Salt and the City

✅

This story follows the life of Penstubal as he pushes the reset button for his life and moves to the city of Wizzint in the Shopper state of Moon Island, eventually getting Shopper citizenship. The story takes place from 2019 all the way until 2044, and offers a detailed description into Penstubal's daily life, from his early days as an immigrant and a professor, all the way to his turbulent and action-packed presidency. The story covers the insane amount of trouble he ran into dealing with Chill57181 and Penquino, who seem, in Penstubal's eyes, to desire the worst for him and complete failure in his life.

Characters

 * Penstubal - A Snowinn young man searching for a better life in Moon Island, Shops Island. A very impulsive and unstable person with lots of contradictions and always with a long story to tell. He runs into conflict with the whole world every single day, and he seems to have a problem with generally every single person. He is always energetic and always seems to be willing to confront somebody for the sake of defending his honor.
 * Bobbie Wood - Penstubal's childhood companion. A very crazy fellow, comparable to Rookie, and possibly even crazier than him. He is killed in the Shops Civil War and is remembered as a martyr by Penstubal, who blames Chill57181 and Penquino for his death.
 * Jolly Timmy - Bobbie Wood's friend he met in high school in Wizzint, Moon Island. Seems to be and behaves exactly like Bobbie Wood. His real name is Timothy Gibson, and he's one of the founding fathers of the Republic of Moon Island.
 * Snowstormer - Friend of Miron's and generally weird dude. A cultured person who means well but steps overboard sometimes in defense of his friend Miron, who usually doesn't return the favor back.
 * Super Miron - Friend of Snowstormer's and an even weirder dude than the former. Known for his overuse of words such as "kaka", "poop", "dorp", "clam", "rake" among others.
 * Penquino - Chill's friend who goes out of his way to help people, although he is easily angered by their behavior, typically when he considers them to be ungrateful.
 * Chill57181 - Penquino's goofy friend who has a tendency to mock people, although he always shows his nice side later and is known to help out people in need.
 * Mr. Morty - Son of Papa Morty, the founder of Morty's bar and grill in Wizzint. He is a chef and he is known for his very friendly behavior towards his customers, often stopping to chat with them.
 * Mironica - A friendly, attractive person with lots of good qualities, although seriously lacking in education and basic knowledge about things surrounding her. Penstubal immediately has a problem with her upon learning she lacks reading habits and knowledge his country, the United Provinces, even exists.
 * Dr Jenna Stewart - A domineering, manipulative woman and incredibly strict professor whom everybody seems to fear. She is extremely judgemental, and she believes in strict formality and obedience.
 * The Gang of Three - Penstubal's three aggressive, anger-filed and unintelligent roommates. They represent everything Penstubal hates in the penguin race, and he absolutely despises them and wants them gone out of his room.
 * Pink Sheep - A pink shprogshel, an imaginary creature that really does not exist but Penstubal thinks is real and considers a divine being. He made up the word "sheep" and calls him that instead of shprogshel because it's easier to pronounce and remember in his view.
 * Quackerpingu - A penguin obsessed with ducks. Close friend of Penstubal's and a big hater of Chill and Penquino, as well as one of the biggest promoters of the anti-Chill agenda. He believes that Chill and his friends are out to conquer the whole world using a secret organization called "Da Illuminati", which he writes about in the Penstubal Post, although the idea has been severely rebuked.
 * Brant Esser - The authoritarian president of Acadia and close friend of Penstubal who becomes one of the main writers for the infamous Penstubal Post.
 * Dps04 - The first president of the independent Republic of Moon Island. A moderate politician guides by liberal and democratic principles, considered one of the founding fathers of the Republic of Moon Island. He is deeply admired by Penstubal, who views him as an inspiration.
 * Slender - The emperor of Magonia, the country which he rules over with an iron fist. Becomes a close friend of Penstubal's despite an ideological conflict.
 * The Ed - Member of Da Illuminati and Chill57181's espionage expert. He is later promoted to Colonel by Chill57181.

Chapter One
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

- Seneca

7z9wd9bS1FM

Carpe diem. Seize the day.

They say life is short. You are told to take risks, no matter what they might be, to never regret what you have done and straighten up and move forward with your life. Life is too short to worry about petty things, and if you worry too much and you stay inside your comfort zone, your life just passes away – you will have done nothing and you will be stuck in a limbo of regretfulness and despair for a once glorious, youthful past you.

I am not one of those people, of course. And I disagree with all that nonsense the people say. Firstly, I’m an old bag and yet I feel as youthful as ever, believe it or not! And secondly, my life’s honestly been far too long. It’s not short at all. Life is long and is filled with events, too many events – it’s just when we remind ourselves of those events later on that it all seems so short. But it’s not. Life is too long. The longer I live, the more bored I feel and the more miserable I feel about myself. And it’s not even me, it’s mainly the stupid media constantly pointing out how you’re some old bag who’s dying and basically does not matter anymore. They’re constantly reminding you of your age and promoting youthfulness as something to strive towards, and it’s getting seriously annoying. Like, I don’t want to live to my 100. It’s awful, don't get me wrong. But really, I hate the cult of youthfulness. Seriously depresses a man like me.

And I still do get depressed when I think of the events of my past. I was a turbulent young boy when I moved here some 55 years ago. Yes, I’m really old. Stop judging me. Seriously.

Anyway, I recall virtually everything from my childhood. It’s insane. I can remember virtually everything that happened in my life during the last 73 years, yet I have a hard time remembering where I left my phone a minute ago or the name of a person I just met on the street. And that isn’t even senility – I’ve always been like that. When I was young, I was very forgetful and I couldn’t remember where I left stuff or whom I just talked to, but I could recall every single detail of any single experience that ever happened to me.

Anyway, I’ve been told people were very interested in my life. There’s nothing good to find in it and learn from it. It’s just a painful collage of hypocrisy, of betrayal, prejudice, jealousy and bitterness. I don’t know about interesting – to me personally, it was not very interesting, but I don’t know what you might think. After all, we live in a backwards society obsessed with stupid, completely uninteresting and useless things, so you might well like my life and wish you were me. But in reality, I was an arrogant jerk my whole life. Tell me how I am only saying it because I’m old and am criticizing my younger self as literally every person ever born has done, but you would understand if you lived my life.

The part of the story that matters began at age 18. Before that, it’s all very stupid. Boring. Childish and immature. Lame. There’s literally nothing for you to find out about me before the age of 18. I was some regular bloke from Snowiny, a country with a long tradition of shooting itself and going to war every 20 years. Our president says, ’’We have the highest economic growth rates in Antarctica! We’re proud democratic Westerners!’’ and all that, but the reality is that we’re a bunch of middle class snobs. Seriously. We’re living better than ever before, but please don’t think that will stop us from going to war and blowing this rotten place up for the seventh time in just a few decades.

Anyway, leaving that country was the best thing that happened in my life. Seriously, I don’t like the United Provinces. I’m not particularly proud to be a Snowinn. I don’t like countries that blow themselves and others up and then go on how they’ve made progress and how they live good. I moved to Shops Island thinking how they’re different, but no, they did just the same less than a decade after I moved. How fun. Thank Benny I haven’t moved to Vonkouver. I almost moved there for further education in their university, but luckily they rejected me and I got to go to crappy Wizzint University instead. Say whatever you want about Wizzint University, but at least we are not a potential target for the Squarium bombardment.

So I successfully enrolled into Wizzint University. As I said, it’s the crappiest university on Moon Island, but it’s something, I guess. It’s very crappy, but I have to admit I had some of the best days of my life there. Then again, it’s my life we’re talking about – my life is so depressive and boring that literally anything constitutes excitement and fun.

I can tell you about the excitement of my parents that day that the letter came from Wizzint University. My parents invited virtually the whole neighborhood to the celebration. They literally danced to disco and drank cream soda, which they literally never have done before. Seriously, over some pathetic university that’s the most average university you could possibly find on the whole continent. It’s been their idea for me to go to Wizzint University just because of some article they read in the local newspaper how Moon Island has a growing economy and how students are all over the place. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m seriously wondering what newspaper they have been reading that day, because I’m serious – it literally cannot get further from the truth than that.

You are probably wondering why I am so irrational and sensitive, but it’s thanks to these two jolly folk. My parents Thaddeus and Mary are extremely dramatic. Their whole life is like a melodrama, really. I got that from them, I guess. It seems I got everything bad about them from them. I didn’t get any of the good stuff, like they are slightly more patient than I am, for example, and can stay easily focused on things that matter to them. I am extremely impatient and easily distracted. So yes, I got the very worst stuff from my parents and got nothing good from them.

Anyway, they cried very, very hard when I had to get aboard the ship to Moon Island. Like, they cried really hard, and I still cannot tell whether those were tears of joy or tears of sadness. It seemed like both at the same time. My mother hugged me some thirteen times and my father kept pointing out how I am now his ’big boy’ and how he’s all excited I am going to university and what have you. Anyway, after nearly an hour, I finally got on the ship. I felt free, honestly. I felt refreshed and finally free from all social conventions and finally felt like I could be myself.

The ship that took me and a hundred other people to Wizzint was a medium size white ship. It was not too luxurious or anything. Just an ordinary ship. We had rooms there, albeit rather small, with two nice bunker beds donned with red blankets. The trip was to last a little less than a full day, which gave me plenty of time to read, browse the news, watch the television and stuff like that. My three roommates then entered the room. It seems they knew each other, either from the past or they have just met on the ship. They were teenagers, just like I, and they talked about all the stupid stuff all dumb, backwards stuff teenagers talk about – they were mocking others, they were talking in strange ways about girls, talking about partying and drinking a litre of cream soda at parties – I hate those people with all my heart! They never read books, they never watched any documentaries and they seemed to lack basic penguin courtesy as they slammed the door on me as I was walking behind them so we could exit the room!

Cretins! Sociopathic morons! Narcissists! Stupid boys!

I will never forget that day. I could only describe to you the blistering fury I had felt when that person slammed the door as I was exiting the room. What kind of person does that? You are leaving a room, and you know somebody else is walking behind you to leave too, and you slam the door before they could exit instead of leaving it open for them. No, those people annoy me. I have no word for them.

Ugh, even thinking about it 55 years on hurts my stomach. Like, it hurts real bad.

Now, I’m trying to move on, but I want to ask you first. Can you actually, for real, imagine how angry I was at that moment? Would you like somebody doing that to you? I don’t think so. I can’t convey it with words. If we were talking in person right now, perhaps I could convey to you my anger using facial expressions and flipper gestures and so on and so forth. But I have the vocabulary of a 10 year old and I cannot properly describe my anger to you using words.

No, I’m done with that. Hopefully. I don’t know.

The point is, I was angry and wanted to face them. I wanted to approach them and ask them what is their problem. But we were passing the coast of Club Penguin, and that caught my attention. Sorry. No vengeance or fighting for justice in this scene.

It was a beautiful sunny day. It was the middle of summer, and Club Penguin was astoundingly beautiful during the summer. As we were passing the coast of Club Penguin, I could see a crowd of penguins frolicking around the lighthouse and building sand castles on the beach. What caught my eye was a beautiful couple, about my age, surfing and enjoying their lives in the beaches southwest of Club Penguin. That’s when I got really, really nostalgic of my trip to Club Penguin with my parents when I was aged 13. Man, those were fun times!

Heh. I wish I could go back to these days. I was a little child. At least, in my view. I happened to mature so slow compared to all other people in my surroundings. When I was 13, penguins were already getting all liberal with their cream soda, despite the law forbidding minors from drinking it. Meanwhile, at age 13, I had just learned to tie my own shoes. True story. I’m an embarrassment!

It was around seven o’clock when our dinner had arrived. We had a delicious, fried lobster ornate with dried seaweed along with a dash of pepper sauce spread all across it, together with some very high quality cream soda made strictly according to Club Penguin local recipes. Everybody knows the best cream soda is found in the beautiful little island of Club Penguin – everyone goes there for the cream soda, and Rockhopper, a cream soda aficionado and the discoverer of Rhopper Berries, is known to visit it nearly every year, bringing in a lot of profit for the cream soda producing industries.

Man, I can tell you I was bloated after that dinner. I had never felt this way before in my life. The lobster was so spicy! It was insanely hot, and the cream soda didn’t really help to reduce the spicyness of this delicate meal. It was really good, I’m telling you. I’m dying to have it again. Too bad it’s only one night on the ship. Seriously, I would die to have this lobster again even if it means having to spend dinner in the same room as some three illiterate hooligans.

Alas, it had to end. I slowly retired to my bed, all while ignoring the three dumbbells as they are wrestling and playing games on their phone. They were really annoying. I had to sleep with my pillow over my head the whole night. They literally never went to sleep. Dumb elves. I’m surprised they left me alone during the night and didn’t spray my face with whipped cream considering how stupid they are.

I woke up around 8 AM next morning to find we have nearly arrived at our destination in the Wizzint port. You could smell the fish in the air and could see dozens of crates of cargo on various different ships stationed in the port. I love the smell of harbors. It’s the best smell that exists, perhaps alongside the smell of just trimmed grass. Niiice.

We got off the ship around 10 AM. There were hundreds of penguins at the harbor, seemingly lost and helplessly confused as they try to navigate around this part of the crowded city of Wizzint. Clearly most of them haven’t been in an actual city before. One could only wonder what was going through their heads as they were aimlessly running around in circles with no particular destination or idea where to go. It was like seeing children at the playground. Kind of cute.

I was happy to have gotten off the ship at long last after a long and excruciating journey. The first thing I remember planning to do was get to my dormitory and immediately search for the recipe to that delicious lobster meal I ate in the ship last night. Seriously, that lobster was THAT good. I am a person who obsesses over every little thing, and this meal I’ve had last night is obviously no exception. I could go on and on for hours how great that meal was, that’s simply who I am – I’m a person who easily bores people! I’m only sorry I haven’t taken a picture of that meal, but the next time I eat a meal like that I will be sure to take a picture just for you. You will really enjoy it, trust me. You will thank me for giving you that picture, and you might never be able to live without that picture again. Maybe it’s just me exaggerating, but as I’ve explained many times now, that’s just who I am.

Anyway, enough with the lobster!

Unlike this helplessly confused crowd of people, I knew exactly where to go and which directions to take. I went straight down the street and as a taxi driver approached by I quickly waved my flipper in the hope he stops to pick me up, which he did of course, that being his job. It seems like a particularly boring job to me. You are driving around strangers all day, to random locations, and you have no idea what they are doing with their lives, if they are doing well, bad or what is going on in general.

Actually, now that I think of it, I wish I were a taxi driver. It’s probably the only job that doesn’t require collaboration from others. You are just told a place, you drive to the place and that’s basically your job. Not a good pay though, but that’s probably what you’d expect for the easiest job in the world.

So I was bored and the thoughts of the feeling of being a taxi driver and having the world’s easiest job consumed my mind.

"The campus please" I simply told the taxi driver. He nodded affirmitively, and set his GPS to lead to the campus of Wizzint University.

