The elderly Rihanna held her beak in her flippers and sobbed.

*Jim left her many years ago because she was too bossy and negative.

Agent, meanwhile, sniffled and dabbed her eyes with her nightgown sleeve. "Am I really going to be that lonely?"

"Mm-hm," the headphones added. "Mm-hm.....mm-hm..."

Chapter 5: A Changed Bird
Agent woke up for hopefully the last time. "Wow, that was one weird dream." She pulled on her headphones, waiting for the usual reply and time-traveling adventure. "Hello? Mr. Headphones? Am I going to experience psychological torment once again?"

Her headphone set was surprisingly silent.

Agent smiled. "Awesome." She put the headphones on top of her computer and heard bells ringing and holiday music from outside her window. Instead of her usual "KEEP IT DOWN!", she opened up the window and called out, "Merry Christmas!" to all the children, who were terrified of her sudden holiday cheer and began to run.

She waddled downstairs. The rest of her family, her mother, her stepfather, her stepsister, and her brother were all waiting for her. She smiled as big as she could and ran towards the tree. Instead of looking for a present with her name on the label, she looked for the Christmas pickle first. It was behind the "Christmas Mabel" ornament of Mabel wearing a Christmas hat and screaming in a little plastic speech bubble. An extra gift magically appeared with a note attached to it.

The family grabbed their stockings from the mantle and dumped them out. Agent heard cries of, "No WAY!" "That's awesome!" "I'm saving that candy for later!" and "This'll come in handy." Agent smiled, dumping her stocking out herself. It was filled with all sorts of candy, trinkets, and wonderful goodies. She found a note at the bottom. It read,

'Dear Rihanna Meltissimo-Slugster:

''It's great that you discovered the secular half of the True Meaning of Christmas. That was truly wonderful! Have a happy holiday and don't forget that Christmas is not about getting a Vii U or whatever, it's about family time and the spirit of giving. And giving makes you feel good, right?''

Merry Christmas, Rihanna.

Love, Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle; Santa Claus.

Agent smiled and folded up the letter. She would keep it forever.

The family began to open their gifts. Once again, happy, joyful Christmas gift cries abounded. Agent had bought everyone a gift, instead of not doing any holiday shopping at all. This was the first year she had driven to the mall and bought each and every gift herself, despite her disdain for the holiday cheer.

After the gift opening, Agent noticed one last gift. It was wrapped in newspaper comics and it had a note sticking out of the bow. She opened it up and found a new coffee machine, perfect for use by the entire family. The second note said,

''Just in case you've already forgotten about that note I left in your stocking. Just be good. -Santa''

She kept that too.

When everyone was opening up the packages, Agent plugged in the coffee machine and made a cup without sugar or sweeteners. She liked her coffee black, just like her metal. Rocket was headbanging to the music she had on her new icePhone 5, and Phineas using his building set to make a fort big enough for him. Agent put down her mug and read the notes again. They gave her a warm-and-fuzzy Christmas feeling inside, and she would definitely treasure that forever.

Phineas stood up and stood by Agent. "Whatcha readin'?"

Agent thought for a second, tapping her beak with the spoon she stirred her black coffee with. "Nothing. Just a bit of Christmas cheer." She walked upstairs to her bedroom and got dressed. Despite her cheer, she couldn't abandon her gloomy appearance, but maybe a set of fake elf ears wouldn't hurt.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" she screamed out the window happily. The children were still scared out of their minds.

Fin