ASTERISK WALRUS

ASTERISK WALRUS, also known as Teh Spammah by his accomplices, is the asterisk-obsessed spammer of the Walrus Crime Ring. Although his real name is Hasterik Wäruss, he prefers to be called ASTERISK WALRUS. He was born on January 1st 2000.

Early Life
Hasterik Wäruss was born on the 1st of January 2000, to two walruses in the Arctic, and reportedly had a one-day-older sister named Hastage. But these were not any old evil, penguin-hating walruses. His parents were naïve, Alemania-praising walruses, and to prove this they changed their family names from the traditional, old Walrus-ian "₧₪" to the Alemanian-sounding Wäruss. Hasterik's parents subconsciously taught their children to be naïve 24/7/365, and as a result Hasterik and Hastage became hopelessly naïve. Their parents even taught them the Alemanian language, which gave Hasterik his Alemanian accent. The family stayed together, with no particular events, for four and a half naïve years, until the day when they were all fishing, and a message in a bottle washed up on shore. The message said that it was the Annual Cheese Festival, and they, or at least one of them, should get on a raft and dock on the first island they find.

Being naïve, the family told Hasterik that he had better set off and tell them that they would love to come if they could, but unfortunately they didn't have the time so they would prefer to meet next year. Unfortunately, the message was a fake, and was sent by ship-wreckers in order that when the next animal comes along and crashes on the nearby "islands", that is, jagged rocks, the wreckers can jump on them and steal their money and possessions. After having made a raft, a fishing rod, ten rocks tied together on a two-mile length of rope for an anchor, some rags for sails and makeshift oars, Hasterik took a small pebble (of which he was fond of, and was planning to use as a lucky charm) and set off, reminding himself that if he went on straight he would be safe.

After two nights of floating on sea, he woke up and found a compass washed on his raft. Since the tip happened to be conveniently at "N", he figured out he was heading south-west, and continued steering that way. After many days and nights wondering if he would accomplish his journey (and much worrying that his sails will tear), he eventually forgot the reason why he set off, and began aimlessly steering, rowing and sailing this way and that, living on freshwater fish. Eventually, two months later, when he was thinking about giving up and going back, he spotted land. Hoping it was his homeland, he rowed eagerly towards it, but crashed his boat on rocks and lost everything he had, including his charm.

Later Life
After safely scrambling onto land, he began wondering whether this was the Arctic. He noticed that the trees and the landscape were very different to that he had been used to, and was seriously considering repairing his raft and turning back, when a penguin saw him. The penguin, thinking Hasterik was part of the Walrus Crime Ring, screamed like there was no tomorrow, and ran away. Hasterik, startled by the piercing sound, accidently pushed the sad remainders of the raft into the sea, and, being so naïve to the point that he could neither swim or make/repair a raft, miserably watched his last hope drifting away in the current. At that moment, however, an equally naïve penguin went up to him, and asked if he needed help. Hasterik, who was starving from the lack of fish as he entered Antarctican seas due to the fishing population, accepted the kind, naïve penguin's offer, and ended up living in that penguin's attic, only coming out for his meals and, being a very kind penguin, education, and told him that he was in Club Penguin.

Hasterik was very happy in those days, and became chronically naïve. Unfortunately, one day, the penguin had to leave the house to inspect something new at his office (he ran an office, meaning he was lucky enough to not need to go to work often), and, in his hurrying, forgot to lock the door. The door banged loudly from the wind, which attracted the curious walrus from emerging from his abode, and accidently wandered out, where he was seen by a large group of penguins. Luck was not with Hasterik on that day, because there were recent complaints of burglaries done by unseen creatures, and Hasterik, being a walrus, was naturally assumed to be part of the Walrus Crime Ring, and thus was thought to have been finishing a day's robbing. The penguins were fifteen teachers and their ten-year-old students, and were divided into three groups. Upon seeing him, the first group (mostly the teachers) screamed, the next (mostly the students) bravely jumped on Hasterik and pinned him down, and the remaining penguins called the police to come and arrest him. Hasterik, although he tried hard to deny the claims of burglary, was successfully arrested and placed in prison, with a ten-year sentence.

One night, when he was contemplating on how nice it was for the kind police agents to have given him his own private home (he was so naïve he had actually not understood the concept of burglary properly), he heard a scratching noise behind him. Turning round, he saw that he was being visited by a walrus (who was digging a tunnel to get in unobserved) from the Walrus Crime Ring, who offered to set him free on one condition - if he joined the group and became evil. Being so naïve, Hasterik accepted because he thought that the Walrus Crime Ring was a fancy-dress club where they help the underdog and the evil to reform, and the walrus picked the lock easily and ran out with him. When Hasterik reached the headquarters of the Crime Ring, Hasterik was almost turned down for his ultra-naïve-ness, but they decided to keep in anyway because his naïve-ness meant that not many would suspect him due to the existence of good walri.

At first, he was disappointed as the crime ring didn't live up to his expectations, and tried to run away unsuccessfully a few times. In order to force him to reform to evil, they began to give him anti-naivety lessons everyday and repeated the point that he should become a successful villain, and he swallowed the information very well as he was so naïve that accepting information was second-nature to him. They also told him that his character was a lie to make other creatures be able to be nasty with him better, as they put it, which also helped. Slowly but surely, he became more and more evil, and he soon discovered the concept of spam. Entranced by this, he became engrossed in learning how to do it, and his final naivety lesson ended a month after the beginning of his spam-class. Thanks to his studies, he finally became a spammer in 2010 - arguably his favourite day in his life.

Later-Current Life
However, one day in 2016, he found that his salary had shrunk - more than half was cut off due to reparations of the HQ, and computers. This angered ASTERISK so much, he rebelled against the other walri and left the HQ.

Nobody knew what happened to him after that. He just disappeared completely. However, it is known that he became naïve again, and he applied for a job at PASCAR. He was accepted, and he became the PASCAR driver of the Walri 'R' Us team for a short time, but thanks to his atrocious driving, he was replaced with RacerWalrus.

With nothing else left, he returned to the Crime Ring, and to persuade him to stay, they invented the "Walrus Spamming Awards", and they made sure he won every single one - he is the only spammer in the group, after all - and he was so naïve, he didn't realize it was a trick, and he decided to stay.

Apart from that incident, he has been satisfied with his new position as Spammer for a very long time. However, his naïve-ness hadn't entirely disappeared.

Autobiography
''ASTERISK WALRUS has written (at least, dictated) a page of autobiography, which is short enough to be included in every book on walruses. The unabridged edition is what you see below, complete with his special "ME" stamp-signature.''

*************ASTERISK WALRUS************** likes *************ASTERISKS!!!!!**************. If you find *************ASTERISKS!!!!!************** very *************ASTERISKLY************** annoying, turn back now, away from the *************ASTERISKS!!!!!**************.

*************ASTERISK WALRUS************** and his *************ASTERISKS!!!!!**************
************* ASTERISK WALRUS************** owns his own private *************ASTERISKSEUM**************. He is very fond of it. It holds many things such as *************PARTY HATSTERISKS************** and many other things. *************ASTERISK WALRUS************** also has his own private *************ASTERIZOO**************. It is home to many creatures such as *************ASTERIPUFFLES************** and *************ASTERIPIFFLES**************.

INSINCERELY,



Trivia

 * Since he cannot spell properly, he uses a stamp of himself instead of writing his signature.