I decided to break the brief period of silence that followed that interaction.

"How does it feel like having such an easy job?" I bluntly asked the taxi driver.

"Easy? ... You call my job easy? Kid..." replied the seemingly offended driver.

"Why? Is it not?"

"No. Not at all"

"How do I believe you? All you do is drive people around. There’s no philosophy or anything like that." I told him.

The way I expressed myself clearly made the driver feel insulted.

"Listen kid, I don’t want to talk crap about this. Shut up back there and enjoy the ride."

"Don’t shush me" said I, "All I’m doing is asking you about your job. You can’t tell me this is a hard job."

"Do you want to go to the university or not?"

"Yes, why wouldn’t I?" the taxi driver kept calm as I said that, but I repeated my question. "Why wouldn’t I?"

"Will you shut up already?!" replied the clearly sensitive taxi driver. "Sweet son of Kermit, gosh, will you shut up?!"

At this point I started to pity the taxi driver. His job must be real hard if he borderline wants to punch somebody because he was asked about his job.

"Whatever" calmly said I, "you have the easiest job in the world yet you are throwing a tantrum at your customers. But whatever"

That seemed to have crossed the line as the taxi driver immediately turned his head around towards me and his entire head blushed red in fury. ’’That does it’’ he remarked before instantly stopping the car and causing me to fly into the front window and hurt my head real bad. "Get the heck out of here" he shouted at me, "Take your Kermit-forsaken moron stuff out of here, you ungrateful piece of crap"

He punched me in the arm real hard, pushing me out of the car. He threw out my stuff and dumped me on the middle of the street halfway to the university campus. He closed the door behind me and drift off at full speed before anybody could see what happened.

That guy’s a huge jerk. I did not expect him to behave like that. Seriously, he only further convinced me being a taxi driver is the easiest job in the world with that behavior. Whatever. Seriously, I don’t care. I will just take the bus instead. Wizzint has a good bus system, I hear. This jerk already gave me an impression of what the culture and people in Moon Island are like. Nobody would do this to you back in Winsburg. Everybody there just shuts up and takes in whatever comes their way, no matter what it is. Unfortunately for jerks, I’m not that kind of person. Seriously, I’m not that kind of person! I’m not going to keep quiet as I’m being insulted and bullied by a bunch of illiterate morons!

So I like, swore to myself I would get my revenge against this taxi driver. Seriously. I will get my revenge. Not now, though. I’m like all bruised up thanks to this piece of crap, so I, I have to move on. Ugh, my life.

The whole bus trip to the campus I’ve been endlessly thinking about this jerk and what he has done to me. He has deeply hurt me, you know. I have feelings too. You, the reader, might or might not realize it, but I’m a real being with real emotions. I don’t need to be pushed around by some illiterate monkeys. I’m above them. Seriously.

I was visibly sobbing the whole bus trip, and I’m pretty sure the whole bus was talking about me behind my back like after I’d been dropped off at my stop. I don’t care, however. I don’t care what they have to say about me. As I said, I’m like, above them and their shenanigans. But what they say does not, does not concern me in like any way. Either way, I can strike back anytime I want, and, and there’s nothing they could do about it. Like, seriously! Trust me, I can handle anything that comes my way. My mamma always used to take care of me. She always had that need... I mean, I can do things on my own. Like,a bunch of people talking about me behind my back doesn’t matter. They’re stupid idiots anyway. All of them.

Gosh, I’m still like shaking from this whole crap.

No, the trouble’s over. Finally. I’m at the university campus. Fun.

The Wizzint University was founded a hundred years ago by some Zhouese dudes, just like everything in this city. Zhou had very visible influence on this city, as seen in the city’s architecture, especially the university’s architecture. It looked very oriental, which also reflects the architecture of Moon Island itself as it is in the Asiapelago. The university is shaped like a pagoda, but it’s much, much larger than the average one and on the inside isn’t actually like a pagoda. So basically, on the outside it looks like a pagoda, on the inside it really does not. The interior has a real oriental feel to it too, however, and that’s exactly what I like about countries like these. I already like Moon Island despite my earlier encounter with that jerkface. Seriously, I hate that guy. Why does he have to tarnish the name of such a beautiful land as Moon Island? I love it here already.

I moved towards the dormitory area of the university. There were several six-storey buildings in the neighborhood the dormitories are in. It’s a beautiful neighborhood with a beautiful park with a crystal clear lake in the center where students can gather and relax together. It is surrounded by beautiful cherry trees with their majestic pink color. The park smells real good and is kept clean all the time. Nobody would dare litter such an amazing, peaceful place with such an enormous amount of flora and fauna.

The beauty of this area distracted me from my ultimate goal of settling in in my dormitory. I walked down the street until I found the address of my dormitory. I went inside and found I am the only one who has arrived yet out of all my roommates. How convenient.

I reserved a nice bed next to the window and decided to place down all my stuff while my roommates were still not present. I placed some of my stuff on the mahogany drawer right next to my bed, with a nice, kind of cute yellow lamp with a rose pattern. The dormitory was not that bad. The walls were brown and the floor was beige – everything was made of wood – and the ceiling was white. The buildings themselves are made of bricks, but it’s kind of strange the interior is made nearly completely out of wood. Don’t ask me about it.

Seriously, don’t.

I was going to exit my dormitory but I have once again reminded myself of my encounter with that stupid taxi driver. God, I’m still shaking. I really, really hate that guy.

I tried to calm myself down, and I successfully have done that. Yay! Now I could finally exit the dormitory and head into the city and see what to do. As soon as I closed the door and walked out of the dormitory, I realized that an old friend of mine goes to the same university. He’s slightly older than me, like a few months older, and I last met him a few years ago, when he Snowiny for Wizzint because his father found a job as an IT specialist there. He cried how he was never going to see me again, but look what life did to us. We’re in the same city again. Yippie.

We talked a few months after he left and he told me all about Wizzint and all the places he loves there. He told me he visits the Brown and Pink café virtually every day. So I decided to set off for that café and, what do you know, I found him there! You totally did not expect that, did you?

So there he was, at the café. Wow. I did recognize him, but wow, he has changed. A lot. He used to be this silly little kid just like me. He was always so dumb. Like, imagine Rookie, but dumber. You probably think that is not possible, but it is. He’s really, really dumb. Dumb as a rock. But that’s why I love him. I love him for who he is. So I decided to come by and say hi.

I completely surprised him with my experience.

"Pen? PEN? SWEET JUICE OF KERMIT, IS THAT YOU?" shrieked the elated child.

"Yes, Bobbie, it’s me!"

"Oh my, Pen! Gosh, you’re ... you’re here, Oh my!" He is known for his frequency of using the expression "oh my".

"Yes I am!"

His friend was visibly confused. He seemed like he was afraid I would steal his friend or something. Of course, I would never do that. I’m not a jerk. But that taxi driver is. Oh yes, how could I possibly forget to talk to him about it?

"A taxi driver pushed me out of his cab a while ago. Can you believe it?"

"Oh my, what? No, how?!"

"He just randomly stopped the vehicle, all of a sudden, completely out of a sudden as he was driving like totally crazy, and next thing I know my head was bleeding and I was punched out of the car. Can you believe it?"

"Oh no, no! I can not, my!" he was shocked. "I can not believe that would happen to you!"

"All I did was ask him about his job! Seriously!"

"Wow. Incredible"

His friend was still confused.

"Hey Pen, meet my friend, this is Jolly Timmy" said my childhood friend, "I met him at school a few years ago! He’s like, my best friend now, just like you!"

"Hi Tim, nice to meet you, I’m Penstubal!"

"Pleasure to meet you, Penstubal! Have you known Bobbie Wood here for a long time?"

"Oh yes, we were the best of buddies in primary AND high school. He was such a fun guy. Wow, the memories!" I was so thrilled to meet Bobbie, I admit it! "So, what gives man? How’s life, how’s everything?" I said to Bobbie.

"I’m doing great, actually! I’m a programmer now!"

"Seriously? Wow! Congratulations! You always wanted to be a programmer!" I was genuinely happy for him.

"Yes!" he replied, "And you? How are things going with you?"

"To be frank with you, I’m not quite sure, but I’m working on resolving this issue" I jokingly told Bobbie, although he didn’t laugh.

"Are you here for Wizzint University?"

"Yes!"

"Oh yay! We can be best buddies again!" he jumped enthusiasically, ’’Oh my, I almost forgot. There’s going to be some event, a party if you will, organized by the university and stuff this weekend. You should come!’’

"Really? But I’m not a student yet" I said.

"It’s a party organized by the university in collaboration with other universities across the whole country" said Bobbie, "A lot of important people from across the country will be attending. You should come, you might meet the dean and he could introduce you to the school!"

"That sounds like an idea" I replied. "Alright then, I’m coming!"

"Yay!" exclaimed an enthusiastic Bobbie.

We ended that dialogue soon after. I decided to sit down with the two and drink tea with them. I was not in the mood for coffee. Besides, if you’re in Moon Island, you have to try the tea. Their tea is the only thing worth living for. That and the lobster I ate on the ship. I really need that recipe.

It’s Saturday and before you know it, it’s time for the party. I have learned that the party would be concerning the further development of the Club Penguin Weekee and that people from all over the continent will be attending. I’m attending a party organized by and at a university I am not even a student of yet. Hooray!

I cannot stress to you how important it was for me that I look as great as possible. I have decided to don the best outfit I possibly have, and I have a lot of outfits. I am obsessed with business suits. Like, obsessed. Seriously. I have a ton of suits in my closet – some black, some blue, some brown, and also with matching ties. I have a tie with the colors of the United Provinces flag (blergh) and I have during the course of the week bought one with the colors of the flag of Moon Island. This could match well with a dark red suit. Anyway, I have donned my best outfit, best necktie, and have prepared for the night that could change my life. The party is taking place inside the gym of the Wizzint University, which is a separate building of its own. It’s a brick cube. A stupid brick cube. Nothing much to describe there other than the fact it does not fit into its surroundings and the pagoda that is the university at all. Seriously, I hate those buildings that are completely deviant from all surroundings. They don’t match the architecture of the area at all, and it really angers me.

Welp, now it’s time. I went out and headed to the university and got ready to meet all the “bright” faces of the university. Before I got there, I met with Bobbie and Timmy, and we decided to meet the “bright” faces of this university together.

To get to the gym, you have to go straight through the University. I couldn’t be bothered to see what the University looked like so this was basically going to be my first experience inside it. It’s a really crappy university, and I had very, very low expectations, and even with those very low expectations the University turned out to be worse than I could have ever imagined. The walls inside were sprayed with graffiti – there’s a hallway inside the building that literally was nicknamed the Art Gallery by the students. I have to admit, the students are pretty artsy. I was told by Jolly Timmy that the authorities tried to remove all the graffiti in the Art Gallery, but that massive student protests and blockade of the hallway forced them to give up. That really convinced me how powerful the ‘little people’, the ‘commoners’, really are.

The actual reality was that they didn’t have the funds to carry out the clean-up and pay for the lost property.

Yes, they’re really poor. And no, the students’ opinion did not matter at all whatsoever.

On the outside, one might seriously think it’s an ordinary, great university. But in reality, it’s the crappiest of the crappiest. Bolsheevic Penguinsky himself with his own two flippers could make a better university. Going to a university in East Pengolia is heaven on Earth compared to going to Wizzint University. Seriously, it’s that horrible. Like, okay, I don’t expect every university on the island to be all high-quality, but like, come on. Shops Island is one of the richest nations on Earth, yet their schools are worse than the ones in East Pengolia. I hope you can relate, reader. Anyway, there’s a secluded hallway that goes through a flowery garden and it leads directly to the gym, and before the gym, the dressing room. Also, no, they don’t have separate dressing rooms for men and women. They couldn’t afford it. I know right.

I believe there were around a hundred penguins at the gym, probably a bit less. Based on how Bobbie described it, I expected some huge international fair that hundreds and maybe a thousand would attend (not considering how they would even fit inside that gym), but no, it’s basically, let’s round it up, a mere hundred. There were a lot of important people there though. Lots of regional politicians and scientists and experts from all across the world.

They had a large buffet at the dinner that night. Seriously, you had an unlimited choice of food.

I wasn’t particularly hungry until I saw some white penguin with an orange shirt and a party hat sitting at a table with a giant lobster with seaweed and spice on his plate. “Yes, yes, yes! My dream had come true! I could finally ... finally taste that delicious lobster once again!” That was the first thought that came into my head, but then upon looking at the buffet table, I realized that they were out of this culinary dish. I didn’t believe that. I am skeptic about everything. I have to investigate further on. I decided to approach this person.

‘’Excuse me sir, pardon me for asking you but, where did you get your lobster?’’ I asked.

The penguin with a black mask on his face for Benny knows what reason giggled. ‘’The buffet, of course’’ he said as he was giggling with his friend on the other side of the table, a friend wearing some blue viking head and glasses that make him look funny. Okay, I know it’s hypocritical for a man with a dumb propeller cap on his head to say that. But it had to be said.

“They’re out of it, I think” said I.

“Well, umm...” said the white penguin, “I am definitely not going to able to finish this, so ... if you want, you can join us?”

I cannot possibly describe to you the feeling I’ve had when he asked me that. I swear. My heart almost stopped! Somebody invited me to join them in an activity. Okay, that seems like a typical Penstubal thing to say, right, but you don’t know me, reader. I never get invited to anything. Nobody really likes me, and I still can’t find out why. I never did anything wrong.

So I joined them in the activity they were doing.

I felt ok.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

He was shocked. “Seriously?” he giggled. “You don’t know me?” he laughed.

“No, what, I’m supposed to?”

That almost made his buddy fall off his chair. He considered that a burn for some reason.

“I’m Snowstormer” said the white penguin. “I am the governor of Freezestonia.”

At that moment I was in a state of shock. “Uhh, nice to meet You... Sir!”

Snowstormer burst out laughting at the sheer amount of pathetic he saw unfolding in front of his eyes. “I like you” he said. “My friend here is Miron, also known as Super Miron, but they leave that Super out for a reason KD KD KD” I started laughing along with him, while Miron had only a minor giggle. It was not that funny, I know, but I like mocking people.

“No, we really like Miron” said Snowstormer, “he’s a cool dorp. Rite Miron?”

“Shore you clam” said SuperMiron. He didn’t say pronounce “sure” with a ‘u’, he pronounced it with an ‘o’, so I just wrote “shore” to reflect the pronounciation. “Sore” wouldn’t be a bad way to describe Miron after his reaction to the joke, though.

I really liked Snowstormer and Miron. Like, I found a place with them. Like, I am now part of some trio. It’s interesting. I like the two dorps. They’re silly, and Snowstormer is not your typical, boring, corrupt politician. He really connects with people and he’s not reserved unlike the politicians who have billions of dollars in their pockets and whose primary concern is whether they would be able to buy a new luxurious mansion on the beach coupled with a unique golf course with a great view on the pristine ocean. Snowstormer’s actually, I found it out later, not that rich. I guess that explains it. He’s in it for the people. I love that. Few clams today run to lead countries and actually end up fighting for the oppressed ordinary penguin. Snowstormer’s a fighter. I like that. I really do.

Anyway, Snowstormer and Miron are both programmers. They know all the coding languages. I don’t know any coding language. I don’t even know what coding languages there are. Penglua? Or perhaps Snowa? I really don’t know. I’m just guessing. After all, the names of all the clam might not be far from the truth. A wise man once wrote on a wiki I edited in my childhood: “Parodying 101: Find something to parody. Change the first word to “peng”, “snow”, “ice”, or something like that. If it’s an acronym, simply change the first letter to “P”. Enjoy my ridiculing due to your lack of creativity.” It’s amazing how one can argue that’s the actual truth in real life. Like, really. There’s so much “peng” and “snow” and “ice” in literally all the dorpy names. My own freaking home country is one of these.

The party was wilder than I expected. Like, it was crazy. Like, let’s face it. This is a gathering of a bunch of nerds. Like, real nerds. Not fake nerds. Real nerds. These dorps are so boring you would want to shoot yourself with a coconut gun. They have done quite a good job at organizing this party, actually. It was really not crappy at all. I guess this is the reason why the University is so stupidly poor – they spent lavishly on parties in the middle of the night that nobody attends or cares about at all. Yet, I once again reiterate, it’s a really nice party. It’s exactly the fact there’s not a very high turnout that makes it so good. They expected hundreds to come, yet only around one hundred came. It’s not too small of a number, but not too big either. So, fantastic job on part of the university. I like it here already. I’m not saying I’m a party type. Let me tell you the truth, I’m not a party type at all. I hate parties. I really do. Minor gatherings are fine, but parties is just pushing it over. I only come to parties if I have to, and in this case I had to if I want to meet any new friends. You can not go through university without friends. Seriously. University’s probably the last chapter of your education, and you need some good friends to spice up your days. I started off with just Bobbie Wood when I came here to Wizzint, and I accidentally wound up getting three more friends. It all happened so fast! One would assume I am some kind of extrovert who finds it easy to get friends, but actually I’m very introverted. Like, until around 16 years of age, I was afraid to speak in front of a large crowd. But then I realized how awesome I am, so I got over that fear. I love speaking to people now because I feel important, and naturally I know I’m important. I simply am. I mean, I’m not exactly some Doctor of Philosophy or anything, but I know stuff. I consider all moments in my life, even the horrible and sad ones, to be great victories. That’s simply who I am. It’s not that I’m an optimist either – as you found out by now, I’m a melancholic. I’m depressed all the time and I find it hard to wipe the sadness off my face, but seriously, I do not regret stuff. I hate how I behaved in my childhood and stuff, but I do not really regret it. I really don’t. Regretting is really stupid. What’s the point of regretting if you cannot change things anymore? Honestly, it’s fine to think about all past events and stuff and to wish to correct them by not repeating them again in the future, but to cry all day and ask yourself “why haven’t I done this, why haven’t I done that” is just really stupid to me. Something a dorp would do.

I really started getting along with my two new buddies that I met, Snowstormer and Miron. They seem to like the same stuff I do, they are humorous, funny, really, they’re the perfect person. I am not a person who asks for too much. I just ask for a bit. I’m not a person who demands too much in people. I like people with flaws. People without flaws, they aren’t natural. I don’t really like them. I mean, there is not a person without any flaws, but I imagine if there were such people I would really not like them. They would seem like a boring folk. I just want basic respect and basic human courtesy. I want them to show they are civilized and cultural folk, and that’s basically it. I have to say, now that I think of it actually, Miron doesn’t seem like that kind of dude. He seems like a dorp who’s just drunk a barrel of cream soda he retrieved from a stranded whale. Like, seriously. What’s up with that? No, I don’t like that. But, there’s something inside me driving me to be with people like that. I can’t pinpoint to exactly what it is, where it is, or anything like that. But wow, I really cannot run away from that kind of people. They just drag you further and further into the crazy world of theirs and they never let go. It’s driving me insane. Sometimes it’s better just not to resist. Think about it. You feel the least pain if you don’t resist. If you resist, you will get badly scarred. You will be tired and give up, and next day just repeat circle. I don’t like that.

Snowstormer and I finished our lobster dish. Unfortunately, I forgot to take the picture. Hopefully I will take it later. Sorry about that. I found out the name though. Snowstormer told me it’s actually a local Moon Island dish called the “Golden Lobster”, named after the Moon Island region, Golden Coast. It’s really nice. I picked the wrong region. Wizzintine is a barren land of crap, while the Golden Coast literally is all golden. Maybe I will retire there one day. Just me, my beautiful wife and my little children. That’s the life I wanna live. I want to live out the rest of my days in peace and just enjoy life and enjoy what I have. I want to spend time with the family I hope I am going to raise and to spend time with a loving wife, who I believe would probably become the only person in the world who truly understands me. Nobody understands me. Nobody ever understood me. Mama and papa refused to ever listen to me or anything I have to say and they were always mean whenever my opinion would diverge from theirs. Like, they didn’t hate me. They liked me. They still do. They want the best for me. But, they are just intolerant and easily angered. Benny knows why.

For dessert, Snowstormer, Miron and I had some delicious tiramisu topped with little raspberries and young and fresh little strawberry. Gosh, I love tiramisu. It’s like a coffee cake. It really is. It’s probably the best dessert that exists. I love me some tiramisu. Does anybody not like tiramisu? I don’t think so. Everybody likes tiramisu. If anything, it’s because I said everybody likes tiramisu. I don’t have to care about other people’s opinions if they are wrong, especially if tiramisu being the best dessert is a fact that cannot simply be dismissed. People are so sensitive these days and obsessed with their feelings.

As we were eating our tiramisu, we were joined in by two very nice and cheerful doods. They seemed really reputable and known around here. They are probably students, I don’t know. But wow, they were really popular.

“Oh, hey! What’s up?” mumbled Snowstormer with a handful of cake in his mouth. “Hey, are you still up for watching the big game tonight?”

“Oh yes, totally. Hopefully duck-man over there doesn’t ruin our fun!” laughed along with his buddies the one in orange as he was pointing towards the corner of the gym. In the corner were 2 clearly lonely and distressed penguins. I wonder what they were doing there and what they have warranted to be seemingly ostracized by the whole community in this building.

“Kermit’s juice, tell me about it!” laughed Snowstormer. “You can’t tell who’s worse. Him or his salty friend!”

“Oh no, no, Bront over there might be salty, but at least he doesn’t literally worship ducks!”

All four penguins, everyone around this table but me, laughed hard. Miron, who also laughed along with them, was the next target of their petty jests. The dorp with a colorful party hat proceeded to gently slap Miron’s face, and that actually hurt Miron a bit.

“AAAAA!” shrieked Miron.

The two penguins proceeded to laugh at him. Snowstormer stayed silent. Apparently he is fine with mocking others but not fine with his buddy being mocked.

“So who’s your friend over here?” asked the other one.

Suddenly I looked closer at the other one and wow! I couldn’t help but admire him. He’s a young man, probably around my age. I don’t really know. But wow, he’s really good looking. Now usually I don’t say this about guys, but wow. That hair. I really like messy hairs. Did I ever tell you about that? Like, I’m not attracted to him or anything, seriously. But wow. I’m really obsessed with messy hairs. Messy hairs, curly hairs. I tried to curl my hair when I was younger and I ended up going bald. I have no hair even today. Under my shiny blue propeller cap is simply the tip of my head with nothing special on it. I’m really sad because of that. But yes, I love messy hair. Probably because my life in general is really messy. Hey, it might be because of that! It really might! I like messy stuff because I am messy, and as a result my life is messy as well. Wow! You see, I really haven’t thought about that before.

Okay, reader, you might not have done literally anything at all, but you just changed my entire life with such a simple realization.

I’m dumb, I know.

The point is, I was distracted by his really nice hair. I literally wanted to ask him what’s his barber. I wanted to go there immediately, straight away. I really wanted that hair. It would be a suitable replacement for the stupid propeller cap I’ve been wearing since I was born. I think I was born with this propeller cap. I don’t remember buying it. Maybe my parents did. I’m not quite sure. Getting the propeller cap was the best moment of my life. I don’t really remember that moment, which is insane because I literally remember everything. I never forget any moment that I register as key to my life. Never. Ever.

“This is my friend, Penstubal! He’s new here and he’s really cool.” said Snowstormer to the curly dude.

“Pleasure to meet you Penstubal, my name is Penquino! Reaaally similar names, huh?” giggled the curly dude.

At that moment, I literally froze. I just stared blank at him, as if I was staring deep into outer space. Which, deep inside my mind, I really was. I really was staring deep into outer space. I imagined myself floating in space at a really slow speed, with nothing else in sight. At all. Like, there’s literally nothing. I’m just floating in space. Boring, until I come to the realization I literally have no oxygen. I desparately try to ‘swim’ so to say, but I fail. At some point, I turn purple and burst open.

“GOOD HAIR!” very loudly shrieked I.

At that moment, the whole gym froze in silence. Since the hall was really huge, everybody in the room could hear my echo multiple times. Penquino froze in silence at that moment and literally did not move one bit. I really scared him with these two words. Seriously, okay, I know I said it really loudly, but I said it. I complimented the dude’s hair. What was I supposed to do? Seriously. No, shutting up isn’t an option. But I complimented the dude’s hair. It’s okay to compliment a dude like that. Nothing wrong.

Okay, fine, lesson learned. Kids, don’t ever give another guy a compliment on his look. That’s considered bad for some reason. Don’t ask me why either, cause if I knew I would be the most wanted man alive. Seriously, if I knew why, I would have basically started a revolution in modern thinking. But no, I don’t know why. Seriously, never compliment a male’s look.

“Sorry” I uttered. My whole face suddenly turned red.

Penquino clearly had already forgotten what I said and moved on. I only said two words and he already seemed to have pushed the reset button on our relations.

“So, Penstubal, would you like to come along with us to watch the big hockey game tonight? Vonkouver Sea Lions versus the Chill Island Hats! It’s literally the game of the century!” said the curly dude.

“Sure” I replied. I was flattered to have been forgiven for my blunder so quickly. I was also flattered to be invited to a cool event with actual cool people. And before you ask, no, I haven’t forgotten their treatment of Miron and the two dudes over in the corner. I haven’t. But, I guess you have to sacrifice stuff to fit in new surroundings. I really need friends, bad. I don’t care about others. I really don’t. I found cool friends, and I’m going to force myself to like them. Indeed, this Penquino guy is a really cool fellow. The other dude seems to be a really cool fellow too, but thanks to the stupidity of mine in expressing my fascination towards Penquino’s fuzzy hair out loud, we haven’t gotten to know each other. But, he quickly introduced himself to me as Chill57181, Penquino’s loyal sidekick.

You know, I don’t know why he has so many dumb numbers in his name. Like, seriously. A lot of people do that, Explorer 767 for example. He doesn’t have a lot of numbers, but he still has numbers. It’s annoying. And hard to remember. Like, what do you numbers for? What, are you the 767th person bearing the name Explorer? I mean, that’s what you get for bearing simple names like that instead of real names like Penstubal. Penstubal’s a real good name. If you disagree, too bad.

Anyway, the party had finished really late. I couldn’t wait to get home and go to sleep. I was literally dying. Like, I could barely walk home. I had such a fun time with my new friends. Let’s see. I have Bobbie, I have Timmy, I have Snow, Miron, Chill and Erik (the Penquino dude actual first name). As I was leaving, however, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the two dudes in the corner. Like, that thought bothered me on the way home. I tried looking for them as I was walking outside, but I couldn’t see them anyway. They probably went their own respective ways.

That was one heck of a week. My life had one heck of a turn...

Chapter Two
"Lots of time you don’t know what interests you most till you start talking about something that doesn’t interest you most."

- Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye

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Morning! First day of school!

Yippie! I felt just like a little kid going to school for the first time when I got to shout those words. Oh, what a bright day! Maybe I feel this way because I’ve had a wild birthday party last night. Yes, you heard me right.

A. Wild. Birthday. Party.

Wow! That was fun!

Now you think I’ve been lying this whole time. What are you saying? You? Extrovert! Ha! You? Hate parties! Pfft! Yes, but this was different.

I had actual friends this time!

All the fun people were there. There was Bobbie, there was Timmy, who brought in a gigantic cake I was totally not expecting! Then, there was Chill. Gosh, Chill, you’re such a fun dude! Wow! And Penquino... Oh! Best of all! He made me a mini him so I could play with him anytime I want! You bet I will! I will play with him all day!

Snowstormer and Miron both also attended my party. Awesome! We were all acting dorpy all night long. That kind of scared Chill and Penquino actually.

I made so many friends that week, and the party that took place last night was a celebration of that fact. Wheeeeew! The joy! I’m not tired one bit. You know, I take it back – I love parties now! I really do! I cannot possibly express to you how much I want to hold a party again. I really do. I’m obsessed with the party. I want another party! Unfortunately, I am used to not getting what I want in life and am not getting another party. Oh well. It had a lot of cream soda though. Like, whole barrels. It was fun. We drank so much. We drank all night. We drank relentlessly. The whole night was like a drinking competition, who could drink the most cream soda. And it’s been great! Ohh mamma! How I wish RH was ‘ere. O my. Would have been great. Think about it for a second. We would have had sooooo much fun.

Okay. Too much fun. Haha. Okay. I drank a lot of cream soda last night. I had to take a break.

Wow.

Well, now it’s time to get together. Unfortunately.

I have to go to school now. I will meet a bunch of annoying students. Seriously. Ugh. Oh, and by the way, have I ever brought up my roomates in the dorm? Yeah, what do you know, it’s the three I met on the ship on my way to Moon Island.

Seriously. Benny, how have I wronged you?

When they came in, they just threw their smelly, horrible stuff all across the room and left to get fishburgers or something. There’s a real nice grill down the street. It’s really good. It’s called Morty’s. I don’t know who Morty is, but he’s a real good chef. Like, they have really good fishburgers. They have a make-your-own method for choosing what you will have in your fishburger – they don’t ask you to pick from one of the choices on the menu but rather ask you ‘what would you have?’. And it’s great. I like making my own choices regarding each and everything inside the fishburger. I feel like I played part in the making of the fishburger. Yummy. They do allow people to test themselves out in the job, though. They pay people for doing their job of grilling the fishburgers and putting the ingredients and the buns on the fish, and you can make some quick money doing this job. You can stop for the day anytime you’d like and get your money based on how much work you’ve done. Maybe that’s the easiest job in the world. Really. Not the taxi driver stuff, but this grill stuff. This seems like an easy, fun job. All you do is serve some burgers and that’s your job. I would love that job. Perhaps I could bite a fishburger behind my customers’ backs to satisfy my hunger which I assume would be enormous as I am making the fishburgers. Still, really good burgers.

Anyway, since it’s the first day of school, I have to look as good as possible. But seriously, after such a crazy night, I literally didn’t care. I just put on an orange t-shirt with a bright yellow star on it and called it a day. And honestly, I stopped changing clothes altogether after that day. I literally couldn’t care less about what I wear. I mean, I’m a penguin anyway. I don’t see why I even need clothes, but I guess we have been socially conditioned to wear clothes. There’s no reason. It’s not like we’re humans. As if any even exist in Antarctica in the first place.

I could not possibly describe to you the joy I’ve had last night. I am usually never really joyful. I am never elated. I am happy, sure, but not really joyful. That’s an exaggeration. I loved this new feeling. Hopefully it lingers for as long as possible because I’m telling you, I really, really like it.

As I locked the door and began stepping away from the dormitory, I noticed the two penguins from the corner at the party a few days ago. You know, the big one at the gym. Yeah. The two penguins I’ve been meaning to talk to. They are always together it seems. It’s interesting. They were sitting on the bench and seemingly spatting. I could hear them both screaming at times. It was hard to watch. I was really curious about what was happening. I really wanted to approach the two and see what was going on, but I was worried about coming off as a stalker or something. I bet you wouldn’t like it if somebody approached you and randomly confronted you about parties you’ve been to and arguments you are having with friends you’ve never had any interaction with.

Anyway, I decided to leave them alone for now. I was too afraid to approach them, so I decided we will see what happens later. They seem to hang around the university all the time, so I assumed they might be going to it. I don’t know. I decided to wait it out anyway. For now, I was thinking about how I’m gonna meet up with Bobbie. He’s at the fishburger place I was telling you about, and luckily they are not there at the moment. They are Kermit knows where. Hopefully as far away from me and the university as possible. Seriously, if jerks like these are students at this university you can only imagine how the rest of them are.

So I left the place and headed for Morty’s. I spent like just a few minutes walking down the street to the nice place. I was distracted even for this very short period of time with the thought that there are people being bullied whom I might know. I was really afraid for the two people I saw at the party. I wanted to see what I could do and help them as soon as possible, but I couldn’t find out the right way to approach them. Anyway, so there I was. Morty’s. It’s a rustic shack with an outdoor space in front located on the corner between Rockhopper Avenue and Caritas Road, the road my dormitory is in. This rustic shack was founded some 30 years ago by Morty’s father, also known as Morty but he was later known as Papa Morty to distinguish him from his son, whom he originally named Harry. Harry, in order to preserve his father’s legacy after his tragic car incident in 2011, decided to change his name to Morty and to keep his father’s establishment under the same name, Morty’s. A few months later, he also placed a Papa Morty statue in front of the establishment and Papa Morty became a sort of symbol of the whole enterprise – some people, whether jokingly or not, actually started revering him as the “Father of the Fishburger”, even though fishburgers existed for far long before his time. He was granted that title by his fans because his fishburgers became the most famous in the whole region. From what I understand, he was a really cool guy. I wish I met him. Why do all the good guys have such sad endings to their lives? It’s never the bad guys that have such terrible incidents.

Anyway, I met Bobbie there, once again sitting with his friend Timmy. “Oh my, hey Stew!” shouted an ecstatic Bobbie. “Come sit, come sit!” Timmy was happy to see me as well. We became really close friends thanks to the two parties we’ve had in the last couple of days.

I can finally devote some attention to Jolly Timmy now. Poor him, he’s no longer so jolly. I was so distracted by the taxi driver stuff and the party and the second party and all the talk about burgers and the worry about the clams at the first party that I’ve completely forgotten Jolly Timmy.

Well, Jolly Timmy is an interesting person. He’s the perfect best friend for Bobbie. Bobbie and I are nothing alike when it comes to personality, but Jolly Timmy is Jolly Timmy for a reason. They are both wacky and fun and they are meant for each other. I don’t honestly know how I got Bobbie as a friend. We’re really different. Anyway, Jolly Timmy is a carbon copy of Bobbie. In terms of appearance, there’s not much to say – they’re both naked all the time. Bobbie is orange, Timmy is aqua. That’s basically it regarding physical appearance. But as I said, Bobbie and Timmy are carbon copies of each other. They like the exact same stuff, they have the exact same speech patterns, they behave the same way... it’s kind of creepy, now that I think of it. Actually, wait, did Bobbie say Timmy was his friend or his twin brother? I’m not quite sure right now. I’m pretty sure Timmy is his friend. Oh well. Maybe you know better, reader.

“Hey, hey, hey, my boys! What’s up??” says as he approaches us an ecstatic Morty.

“Heeey Mr Morty, what’s up?” replies Jolly Timmy back with a fresh smile on his face. They’re nearly the same age, only a few years difference, but everybody calls him Mr Morty, presumably out of respect for him.

“I’m glad to see you two ‘ere again. And who is this fellow here we see? Looking good, what’s your name?”

“I’m John Penstubal, I’m pleased to meet you.”

“Ah Penstubal, Penstubal uh.... Um... yeah I have no idea what language that name’s from, but I know it’s not ‘ere that’s for sure!”

“The United Provinces. Specifically, Penland. My surname is Pennese.”

“Oh, nice nice! Penland, oh Penland, pretty place! Been there, seen it, so sorry because of the war!”

“Oh, don’t be. We’re used to killing each other” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, actually, we have this, you know, we have a Pennese quarter here. In Wizzint.” Yes, it’s true. A lot of the Pennese fled Snowiny thanks to war and political persecution. I actually thought about the Pennese quarter a little while before I headed for Wizzint, but I eventually forgot about it. I really don’t like my Pennese heritage. I really don’t. The Pennese people are just as barbaric as the Snowinns, it’s just we know how to hide it better. That’s probably what I like about the Snowinns. They really, I mean, really don’t care. Seriously. They don’t give a crap what others think, so that’s why the maniac Frank and his supporters fell no remorse about killing hundreds of thousands of innocent penguins and chicks. But anyway, as I said, I really don’t like the Pennese. I really don’t give a crap about the Pennese quarter, truth to be told. You know, I honestly wanted to say it, but I didn’t want to come off as racist or anything. In the United Provinces, supposedly one of the most libertarian countries on Earth, president crap pot decided it would be wise to propose and sign a law limiting ‘hate speech against Pennese people’, a proposal which seems fine in theory, but in reality allows the police to literally arrest you for a little joke. Seriously. Just a joke about the Pennese. It’s frustrating, and our president claims he believes that law is necessary in order for “our society move towards equality”. Yeah, like we aren’t equal already.

Seriously. I’m fed up with all that stupid crap. “Oh no we must regulate this, this will offend somebody, oh no, you cannot say that, call the police, oh no!” Seriously! It’s so annoying. Gosh, you haveno idea how politically correct the Snowinns are nowadays. They really weren’t throughout history, and as I mentioned earlier, Snowinns generally don’t give a crap about what others think. The thing is, I am wrong. I make mistakes. I meant didn’t. Please correct that in your brain. We never gave a crap about what others think. Racism and hatred was literally everywhere throughout the 20th century and still into the 2000s as the country liberalized. Seriously. In 1995, Frank gathered as many as 50,000 people to chant anti-Pennese slogans and to loot Pennese stores in Winsburg. That was a year before the war. The Snowinns were really racist back then. They still kinda are, but as the country diversified (shocking: around 40% of the population of Winsburg are of non-Snowinn ethnic or national origin) and as the Liberal Party further held on to power (it’s been the largest party with no interruptions for 15 years now) the culture of Snowiny gradually shifted leftwards. This resulted in echo chambers in major cities like Winsburg and Dolphinas and Doriath and places like that, where the liberal, left-wing elite holds all the power and where they push their politically correct agenda. Call me paranoid and call me crazy, but that is true. You aren’t from the UP, I am, so I know the best.

A few years back, the United Provinces co-founded the Western Union with several other nations. At first I thought “oh great, the warmongers are once again trying to further their power, oh great, they are literally Shops 2.0”, but as time progressed and as the Western Union got bigger and some quite powerful and wealthy member states joined in, I realized that there’s great possibility that the Western Union could actually end up serving to COUNTER the power of the United Provinces. Seriously. I mean, the United Provinces formed the Western Union as a military organization, and eventually an economic organization, but it substantially grew later and became more independent of the United Provinces and became a truly powerful global union. That’s why I really, really like the Western Union. That’s probably the only reason I could think of to like my birth country. It helps keep peace in Antarctica, it helps bring terrorists to justice, it enhances cooperation between states. I think they should let the whole continent in and create the Antarctic Union or something, I don’t know what they would call it. Create the Antarctic Union and bring permanent and irreversible peace forever and ever in Antarctica. Call me a dreamer, but I’m confident I’m not the only one.

“Right. I heard about it” I replied to Morty’s question, “I know about the Pennese quarter. I’m not particularly interested in it”

“Oh, okay then” said Morty, “It’s a really interesting place though. And they speak Pennese everywhere. No English at all. Akestaśe joPentazta!”

I was not particularly amused by what he said in Pennese. He tried to say “Just in Pennese!”, but he failed, really. Firstly, he missed the accent. He pronounced “ack-es-TASH-eh” instead of “ack-ES-tash-eh”, on the second syllable as it should be, and he pronounced “jo” not as “yo” but as “joe”. It’s also not supposed to be akestaśe, it’s supposed to be akestaśi, and he also missed the grammatical case – “in Pennese” should be “on Pennese” in our language, because that’s simply how the language works. So it’s hoPentazta, not joPentazta.

I appreciate the gesture, though. At least he tried to speak it. I was not particularly amused, but I appreciate the gesture. Few people try to speak the language of the foreign person they are talking to.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelson_Mandela “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart”].

“So, how is your life, Mr Morty? Are you satisfied with your job and what entails? I really admire your work,” said I.

“Oh, thank you! People don’t say that too me often” he replied, “nor do they ask me your question often. Well, I do like my job. I especially like when I meet grateful, nice people doing my job. That’s probably the best part. You get to meet people every day. You have smart conversations and you hang out, basically.”

“That sounds great. Do you run into dumb people often?”

“I do, but I don’t really mind that. I’m not too concerned with that, but I like the whole idea of cheering people’s days up just by doing your job. It fills me up with joy.”

You can tell he was really happy that I asked him the question, and you can see he was really, really devoted to his job. That man’s face was blushing red of joy as we were having the conversation. It seems he really feels like he is part of something. He feels like he is part of society, like a part of life – by affecting people’s lives in this really simple way – making and serving them food. It’s amazing how such little things can actually have such a big, lasting and good effect on people’s lives. He really feels he matters. I’ve never been able to fulfill myself with little things. I don’t know. Different people have different things that satisfy them I guess. I probably wouldn’t be satisfied if I had Mr Morty’s job – I do admire it but I’m simply not that kind of person. I’m not too relaxed and I’m too tense. I would never be able to work at this grill as calmly, stresslessly and happily as Mr Morty does.

The four of us had such a great time that Mr Morty actually took a break so he could talk to us. We talked about a whole range of things. We observed people walking by, observed their daily lives in the city – our conversation had a real philosophical outlook. I like philosophical conversations, not only because it is interesting to discuss what is deep inside things – but also because you get to hear differnet perspectives on such stuff. Everybody has their own vision of life on this world and everybody has their own ideas, everybody has their own take on what they see every day in their lives – and I really like listening to that and chiming in with my own.

I soon realized we had to get to class. We had to break the conversation abruptly as we were so carried away. Class was almost about to start, and so we hastily picked up our stuff and went straight to the campus. Mr Morty invited me to come once again just as Bobbie and Timmy do every day, and I promised I would.

We were walking down the sidewalk along the long avenue. There was a lot of traffic as we were passing by, which I hear is not really unusual. There were trucks, buses, vans, cars, bikes, motorbikes, every type of vehicle. There were also a lot of people on the sidewalk as well – quite a lot of them were businessmen and women wearing formal clothes like business suits and pantsuits. A lot of them wore glasses and had hats, and they looked really smart and professional. They carried suitcases – nobody could guess what they carry inside those suitcases. Clearly they were rich. I’ve observed they rarely laughed and they mostly talked about money. Money, money, money. All about money. Seriously, they don’t discuss anything but money.

The closer and closer we got to the university, the more insecure and fearful I came to be. I felt like my life was about to actually start. This period, these few years, would define the rest of my life. I have no idea what my future profession will be. I am a student in the Faculty of Philology, which basically limits you to languages. I would probably serve as a translator to some big world leader some day. I mean, not that Antarctica really needs them. Everybody knows English here. You can thank the bloated United States of Antarctica for that. I hate that country and their annoying culture. They are everywhere. Seriously. That annoys me. It would be amazing if they weren’t so omnipresent and just left all other nations alone. Left their culture alone, their politics alone, let them interact alone and not constantly bully them. They are forcing their culture everywhere and the cultures of the rest of the world are basically dying thanks to their forced culture that has become globalized. We don’t need their companies, their imports, we don’t need their music, their food – it’s all bad, bad, bad. We want to keep our heritage and fight to preserve our way of life and our values and traditions against theirs that are increasingly encroaching upon our own. The fact that they are defending the terrorist regime of East Pengolia is enough for me. Seriously. Acadia’s shocking display of authoritarianism and aggressiveness has had an effect on me, but that does not in any way justify the US’ careless support of communist dictators. That has got to stop. The Western Union should tell the US to cut off with their behavior. They tried to during the Emperor Crisis, but they caved, as usual. My country’s responsible for that. Tropicalis and Margate didn’t want to cut their relations with the United States, and the UP just went “meh” and dealt with not being able to help the Emperorlands. Acadia, Dragonstone and Duck Island immediately jumped on the boat to protect their fellow Western Union member. How can the Western Union work this way? Sometimes it really seems like it only exists in theory and not in practice. In theory, they are all together and assist in each other, but in practice, as soon as a problem arrives, they backstab each other while fighting to keep all the benefits. Again, I blame the United Provinces for that. Their incompetence is the reason the Western Union is in such a mess.

As you can see, I started with one thought and finished with a whole other. Seriously, I think so fast and switch my focus and attention so fast, and I can’t think properly. I don’t know. It’s always been like that.

I am now at the university campus with my two friends. We had to part ways now because Bobbie Wood and Little Timmy are in the Faculty of Law. During their youth, nobody would have ever thought two individuals like they could possibly be a student of law, but hey, it happened. They are really rocking their laws and stuff like that. I don’t know what they learn there. Probably some boring advocacy and lawyering stuff. Is lawyering even a word? And are advocacy and lawyering the same thing? I’m not sure exactly what either of them mean, but I’m probably gonna need both in case I run into trouble some day.

The bell rang.

Class has started. I have arrived at my classroom prior to that. There were a lot of people in the classroom, none of whom I knew. I sat in front of my desk, when a pretty girl approached me.

“Is this seat taken?” she said.

“No”, I replied.

She sat down and placed down her bag and took out all her equipment as well as a large red textbook.

“I’m Mironica” she told me as she extended her hand.

“Nice to meet you!” I blushingly replied as I didn’t expect her to say that. “My name is John, but most people call me Penstubal, after my name.”

“Where are you from?”

“Penland” I said as I prayed for her not to ask me about my country again. I’m really tired of talking about that craphole.

“I know nothing about it” she said with an odd facial expression. She said that cluelessly, like a complete idiot. “Where is that?”

“The United Provinces, Snowiny.”

“Oh. Interesting.” she seemed like she didn’t know much about that place either.

Our conversation quickly ended and I was quick to learn that she is completely dumb. Like, she lacks basic geographic and history skills. She barely became a student in this faculty – she was barely accepted as she terribly finished her final exam. She hoped to become an art student, but she failed and is now stuck with languages. She’s only fluent in English and never tried to learn a second language in her life, and she was born in Club Penguin. She looks like your typical hottie who knows absolutely nothing. She’s red-haired, she’s red-feathered and she always wears red shirts. She’s really static. She’s always the same. Nothing new at all any time you talk to her. I do admit though, she is really cute. That’s probably the only positive thing I see in her. Then again, I had only just met her. I could at least hope she’s a nice person. And she really seemed like one. I don’t know if it’s the fake kind of kindness when they’re all nice to you and smiling and next thing you know they stab you in the back, but so far she seems really nice and she’s dumb in a charming way. So perhaps we might become friends despite her complete lack of interest in anything I have an interest in. You know, she hasn’t read a single book in months. That’s borderline offensive.

That’s when our linguistics professor walked in. She walked in and slammed the door and quickly proceeded to her desk, where she sat down and immediately opened her notebook.

“Hello, I am Dr Jenna Stewart and I will be your linguistics professor.” said she while writing something down.

The whole class greeted her with a loud “good day”. She really enjoys politeness and seeing people sucking up to her. She’s an extremely formal-looking, red penguin with a long history of asserting her dominance over others. Some students have told me she managed to bully her high school principal into letting her go after she was summoned to the principal’s office for reportedly bullying a student in an attempt to establish her dominance over her. Nobody knows why she does what she does, probably out of lust for power or something. She seems to be validated by that.

She wrote her name on the board and immediately began with her lesson without even introducing herself any further or informing us about her subject. She immediately began with the first lesson, and she started dictating at a really fast pace. Nobody could catch up with what she was saying. The whole class was quiet as she was speaking – her whole class was basically a monologue. She cracked jokes a few times, but nobody could laugh even if they really wanted to. It seemed like her class would never finish. It finally did, however, and everybody stormed out of the classroom as fast as they could, with her laughing as they were trying to do so.

Based on the way my class just stormed out of the room, I came to the conclusion that my class are a bunch of uncultured and uncivilized idiots who have absolutely no manners. I actually felt bad for my professor, even though she didn’t care at all about the fact her class stormed out of the room as if they’ve just been tortured, so I approached her.

“I, I’m sorry about the, uh,”, I stuttered, “the, the way my class, did the behave. Er, behaved.” I barely managed to say the line out of fear of her concluding I am bad or something. She’s a really, really known person in the university – the university’s ‘crown jewel’ so to say – and if she decides she hates you, you’re basically dead. Plus, I generally have a fear of talking to people who are better in every possible aspect than me in terms of things like intelligence. I am intimidated by their intelligence.

Instead of the reaction I expected, she just giggled and told me to get to class. So I blushed red and got going. I didn’t even say goodbye, what an idiot. I just left the room as she was leaving down notes in her notebook. Seriously, I’m an idiot.

Anyway, I proceeded to walk to the next classroom. On the staircase on the way there, I accidentally dropped the books I was holding in my hand as I was foolishly still thinking about what had just happened, the interaction with my professor.

“Let me help you!” some young and tall red penguin approached me. He picked up the books very quickly as they were scattered along the staircase and gave it to me upon finishing.

“Oh, thank you, you didn’t have to-“

“Oh, no problem. Anytime, anytime.”

As I was observing him walking up the staircase I noticed he seemed familiar. He seemed really familiar. Who was that? He had already gone up the staircase by the time I made the decision to move up as well. I’m an idiot. I missed the opportunity to ask him for his name and to become friends with him. I don’t know who he is though. I can’t, uh, it isn’t coming up to my mind. Seriously, I can’t remember all whatsoever. And I’m increasingly curious.

It was over though, for today. The classes had finished. I learned absolutely nothing of value and I met absolutely nobody of value. As expected. Bobbie and Timmy shared how they had so much fun and how they met so many different people with interests they have, but I literally meet nobody like that. It’s all the same people as usual.

Oh well.

I really hoped this would be a brand new start to my life, but it isn’t. It’s just the boring same, boring same. All over again, in a circle.

I was so depressed and bored that night. I just decided to lie on my bed and think about my life so far. Everything that happened in it, what is happening in it and what could happen in it. It all feels blank. Like I achieved nothing. Maybe it’s too early to wonder about it. After all, it’s been just 18 years, soon 19. Maybe it’s been too little time. But really, I haven’t done anything so far in my life and haven’t made friends who are really similar philosophically like me.

That’s when my roommates arrived. The three gongheads. They looked so stupid. Like, unbelievably stupid. They just slammed the door open and they took off their shirts and threw them across the room with full force. Naturally, one of their Kermit-darned filthy, stinky, DISGUSTING shirts landed on my face. That’s when I had it.

I got up furiously, propelled the filthy garderobe into the pellet brain’s head to his rage and then faced three tough, muscular and awfully stupid penguins running at me with their tightened flippers hurled towards my beak. I thought I was about to die. They caught me with their flippers, grabbed me tight around my thick penguin neck and seemed as if they were about to finish me for good. Oh well.

It felt like the end of the world. In my mind, I had already agreed I was about to die. That was it. No more. My life ends there. I am going to be strangled by a bunch of dense cracks who never said anything smart or have done anything useful in their whole lives. Yup, it’s over. It’s really over. Game over.

I’m dying!

So what have I done during the last 18 years? Nothing! Nothing! I’ve left nothing for this world and I’m about to die! Three spineless jocks are about to punch me in the face, leave me bleeding in my room, toss my body out through the window and leave me to die stuck in a trash can with rats consuming my body. What have I done to deserve this fate? I’ve never done anything wrong! I’ve never wronged nobody! All I’ve ever done in this world was good, good, good and nothing but the good! Never anything wrong! Tell me, what have I done to deserve this? It’s the system, that’s what! It’s the, the society, the culture! It’s horrible! I’m an innocent young man trying to enjoy life in a world full of spiteful and resentful monsters who seek nothing but destruction to your joy!

Kermit, please, is this really the end? Kermit, please, save me! Kermit please, please! Help me, Kermit! Kermit, please!

I was punched over and over, non-stop, repeatedly, with no stop, no break, over and over, I was punched and after like 20 horrible punches and kicks all over my body, I was finally let go. One of them couldn’t let go, he kicked me one more time and almost cracked my beak open. I was badly, badly, badly injured. Kermit’s sake, I needed help. I was lying on the floor, shaking and I couldn’t say a word. Kermit’s sake, why did they have to let me go! They should have just killed me! Now I’m on the floor in great pains.

They left me lying on the floor, bleeding uncontrollably. They then decided to exit the room. They closed the door and locked it behind them.

I was all alone now.

...

it felt good.

It felt refreshing. As time passed by I started healing again.

After a while, I decided, they’ve done nothing to me.

What have they done? All they’ve done is bring me physical harm. What have they done me? They have done me nothing, and I remain as fierce as ever and with my resolve stronger than before. Their hits and strokes may break my bones but they will never break my soul, ergo their doings have only strengthened me and left me here victorious and their efforts to bring me down in vain! I am impenetrable – no matter the weapon they will never capture the fort that is my spirit!

I felt ultimately victorious. This empowered me. This really did empower me. I felt really happy that I won this battle. All odds were stacked against me, but I survived. And I wouldn’t have changed the way I behaved against them a bit. They deserve the beating of the worst kind. Those stupid jocks, I hate them.

I managed to get up after a while. I managed to get on my bed and attempted to lay down to sleep, but suddenly came a slightly quiet knock on the door. A few times. I slowly managed to get up, picked up they keys to my room and unlocked the door. It was Miron.

I couldn’t describe the shocked look on his face. He was baffled. He was completely confused.

“What happened?!” he said loudly. He grabbed me in an effort to hold me and bring me down to my bed in order to rest.

“I-I...” I still couldn’t speak.

“What is it?”

“Room- roommates.”

“Yes? What about your roommates?”

I paused for a while after that.

“They... they,” I couldn’t stop stuttering, “they beat me.”

At that moment, Miron was entirely consumed with shock.

“You can come to my place” he offered me. “I’m with Snowstormer and, and two other cool kakas, and, you can come. You, you can sleep – you can have the bed, I will be on the couch.”

“No, no, no, it’s – it’s okay, it’s okay” I said, “I, I can do this-“

“No, I insist. you can’t sleep in the same room as those poops,” he said. Poop was like the worst insult he could use, besides maybe rake or dorp in certain contexts.

“Ok... okay....” I didn’t have the strength to refuse.

He proceeded to assist me in getting to his dormitory. His dormitory was 3 houses next door.

A horrible feeling consumed me as he was assisting me down the street. I felt like puking. It was horrible. My vision was impaired and I felt like I was about to pass out and die. It was like, the middle of the night. Like, it was around 1 AM. A horrible feeling. My vision was blurred and I could barely see anything. I started hallucinating, like I thought I saw some gigantic monster puffle, resembling some purple dragon, on the roof of a building. I don’t know what that was, but I was hallucinating. I felt like I had just drunk a whole barrel of cream soda. Saint Kermit, it was a horrible feeling.

Snowstormer and his two friends welcomed me at the dormitory in full shock. They weren’t asleep – they were watching some educational series about sea lions on the local television. Running into a sea lions is your worst nightmare if you’re a penguin.

I insisted on sleeping on the couch as I didn’t want to bother Miron, but he let me sleep in his bed. That was really nice of him. No wonder CK and Chill mocked him. Maybe these two aren’t so cool after all. Maybe it’s Miron that’s cool. Yes, now I’ve decided. Miron’s going to be my friend. We are always around each other nowadays, we always run into each other, we would make great friends. So I joined their team. We eventually agreed that I could sleep in their dormitory, at least until the three dodos in mine are expelled because they’ve been pieces of whale crap, so I found this the start of a new friendship. In everything bad there is something good, it seems. This beating resulted in the creation of a lasting friendship. We may not agree on everything and we may have diverging views on a lot of things, but that’s not what friends are about. Your friend is somebody who backs you and cheers you up on days when you are moody, and that’s why Miron and Snowstormer came to be my best friends.

Chapter Three
"People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically... No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

- Rosa Parks

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Years just keep passing by and passing by.

And, when you look back at the end of each one, it seems like you did absolutely nothing. Like you just completely wasted your year and haven’t done anything good. You haven’t cheered somebody up, you have not learned anything new, you haven’t made a difference in somebody’s life and you, most importantly, haven’t made a difference in your own.

That’s how I felt when the clock stroke midnight on January 1, 2019. I felt worthless. Everybody was out partying. I was alone, however. Alone with my two friends, Bobbie and Timmy. We were at Morty’s burger place. We are the only lonely people. Everybody else was partying, dancing, drinking cream soda like crazy. Wizzint has the craziest fireworks in the entire country and we got to watch them, so I guess the night was not all that bad.

Auld Lang Syne was the song that everybody was singing. Everybody was extremely melancholic. Like, everybody was all crying and celebrating as if this would be the last night in their simple lives. I, however, tried to keep my calm. I played some poker with my two friends, the only people who were ever with me, although I bet they wouldn’t be with me if they actually had somebody to hang out with. I would be with them even if I had various other friends, but I don’t, and I think they would leave me as soon as they found somebody else. I’ve never kept friends for too long. I always lose them very quickly. I’m surprised Bobbie and Timmy stayed with me for as long as they have. I’m surprised they didn’t go chasing after some girls and then abandoned me without even saying bye. Perhaps I’m too judgemental, maybe they are good people after all. Maybe they wouldn’t leave me. Perhaps they genuinely care about me, even if they are different from me. Bobbie and Timmy are far less fragile than I am. They are far more stable. They are crazy and can be offended some times, and they do get overexcited over certain things, but they’re really not as unstable and pathetic as I am sometimes. They know how to take a punch, meanwhile I don’t. I really don’t. And I’m tired of not reacting and remaining passive when being punched and kicked and pushed away over and over again. No, I’ve had it. And I will no more be intimidated. My New Year’s Resolution is that I will fight. I will fight! I will fight against the system! I will fight for myself, I will fight for other people who would join me in my fight against the system! And there’s a bunch of other people that feel just the way I do! I will not sit by and allow people to hurt me over and over again without any repercussions! Every action has its equal and opposite reaction. So I am standing up for myself and standing up against the injustice that has been done against me. I have fought the criminals. I have fought the gang of three, they’re truly a despicable criminal gang. I have fought them. They have brought me down physically, but I will not just forget. I will get them, I will get them good, I swear. I’ve been in Miron’s dormitory for far too long. I will not be intimidated no longer. I have to return to normal life. I have to return to normal life! And I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of confrontation.

Having sworn to get my revenge, I have begun plotting it. I have begun plotting how I could get back at the scum that never faced the wrath of justice for their horrible misdeeds. I have been quiet for far too long, but I’m ‘’done’’. Like, I’ve had it. I’ve suffered too much during the past few months. And I can not contain my anger anymore. This is what the world has done for me. Now I will fight back.

I returned to the dormitory after drinking several litres of cream soda. I wanted to sleep badly. I was so tired that night. I was really, really bloated from all the food and drinks I’ve had with Bobbie and Timmy at the grill. It was intolerable. That sleep was probably the best sleep in my life. I was taken over by my dream. My whole life seemed like it revolved around that dream last night. It wasn’t a special dream, but it was the best dream ever because I felt so relaxed in it after such an awful and exhausting day. I really needed a good sleep. I dreamt of a land in which everything goes my way. I control the land. I can do whatever I want. That’s what this mustached pink-colored shprogshel, or sheep as I like to call them, told me. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s my imagination and frankly I find it beautiful. How handsome and gorgeous the sheep was. There was something divine I felt about it. I really felt something divine.

“Yo what’s up you’re my prankster gangster” said this pink sheep. He spoke like some person living on the street, like some rapper or something who hangs out at clubs often.

“Whaa?” I said.

“You’re the prankster gangster king and this is your world” he said, “you can do anything you want.”

That’s when I looked around. I saw a perfect world of harmony and peace. I saw a world where everybody was offering help to one another, where everybody was cooperating, where everybody spread love and peace and where everybody respected each other’s personal boundaries. This is a land where penguins have fun and where they respect each other’s liberty as penguins. They are free to do whatever they want so long as they don’t mentally or physically harm others. It was a beautiful sight. This is the ideal world.

“Yo what do you want to change in this boring world for a prankster gangster like me” said the sheep,

“Nothing” I said. “It’s perfect”

“You are the prankster gangster king” the sheep replied, “You can do anything. I am with you all the time because you’re the king of awesome”

This was my world, and nobody could harm it. Nobody could do anything to it. I kept the world exactly as it is. I refused to change a dang thing about it. This was my ideal world – a fairytale world. Everybody had liberties, everybody’s opinion was tolerated, everybody was treated with respect, intelligent debate was possible without any possible insults, and people did things with diligence and thought and not impulsively with their heart. It was the perfect world for me. I found something good in every single person I met. There were the bad guys too. The gang of three was very different in my land. They were the nicest people ever. They helped out everybody and volunteered for charity. It was such a beautiful sight! There’s this home for pensioners in this place of my dreams, and the three of them work there and help the elderly people enjoy what are the last years of their lives. I saw them helping some granny after she had an accident in which she broke her flipper. They immediately took her to the hospital and were the most angelic souls to her. You have to see that to believe them. And the granny was so thankful, she started calling them sons. They became her three little sons! Her little chicks. That was beautiful!

That was the happiest dream of my life. It had to end next morning, however. It’s so unfortunate it had to end.

I woke up and decided to go out with Miron and Snowstormer. We went to Morty’s, as you would expect. I never try out new things. I would never propose we go to a new place. I’m really conservative, I guess. I find it hard to adapt to change. I don’t want to change. I want things to stay the same. Why do we need change all the time? Sure, let’s change things that aren’t right, but if everything’s fine, why do we need to change things? Let’s just cherish life as it is. Let’s live life as it is. There’s a lot of things on Earth that really don’t ‘’have’’ to be changed!

As I was walking down the street in order to arrive at my destination, Morty’s burger place, I was thinking about this country. I never really thought much of it, but when I look back at the country and all the memories I’ve had in it, I realize, despite so many nasty people, I really like it here. I started to feel at home. Moon Island seems to be the final destination in my life. I switched places before. From Winsburg to Penland then Kanowa to Club Penguin back to Winsburg then here to Moon Island, I switched places a lot. I never felt in any of those places quite like I do here, in Moon Island, and I really love Moon Island. That inspires me to write something about this land, my new homeland, and about its beauty and all its majesty. I want to write something to express my gratitude to be here. I don’t have citizenship here, but I’m really proud of the country even as a non-citizen. I decided that my ultimate goal is Shopper citizenship. I will live out my days on this beautiful island.

“How do you feel here?” I inquired my two dear friends.

“I love it here” said Jolly Timmy. “Personally, this is the best place on Earth to be. I am proud to have been born here in this great nation.”

“Oh my, I totally agree.” said Bobbie. “This place has flaws, but I spent the best days of my life here. I treat this place as my homeland even if it technically isn’t. But as soon as I finish college, I’m getting residency and never moving places again!”

“Wow, I feel the exact same way!” I replied.

“That’s what Moon Island does to you” said Timmy, “Moon Island is not a place you live in. It’s something you live for.”

And just like that it turned out we became the most patriotic Moonians even without being Moonians. I mean, I don’t really have an emotional attachment to Moon Island in the way Bobbie and Timmy seem to. Bobbie’s been here for years longer than I have, and Timmy was born here. He’s native. Timmy’s a hardcore patriot, however. I learned his political stances eventually. He’s a right winger. Deeply committed right winger. I was surprised by his views, actually, given that he is so crazy and laughs all the time. Him being a very nationalist and traditionalist right winger was the last thing that I would have thought about him.

“You know, the flag of Moon Island is my lucky charm” said Timmy. “I have a Moon Island flag sticker on my backpack!” He lifted his backpack to show a medium-sized Moon Island flag on it. “It gives me confidence, you know. During tests, and all. Because I know this is what I’m yearning for. The Moon Island dream”

I gazed in fascination. I admired his patriotism, really. I never loved any place before. I’m only now finding out what patriotism really means.

Mironica invited me over to her place. She is facing some difficulties in Latin, and she asked me to help teach her. We’re having a test in a few days and she is wholly unprepared for it.

Latin is my favorite language. I really love Latin. It’s so puzzling, so ancient, so complex and interesting. Latin is present everywhere in our daily lives, and not many people realize that. Try read this paragraph about Latin and count how many words I’ve used are from the Latin language. Short answer: a ton! Latin is everywhere around us, and not only do we use words with origins from Latin, we also use Latin phrases such as ‘’mea culpa’’, meaning “through my fault”, or ‘’persona non grata’’, meaning “unwelcome person”, or ‘’modus operandi’’, meaning “working habit”. Latin is the national language of the beautiful country of Candvia. I consider it my second home country, after Moon Island, of course. I go to Candvia once every year. I’m going there this year too, to the beautiful beach city of Litus Ventosum, the ‘’Windy Beach’’. Ah, the beauty of Latin!

Anyway, of course, there’s a downside to knowing Latin so good. Actually, there’s a downside to knowing any subject so good. That downside, of course, being that everybody is going to ask you for help. I hate those people that ask you for help all the time like “Oh help me please, will you please be kind an help me c: oh thank you!!!” like, they they say it a day before the test, and when you help them they leave you alone again for the next 2 months until there’s another test. I hate those people. They’re the worst slackers, they don’t really care about you. They are using you. They want your help so they can finish their stupid test and get a pathetic D- and then leave you alone until the next test.

I arrived at Mironica’s dormitory. I knocked on her door and that’s when she opened it.

“Oh, Penny, come in, come in!” she said.

To my surprise, there were 3 teenage girls learning Latin there as well. Now, that really angered me. Now I’m supposed to help 4 dumb people learn their Latin. Give me a break, I can’t do this.

“You didn’t tell me there would be other penguins” I whispered to Mironica.

“Oh, I was hoping you could help them too, they’re my friends.”

“But not mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to help them. I don’t want them!” I said to her in frustration. “I only want you!”

Mironica was surprised by those words of mine. She then held a small talk with her girls. I wanted her to tell them I would not help them and that I would only help Mironica, but Mironica ended up telling them I will help them some other time. Ugh. Thanks a lot, Mironica.

Anyway, it took the girls like 20 minutes to get out of the dorm. Like, they kept switching the topic to all the girl stuff they talk about. Hair, makeup, boyfriends, etc. Mironica barely managed to change the topic back to them leaving.

They left. Yay!

“Let’s get to business now, shall we?” said I.

“So what do you have a problem with?”

“I don’t get all this esse stuff. What does this mean? I don’t understand this 'canjugate' at all. What is this?” she said.

Seriously? That was her problem? She can’t do the most basic things in Latin? I expected her to talk about absolute ablative or nominative with accusative, or subjunctive, or something like that. But she doesn’t know how to conjugate the verb to be? Or even pronounce and spell the very word 'conjugate'?

“You have been studying Latin for nearly 4 months now and you only now decided to ask me what the verb esse means?”

“Yes” she said. “I’m not very bright, okay??” Well, that’s where she was right.

“esse means to be.” I said.

“I don’t believe you.”

“What?”

“If it means to be, how come we learned sum means to be?”

“It doesn’t.” I said grudgingly. For Kermit’s sake... “sum means I am, and it is the first person singular of the verb to be.”

“HOLD ON, Don’t go so fast! Slow down!” shouted she as she tried to write down this information on her notebook. God, it’s only been three minutes, and I’m already tired. I didn’t know how I would survive this night.

It took a while, however, but after some thirty minutes, I finally managed to teach her how to conjugate the verb to be.

“Okay, so,” said she, “I am is ego sum, you are is tu es, he, she or it is is, ea or id est...”

“That’s right.”

“Oh dear... we are... I forgot...”

“No, come on, you can do it!”

“Nose sumus?”

“Nos, but correct!”

She’s doing right. Yes, she’s going to ace that test! She’s going to get a D. Man, now I’m so proud of her.

I actually really liked doing this. We actually had fun in the process. We got to tease each other, make jokes, have fun, and we occassionally changed the topic to something else. We had so much fun. And, I liked my position the most. I liked this idea of being a professor. I could serve as an inspiration to students one day. I could become a professor at the very university I am at right now! Nah, just kidding, this place is wretched. I could become a professor, but ‘’never’’ at this university.

Anyway, after some two hours, I finished teaching her. She learned all the declensions and the conjugations by memory. I know you don’t know what all this linguistics terminology means, but it basically means she knows it good. She knows it really good.

She invited me to come lie down with her on the bed to watch this movie we both heard a lot about but never got to watch. It’s called WHAT?!?, and we have no idea what is awaiting us. I haven’t read the reviews because she just told me about the movie, and Mironica just does whatever comes onto her mind without much thinking.

After some seven minutes, we already hated the movie. My Gosh, Kermit’s freaking sake, it was awful! It was awful! After nine minutes, we decided forget it. We turned off the TV and just decided to lie on the bed and talk.

“Are you excited about going back to school?” she said.

“No...” I replied with a depressing voice, causing her to giggle.

“Well, I kind of am” she said. “I can’t wait to display my amazing knowledge of ‘’lingua latina’’, to everybody, and it’s all thanks to you ‘’mi vire’’!”

I was flattered by her words.

What happened next was really awkward.

We kind of just sat there. Well, we were on the bed. And, we were looking at each other. We said a few words. We giggled a bit.

Next thing I know, all of a sudden and completely out of nowhere, she started getting closer to me.

She then kissed me.

I was completely shocked and had no idea how to react. I blushed completely red and my eyes were open through the whole kissing process stuff. I was lost and confused. I couldn’t say a thing. I was scared. I just decided to shut up and played along. I never kissed a girl before. I never had a girlfriend before and no girl ever tried to flirt with me, or if they did, then oops, I didn’t notice.

We were kissing for like a dozen seconds. Gosh, that was a really long kiss. It felt magical, however. She completely surprised me though. Is this normal?

I didn’t close my eyes for those twelve seconds. We just finished kissing. She smiled at me and I responded with some completely awkward and weird smile, I looked like some sort of goat.

“I, I have to go.” I said in a rush a bit after.

“Where are you going?”

“H-Home.. Uh, take care. Yup, Bye!”

She was completely confused, and based on how fast I snuck out of the house and how distressed I seemed she felt like she had done something wrong. She concluded I was not happy with our kiss, and remained completely confused through the whole night. She was afraid she made a horrible mistake.

Meanwhile, as for me, I had no idea what to do. I went straight home. I opened the door to see both Miron and Snowstormer sleeping, and so I just laid down on my bed. I spent a little bit of time thinking about what had just happened, but eventually I fell asleep. I couldn’t take it anymore.

It was morning.

The day after the kiss.

I never felt this way before. It felt so awkward. It felt like I just started a whole new life. I didn’t even feel like this when I set off for Moon Island in the first place.

That’s when Miron finally woke up.

“Oh hey Pen, you’re here” said Miron as he started getting up on his couch. “How was last night with that girl you said you were helping?”

“Oh? Uh, it was, uh, it was fine.” I said. I was completely frightened.

“You stayed up pretty long.” he said. “Who were you with anyway?”

“Oh, just this girl, she goes here and all.”

“Who? I might know her?”

“Her name’s Mironica. She’s cool actually.”

At that moment, Miron was startled.

“Excuse me?” his face suddenly became emotionless.

“What?”

“Mironica?”

“Yes. She goes to this school. She’s pretty and awesome. I spent a while teaching her Latin last night.”

He seemed to have been angered by what I said, but decided to keep it cool anyway.

“Okay. Did she, did she learn it? Did you, I mean, did you teach her?”

“Yes. I did at last. We later actually...” I started chuckling.

“What?”

“We kissed.”

At that point, Miron choked for Benny knows what reason. That’s when he had it.

“You spent last night SMOOCHING with your disgusting beak with MY girl?!”

“Wh-what?”

“GET OUT!” he got up and threw a chair at me. It hit me real hard. Snowstormer woke up due to all that noise.

“GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! Get the heck out of here!” he was furious. Nobody’s ever seen him like this! Snowstormer jumped out of his bed and onto Miron in an effort to contain him, but Miron kept throwing stuff at me, breaking vases and lamps and shouting curse words at me. I have no idea what angered him.

“OKAY, OKAY! I’m sorry-“

That’s when he threw a vase directly into my forehead, hitting me hard and causing me to fall on the floor and bleed like mad. Snowstormer managed to contain Miron, however, and threw him down on the floor and restrained him.

I attempted to hurry out the dormitory, but I was too slow. Within a few minutes I got as far away from the dormitory as I could.

I had no idea what angered Miron. I literally had no idea. I had no idea what he meant by ‘his girl’. I never see them together. So I was utterly confused and startled. I spent the next few hours thinking what he meant and what had just happened. I also spent a while thinking about last night in general, about whether I was comfortable with the fact that Mironica kissed me. I quickly decided I was. I was definitely comfortable. I wanted more.

I sat on a bench at the Students’ Park for about an hour, and that’s when Snowstormer slowly and calmly approached me and sat beside me.

“Hi...” I said quietly.

“Hey.” he replied.

“So, may I ask... what just happened?”

“Let me tell you a long story.”

I prepared myself for the story and sat in a comfortable position for listening to it.

“Mironica was Miron’s boyfriend. They knew each other in high school-“

“Wait, what? Is that why they have similar names?”

“I mean, that I do not know. Probably just a coincidence.”

“Wow, okay. Okay. I’m dumb. I never noticed the similarity” I replied in awe.

“Anyway, they’ve known each other since they were kids. They are both from Club Penguin and they used to hang out all the time. One day, however, they had to go apart their own separate ways. Mironica swore to forever remain faithful to him. Miron did as well. Miron actually kept his commitment, while Mironica... she was quick to betray him.”

I was shocked by his story.

“She dated so many different guys. They all had intimate relations. Miron never did, however. He stopped pursuing girls as he longed for the today he would reunite with the love of his life, Mironica. And then...”

“And then what?”

“And then you happened.”

I was startled. That’s when I truly realized I have done something horribly, horribly wrong.

“But they are in the same city. Why did they not come to each other?”

“Mironica never told him she transferred to Wizzint University from Shiverpool a few months back. She kept that secret from him. They never met.”

I felt like I had really wronged Miron. I have done something horribly, horribly wrong, and I felt like I betrayed my best friend. I seriously didn’t mean to betray him, and I hope he forgives me. I really do. But as for Mironica, it’s probably over before it even started. I think I will go tell her peacefully that I cannot betray my friend like this, and it will be over. She’s a beautiful girl and I had an amazing time with her, but it has to stay only that. It can’t become anything like, boyfriend-girlfriend stuff.

Pity. First time a girl ever likes me and I have to give her up.

So I went to Mironica’s place.

I knocked on her door once again. I was shaking and trembling as I was doing so. Man, I can’t describe the feeling. It’s so odd. So weird. I felt I am about to do something I’ve never done before. And indeed I am. I am breaking up with a girl after less than 12 hours.

At last, she opened the door.

“Hey Penny, what’s up my boy?”

“Hey, listen, Mironica... I need to talk to you...”

“Oh, yes, I need to talk to you too. Oh Penny. You walked away so suddenly last night. Why?”

“Yes, uh, about that-“

“I love you, Penny” she said. “You’re special.”

I was dazzled by her words. I was so utterly confused. I didn’t know what to say.

“Do you wanna go out sometime?”

“Mironica, listen...”

“I know a good place around here, next bloc. They might be holding a movie night and I was wondering-“

“MIRONICA...” I shouted. My heart started aching real fast.

“... What, Penny?”

“I... I think we should stop seeing each other.”

She was crushed by my words.

“What... what are you saying?”

“There’s somebody else I know who is loyal and loving to you, and I can not betray my Friend and crush my Friend’s heart.”

She was clearly lost and shaken. Nobody ever broke up with her before. It’s always been her breaking up with guys or simply forgetting about them and getting new ones.

“I’m sorry, Mironica. I can not do this!” I ran out with tears going down my cheek. Mironica fell down on the floor, crying. I kinda felt bad for her, afterwards. But then again, considering how she treated Miron, I really don’t.

I returned to Miron’s dormitory, and there I met a calm Miron with friend Snowstormer.

He glared at me as if he had a reason to be upset and mad at me. After a few moments, however, he moved over and allowed me to sit beside him.

We acted like nothing had happened.

Chapter Four
"Gaudeamus igitur Iuvenes dum sumus! Gaudeamus igitur Iuvenes dum sumus! Post iucundam iuventutem, Post molestam senectutem, Nos habebit humus! Nos habebit humus!"

- Gaudeamus igitur (So Let Us Rejoice)

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I never thought the day would finally come.

After so many years of studying, years of hard toil, tears and sweat and so much drama and emotional pain, I graduated university. How happy I was! Everybody was out partying, everybody was drinking cream soda like crazy, and everybody was happy. Just like me. The atmosphere here was terrific. Everybody was out running through the city all day, many of them waving Moon Island flags to celebrate their achievements in graduating university. Some people have decided to pursue further education, and so have I.

I decided that I would likely continue with postgraduate studies in an effort to get a master's degree, and eventually possibly a PhD. After a while of consideration I definitely decided for that and have embarked on completing the next chapter of my life.

The times have gotten very hard, however. Some newspapers have been circulating that Shops Island was going to collapse within a few years.

I didn't believe those news. I decided to pursue further education just in case, but I haven't been too concerned about politics. The political situation, from what I heard, has gotten really tense in Shops Island. A party has been created in Moon Island called the Moon Island National Congress (the MINC), and it seeks independence from Shops Island. Meanwhile, in Eastern Shops, Djf, one of the most detested politicians in this part of the country right now, has been elected that state’s governor. The political atmosphere in Shops Island is changing. I don’t know what this meant. I was so disinterested in politics. I used to be a young rebel before, and a few years back I made this newspaper called the Penstubal Post to point out what I hate on this world, but I’ve gotten bored of it so I let other people run it. I’ve grown seriously disinterested in politics. People like Bobby and Timmy haven’t, however, and politics has basically become their main interest. Bobby seriously believes Shops Island is going to collapse within a few years due to increased corruption, and Timmy is actually hoping it collapses. He is a registered member of the Moon Island National Congress. This caused Bobby and Timmy to split. Bobby loves Moon Island, but is against its independence and believes it should stay in the union under Shops. Timmy, however, sees Moon Island as a slave of Shops Island and is mad at Bobby for being against its independence – he eventually accused him of being a traitor, and that’s when the two split up. Yup. A friendship ended over petty politics.

So, Shops is collapsing, and here I am, not caring.

I continued living life as normal. I really couldn’t care less about the tight political situation anywhere. I just wanted to live life. Come on. Why can’t politicians just leave us alone? Why can’t politicians kill each other and fight each other and leave us normal folk alone? Seriously! I just want to live! I just want to spend the days of my youth not having to worry about being blown up by a nuclear bomb.

Anyway, even as a person born during the horrible Snowinn Civil War, I really didn’t care much about the possibility of war in Shops Island. I mean, I think they were overreacting anyway. I don’t think there’s going to be war in Shops. We’re clearly an industrial, hard-working nation that wouldn’t balkanize. Sure, Shops starts wars abroad, but that’s abroad. Not here. Here in Shops, we are a very cultured folk. We don’t kill each other, we only kill the others, and you’re dang right we’re proud of that.

Anyway, let me tell you about my life now.

My relations with people have gotten really bad. Miron, Snowstormer and I fight all the time ever since the Mironica incident. Also, I have gotten really unpopular at school. I used to be fine with everybody, but everybody hates me now because I hang out with Miron. Snowstormer has gotten very unpopular too. People say he changed because of Miron. He is no longer the same person he once was. He’s really insane and blindly follows Miron, and really, so do I.

My friends, Chill, Penquino and their friends have all effectively abandoned me. That’s what my life has become. They’ve all abandoned me because I hang out with the “wrong people”. They have derisively decided to call us the “Dorp Trio”. We have become the laughing stock among many people. I got really tired of that, and so I decided to revive my Penstubal Post and use it to insult them and get revenge for all the trouble and mean insults they have given me over the years.

Something shocking happened, however.

It got popular.

No really, it started circulating like wildfire all over Wizzint. It was a phenomenon. People actually started believing everything I was saying, and this gave me a real sense of accomplishment. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I had made an impact on other people and their lives, and this world itself. The Penstubal Post was a huge success – at least among the crowd that has gotten to hate Chill and CK for whatever reasons I could possibly publish in the Penstubal Post. Some people have become very supportive and obsessed with the Penstubal Post, such as Quackerpingu.

I contacted Quackerpingu and we met at my new house in the middle-class, suburban neighborhood of Montalba on the western bank of the Gdania river. It was an ordinary middle-class home. I was quite wealthy, but not too much. I was visibly in the upper middle-class. My house is a large, beautiful red house. It has two floors and a balcony in the front and in the front also a small garden. It’s in a really nice position near the Gdania river. I really loved the view from the balcony. The house caught me a ton of money, but it was worth in the end – I have really gotten to love my place.

I have successfully gotten residency in Shops Island and I hoped to get citizenship within the next few years. I have to take a lot of tests and a lot of health check-ups in order to achieve it, and it’s a painfully long process. Shops Island got really strict when it comes to immigration policy lately, particularly for people from Western Union member states, and of course I am one of those people, being from the United Provinces.

I met Quackerpingu at my house. Immediately, I noticed I recognize him.

It’s one of the guys from the party!

I mean, uh. Do you remember those two dudes in the corner? At that party I’ve been at a few years ago? They were mocked by Penquino and Chill. Yeah, they were clearly very hated. I just realized, this is one of those two guys. And suddenly, I can completely recall the other guy’s look too.

I remember the other guy definitely, and I remember I met him before. Yes. I met him at university! I distinctively remember I met him at university. But I can’t remember the setting and I can’t remember his look that day, nor what really happened.

“Welcome sir, to my Red House!” I said enthusiastically to this new friend.

“Hello, quack! I am Quackerpingu.” he said.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Penstubal. I mean, you already know and I already know who you are, so...!”

He let out two quacks which I supposed were meant to represent laughs.

“I have come here to say how SPLASH your post is. It’s SPLASH. Don’t listen to Chill. He’s not SPLASH. He’s mean.” he said.

“Oh, thank you. Yeah, speaking of that, can you tell me your story? How do you know Chill?”

“Yes, quack. Well, it’s been a very long time ago. It was several years ago. Not a few years ago. Several.” he said, “It was several years ago. And, Chill was cool. He was not actually cool. I thought he was cool. He’s not.”

“Yes, go on.”

“Anyway, quack, I thought he was cool. He mocked a lot of people. He was very rude. He made fun of people. I liked it. I’m not rude, but I liked it. He is rude, but I’m not. He yes, I no.”

“Continue.”

“And, quack, he made mean names for me. But I didn’t care. He cared. I didn’t. I liked him anyway. I don’t now.” he continued, “Later, he started doing mean things as well. So I started being mean to him. He’s not nice. He’s really mean. I’m nice. He’s not. And that’s what happened.”

“But why does he mock you? Why does he hate you so much?”

“Idk. He just does. Quack.”

“Interesting” I said.

At that moment, seeing that he so passionately hates Chill, I felt like he could make the perfect writer for the Penstubal Post.

“Would you like a job at the Penstubal Post? You can write mean things about Chill and bring to light the truth about his obnoxious behavior!”

“That sounds SPLASH, Quack!” he said enthusiastically. “Yes! I would like the job!”

“Done!”

“Really? Quack! No interview or anything! Quack! Quack!” he quacks a lot more when he is excited.

“Nope. You’re hired. Get to work!”

At that moment, he was really joyful, and he immediately got down to business to mock Chill as much as possible. Within the next 48 hours, he wrote as many as 20 articles about Chill and how mean and bad he is. He’s awesome. I mean, Chill’s not. Quacker is. Chill not. Crap, I’m starting to talk like Quacker.

The Penstubal Post has gotten surprisingly popular. Headlines such as “Chill eats raw baby chicks for dinner” and “Penquino has an unhindered obsession with slapping female penguins!” have started to resonate around the world, humiliating their reputation, but at the same time solidifying their base and getting it to unite against the Penstubal Post’s management and myself.

“The Penstubal Post is a shameful fake-news tabloid! It’s a sham, sham, sham, all lies!” said Chill at a public rally in Chill Island. “Don’t listen to those lies! Don’t even mention them! Don’t give Penstubal and his phony scrubs attention! They crave for attention!” The large crowd enthusiastically cheered Chill and chanted “Censor Penstubal!”

This motion was proposed at the Common Legislature, the national legislature of Shops Island. The whole session was then thrown into a state of disarray, with penguins attacking each other and some members even coming out in support of Penstubal. Penstubal was not very popular following this incident at the Common Legislature. This incident gave the Penstubal Post international attention – President Lavender urged calm in the Common Legislature and expressed his opinion against censoring the Penstubal Post even with such malicious speech. Meanwhile, the president of Acadia was amused by the news from Shops Island.

The Acadian president welcomed the Penstubal Post, and started reading it himself. He was really amused by it, and one day, he decided to contact me.

I was startled. Shocked. Baffled.

The president of a sovereign nation ‘’likes’’ my post. Okay, I didn’t know how to react. I was confused. And so I talked to the president privately, on phone, and he invited me for a dinner with him in the presidential palace in Delphi, Acadia.

I accepted the invitation.

It was a complete shock for me. When I opened the Penstubal Post, I hoped it would be a small platform for me to point out the flaws of Chill and Penquino, but no, it garnered international attention. I was stunned.

I agreed to this dinner with the president of Acadia that would take place a few days later. I decided that if I were going to meet the leader of a foreign country i would need to look very, very good and so I decided to wear the best possible suit I have. Of course, it’s the same one I used to wear years ago and it still fits me perfectly for some reason. It’s a black suit with a red tie. I love my red tie. It makes me feel powerful. And considering I’m meeting one of the most controversial and authoritarian leaders in Antarctica, I will probably need that to feel more equal to him. I am a democrat. I consider myself a liberal. I really don’t like authoritarianism or authoritarian leaders. I believe every penguin has the right to be free. Every penguin has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I am a strict believer in those ideals. You know, I used to be a socialist before. I was a really hard leftist, but as I started getting older life also pushed me further to the right, and here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Anyway, Brant Esser really is one of the most powerful penguins in Antarctica. He holds tremendous influence in the Western Union. He’s one of the most prominent Western Union leaders, and he has a lot of influence over my country of birth, the United Provinces. Delphi is the capital city of the Western Union and it is in Brant Esser’s country, meaning I would be in a very important city on the world stage. I’m not used to being in those. I prefer small towns, small cities, I don’t really like too big cities. I always feel like I’m suffocating in those. They are too big and crowded for me.

The Wizzint International Airport was really crowded that day. It was a busy workday. I had booked my flight for Delphi, Acadia at around 3 PM and got on my plane half an hour later.

I arrived in Delphi by 6 PM and at the presidential palace around less than an hour later. At the vast and luxurious presidential palace of Acadia I was welcomed by President Brant Esser.

“Mister President, it’s a pleasure to meet you sir.” I said very formally.

“Welcome to Acadia. Please come in!” he said joyfully.

We entered and walked through the gilded hallways of Acadia’s presidential palace. It underwent a large renovation in the last few years and President Brant Esser spent tens of millions of circums into gilding the whole palace and making it an even more luxurious place to live. The project to renovate the place has been considered very, very shady, even by Acadian standards, and President Brant Esser has been accused of improving his life at the expense of the lives of ordinary Acadian citizens. President Brant Esser’s administration is considered to be the most closed and authoritarian administratio in Acadia’s history, and has been greatly scrutinized by the Western Union Commission and certain countries for its undemocratic practices and its very closed-to-the-public administration.

“Mister President, let me just say what an honor it is to be with you today, and I appreciate the gesture of inviting me to Delphi here today.” I said.

“No need for the formal talk. What’s up?” he said nonchalantly.

“Oh, nothing, Mister President? Nothing in particular, sir...”

“Don’t talk to me like that. Come on. We’re buddies” he said. “Let’s talk like buddies. Seriously. You’re my friend.”

“Oh, okay ...” I giggled. “I’m... humbled to be your friend.”

“Good, good!” he said. “So, let me start by saying I am a big, big fan of your mission to expose the truth about Chill. That guy is nothing but trouble. To think he is the vice president of Shops Island. That country should be ashamed of itself!”

“I agree” I said. “I wholeheartedly agree. Chill is not fit to be vice president.”

“Exactly” he said. “If only the whole country would agree...”

I nodded enthusiastically.

“Do you remember me?” he asked me.

This bizarre question startled me.

“Whaa-a?”

“I met you at Wizzint University. You dropped your books and I picked them up for you. I never introduced myself, however, nor did I have the authorization to do so.”

Now I remember. He’s the other guy at that party! He was in that corner with Quackerpingu! Of course! Now I remember!

“Oh my, sir... um,” I was confused.

“Speak up” he said.

“Were you at the party held several years ago at the gym of the Wizzint University, you know, about the Club Penguin Weekee and its development?”

“Why, yes, of course! How do you know!”

“I was there, and that’s where I met Chill and Penquino.”

“Why, of course you have” he said. “Those rascals!”

“Did you have bad moments with them before?”

“Yes, many. They mocked me a lot, and that really hurt my feelings.” he said, “They have interfered quite a lot in Acadian domestic affairs, such as when they bombed my country with eggs and cheese!” Yes, it’s true, Acadia was bombed with eggs and cheese, but not by Chill and Penquino but rather an army opposed to them and intent on taking over Antarctica. We accepted that truth far too late.

“That’s horrible” I said in shock. “They are such despicable fools, by Benny’s sake, shame on them!”

“Indeed” he said. “So now, we must get our revenge. Listen, I have an offer for you.”

“Yes?”

“I am going to donate over ten million circums to the Penstubal Post with the goal of getting you an international headquarters and helping you spread your outreach across the world.”

I was completely shocked by what he said. Ten million circums for the development of the Penstubal Post?? Good grief! I was startled, I didn’t know what to say! Wow!

“S-sure, thank you! Thank you, Mister President, that would be great!”

“Yes! And, additionally, I would like to become a writer for the Penstubal Post. I have my fair share of things to write about Chill and his goons.”

“Sure! Sure! You’re hired immediately, no questions asked!”

“Awesome!”

At that moment, the President and I shook hands and went out to eat dinner. We had delicious Acadian-style poutine for dinner, and it was really good. We also ate some traditional Acadian cream soda – this one is very unique, it is not like the cream soda in the rest of Antarctica. It’s very localized, and the Acadians are proud of their unique cream soda. After we finished dinner, he escorted me outside the building.

“Question, sir?” I asked upon my arrival to the limousine that would take me to the airport.

“Do speak.”

“Is it legal according to the Acadian law for you to be donating money for the Penstubal Post on behalf of the country?”

“Of course not!” he jokingly replied, much to his amusement but not quite to mine. I giggled anyway.

“Haha, well... thank you so much for hosting me. It was a pleasure.”

“Mine as well. I hope to see you again soon!”

“Me too. Bye!”

The limousine went straight to the airport. It was around 11 pm when we arrived at the airport, and I arrived back home by 3 am. It was a lovely flight and I got a little rest before the flight attendant woke me up.

I woke up next morning around half past ten o’clock. I felt like I had such a refreshing sleep. I woke up that morning very cheerful and happy because of yesterday’s meeting with Brant Esser.

For breakfast that morning I got myself some fresh sardines straight from the Moon Island coast. Mmm. I also got myself some nice and fresh orange juice, which I found very nice to enjoy because it had Kermit’s face on it. That’s, however, when I realized that Chill is obsessed with Kermit to an unhealthy extent. He thanks him for everything. It’s unbelievable. He believes Kermit is the reason anything good ever happens in his life. That’s probably because he’s such a miserable person. So after a while of thinking, I threw out the Kermit Brand™ orange juice despite its outstandingly great quality. That’s fine, I think it was expired anyway.

I had a very nice morning. I watched some TV, first some fun cartoon series and then I switched to the news. They were reprising some Lavender address to the Common Legislature last night about some commies or stuff. I don’t know, don’t care. Politics is really boring. I don’t know what excites people in it. I will never be a politician. I just don’t see myself as a politician. I see myself as who I really am now, though, for the rest of my life. I am a professor at Wizzint University. You might remember when I said I could never be a professor at Wizzint University, but it wouldn’t seem like me if I didn’t decide to do for the rest of my life what I promised never, ever to do. It just wouldn’t sound like me. Anyway, I became a professor of literature, believe it or not. I am teaching all the literature, boring and not boring. I have shown myself to be quite a strict professor, indeed, except with the works I find boring. To everybody who reads the ones I find boring I offer my condolences. Anyway, I really enjoy my teaching job and I started really seeing myself in it. I am teaching future generations the wisdom that has been inherited by generations and generations and for generations and generations of penguins. Teachers are probably some of the most important people in Antarctica. Can you imagine a world without teachers? The whole continent would be uneducated, illiterate and politics would be simply anarchy. When you think of it, that wouldn’t be a bad idea. If all countries were anarchic, we would get more time for something useful on television instead of the constant politicians binkering and giving their stupid opinions on stupid stuff. Seriously, it would be great! Okay, I’m an anarchist now. Done. Totally done. Anarchist. Yup. Nah, just kidding, I can’t be an anarchist. I’m tired of politics but not that tired, nor do I seriously think that it would help much. Politics would still exist, it’s just it would make even less sense than before.

I have started to really enjoy life. I have gotten far less depressed. That’s probably because I’m an actually successful and known person now. I eventually, after some long time, finished work that resulted in me getting a master’s degree at the Wizzint University, filling me with joy once again. I became a reputable person among some elite circles, despite the Penstubal Post controversies and the meeting with the president of Acadia that was later leaked to the media. I haven’t exactly been popular for meeting with the president of Acadia, but I managed to survive cause I became such a powerful person in Wizzint. I also got a decent wage thanks to my job at the university, and so I could renovate my beautiful house. The interior was even better than before. I didn’t really like too luxurious stuff, but I just decided to make the home of my dreams – and that’s a nice, cosy home. Thanks to the huge interior renovation, I didn’t hear much traffic anymore and I could sleep at night with almost no noise at all anymore. Yay!

My life habits have really changed ever since I graduated Wizzint University. I am trying to maintain healthy eating habits, and I have almost completely abandoned snack foods except for designated time periods on Fridays and weekends and sometimes only one of the first 4 days of the week. I have really organized myself. I used to be a very messy person but now I clean up my house and do my own chores every day. I control my life. My parents occassionally come to visit, and that’s when we have a good talk about my life and everything that’s been going on. I am finally a successful, trustworthy, reliable and respectable person. Yay! So all my worries about what I will be in my life have proved to be stupid because I succeeded in my life.

Well, kind of.

I was lonely. Terribly lonely. I had no real friends who understood me. Nobody wanted to hang out with me much anymore. I was left with nobody. Bobbie Wood and Jolly Timmy both moved on with their lives and became professional lawyers. I have no friends. And I’ve only had one girlfriend and that was for the less than 12 hours I had Mironica – we never talked since that break-up, but luckily for her, she met another guy just a day later, whom she broke up with soon – but now she is with Miron. I think they might get married soon. Miron never thanked me for basically handing Mironica to him on a silver platter. That got me real mad, so I decided to slander the two, especially Miron, in the Penstubal Post. I found it a smart move to constantly refer to Mironica in every issue as a ’hot mama’ instead of by her name or anything more appropriate. It had the effect I wanted – Miron got furious and wanted to beat me up again, but hey, he can’t now, I’m in the comfort of my private home!

I live in a real nice neighborhood right now on the west bank of the Gdania river. It has very low crime rates and everything is perfect. I’m so glad I finally found the place I belong. The streets are clean, the whole neighborhood is fine, the neighbors are nice and friendly – it’s probably just the amazing Moon Island hospitality. I’m living, in my opinion, a perfect life. I don’t worry too much about anything. That’s how good it is. And I have my teaching job and thanks to my fame and my general awesomeness I have a great wage, so I’m doing quite well.

Life was generally good for me. I didn’t think too much about politics, still. But that would soon start to change, as circumstances would force me to care.

Chapter Five
"FARE thee well! and if for ever, Still for ever, fare thee well"

- Lord Byron

OA_CndlBu0g

My worst nightmare had occured. Chill is now the president of Shops Island. What is he going to do to this nation? Kermit knows what. He’s going to bring it to heck. There go the Lavender years.

Now it’s true. Shops Island will collapse.

Chill is completely inept. He has no idea what he’s doing. He ruins just about everything he ever touches. Shops Island is definitely going to collapse. And it has a very weird system, unusual anywhere else in the world. Shops Island elects its vice president. Completely strange. Anyway, apparently David Franklin, former governor of Moon Island and Eastern Shops, a corrupt demagogue got elected for the office of vice president. What the heck? What were they thinking? This has got to be rigged. There have already been accusations by his opponents that it has been rigged. It really seemed that way. He won in a landslide. NOBODY thought this would happen. It stunned everybody across Antarctica, in fact. But it happened. And now there are talks of rebellion. I’m worried now. I saw Shops Island as one of the most stable countries in Antarctica, but it now turns out my stupid country of origin is a much more peaceful and convenient places to live. If only I had known. Oh sweet gosh, Benny, if only I had known! Snowiny is a prosperous country and everybody is living fine there and I have fled that country out of my own selfish reasons. But there’s no returning there! No! I can not return, returning would be me admitting my defeat. I have to stay here and fight on, even as the country is burning itself to the ground! Chill is the president, Djf the vice and Penquino is positioning himself for power. All my biggest enemies are winning. For Benny’s sake. For Benny’s sake, all my biggest enemies are winning! Why! I don’t want this. I never asked for this. I only want peace. I don’t ask for much. I only want peace. Why does there have to be war? Let’s not kill each other. Why are penguins such aggressive creatures? No, I can’t live here. Forget it. I’m sorting out where I will flee. I will seek political asylum, yup. Political asylum. My options are either Acadia, where my friend Brant is. He would gladly welcome me, probably. My second option is fleeing to Candvia, to my beach home in Litus Ventosum. I think that would be a safe option, but I haven’t decided yet. Don’t you think it would be best if I moved in with Brant? Brant would welcome me, certainly. And we’d have a lot to do, we’d have a lot to talk about, he’s a fun dude. A fun guy to hang around. Should I move in with Brant? Or should I flee to my beach estate? Help me, Benny! Help me! No, I’m losing time, I have not much time. I have to make my move quickly. I have to move, Chill has resigned. The country is collapsing. It’s all over. It’s basically official. And they’re fighting, there’s keysabers, everybody’s getting them, oh Gosh, they’re all over the place. all over. They’re everywhere. And everybody has them. They’re all fighting. I have to flee. I decided, due to my aversion to inner cities, to move to Litus. Yup. I will seek Candvian political asylum. bona sera – Shops, ave – Candvia.. I feel just like I felt when I left for Wizzint. Oh, new times were starting. Bright new days. But here I am, a traveller. I travel the world. I never stay anywhere for too long. I always move. I am a nomad. I have nowhere to settle. Where will I settle? Where is my home? Do I have a home? Is the whole world my home? Does it exist? Where is it if it does? What am I doing here? I spent the whole flight to Ventides thinking about this. I am lost. I am confused. I am nowhere to be found. Will I ever return to Moon Island? Will I ever return to my beautiful home? What will be left of it when I come back? Oh, Benny! I bid you farewell, the Lunar land of Mine! I kiss your shores goodbye! Farewell Moon Island, my tears are dropping for you. I will miss your majestic forests and your beautiful cities. Your generous locals with their smiling faces. Benny’s sake, I will miss you.

I have arrived.

There’s a huge crowd of penguins at the famous Lucas Calderon International Airport in Ventides, Candvia. Now I have to take a bus ride to the town of Litus Ventosum not far away south from Ventides. I already recognized dozens of Shoppers at the airports. The airport was filled with Shoppers – it turns out I was not the only one worried about the tense political situation in Shops Island. Good thing I’m not alone, I guess. The more people flee the country, the better. All the good people must flee Shops Island before its too late. Let the evil people fight it out. Let power hungry maniacs fight each other to the death, I don’t care, just don’t get me involved in this! Don’t get us good, smart, educated and hopeful people into this. I hate war. I hate the brutality of war. War is the government’s best tool for killing off intellectuals and leaving only the dumb morons who will blindly follow everything it says. That’s in the government’s interest. A servile population, and since intellectuals aren’t servile, they must die or go away. That’s why the government should be as limited as possible. It must not be allowed too much power. It must serve the people and not the other way round. Seriously, forbid it from doing basically anything. Let individuals control their own lives. Don’t let the government tell you what you can and cannot do.

Speaking of governments telling you what you can and cannot do, I have decided to continue with the Penstubal Post. I’m never giving up. Penquino and Chill must be exposed for the criminals they really are. They should all be arrested, given a trial, sentenced to prison for life. I don’t care. Let them rot in prison. By Benny, they are rotten scum. I hate them with all my heart. They have destroyed the beautiful nation that is Shops Island and they have bullied and intimidated countless individuals throughout their life. By Benny, I hope they are the first to get blown away by a Squarium bomb. Seriously, I’m tired of their denigrations and their attacks against me and my friends. They constantly insult me in such horrible ways. You missed them mailing me salt every. single. day. Like, it is okay, but it gets annoying at some point. They also constantly vandalize my house. They vandalized my house dozens of times within the last few years with various things, like slogans and symbols and salt and all sorts of stuff. They accuse me of being a salty person because I don’t take their bullcrap. Well, I don’t take their bullcrap. Nothing’s gonna change. By Benny’s sake, I will destroy them all. Mark my words, I will destroy them all.

I have now gotten on my bus for Litus Ventosum. There were two dozen other people inside the bus, all headed to Litus Ventosum. They were all chatting with each other, and I sat next to an old lady on the bus.

“Mane bonum” I said to the lady.

“Salve, mas” replied the woman.

“Are you from Candvia?”

“No, I am from Shops.”

“Oh really? Me too. I’m from Moon Island, specifically.”

The lady looked at me and was clearly saddened by what she heard.

“Everybody’s leaving that old wretched place. I moved there to the great land, to Shops Island, the beautiful city of Vonkouver, about 15 years ago. My daughter got a green card. Oh, she worked hard, very hard...” she said with tears dropping down her face, “She worked very hard and finally got her dream life... And now it’s gone. It’s gone.”

“I’m so sorry for you.”

“Everybody’s leaving. It’s going to be gone in a few months. It’s all going to be gone, gone! With nothing more left.”

I watched this old lady speak about Shops Island and its demise for the duration of the trip. Man, it was so sad. Her story really depressed me. I felt so sad for her and her daughter, a true dream. The Shopper dream, now gone. It’s been replaced. I now hear that fighting has broken out and that Shops Island is being torn apart into two warring states. I could only help but wonder what will happen to this beautiful land. Shops Island is the only, and proud, owner of Squarium bombs, and my worst nightmare is that the country will be blown up by those. It seems that the people there have gotten that crazy to bomb their whole beautiful country they worked on for so many years – they have shattered their dream. All for power. They’ve destroyed their country. Why have they done that? Why?

I was so touched by this old woman’s speech. So many lives will be destroyed, even already have been destroyed, by this terrible war. A worldwide refugee crisis could occur. The global economy will be shattered for sure. And once Shops Island falls, the countries around the world will fight for domination over them... Mark my words, you will see, you will see. You will all see. The biggest conflict in the history of Antarctica will occur, mark my words. We will all be blown up within just a few years. It’s the end of the long peace in Antarctica. The decade long peace is over. It’s been shattered. It’s gone. The fall of Shops Island marks the beginning of a dark new era in Antarctica, the beginning of the Dark Age.

What have I done during my year-long stay in Candvia?

Not much. I’ve made a small farm in my backyard. I decided to raise some crops and try out some regular farmer life. I became a local merchant, actually. Everybody went here to shop. I eventually expanded and built a market. Mercatus Penstubalis. Everybody shops here, yeah. Who wouldn’t? I have everything the locals need. I have the cabbage, I have the tomatos and the potatos, I have it all, I have all the crops you need. Come here, to my mercatus, come here, let’s buy, let’s sell, hop here, hop here. I actually made thousands of circums doing this job. I worked virtually every day, with no real breaks. All the breaks I took were the few times every month I went to swim in the beautiful pristine waters of Candvia. No wonder everybody goes here. The water is crystal clear. It’s unlike anywhere else in Antarctica. It’s so beautiful, so tropical. Candvia’s one of the top summer destinations for tourists in Antarctica, and indeed I actually made most of my money during the summer because of the height of the tourist season. Man, Litus Ventosum is filled to the brim with tourists during the summer. You wouldn’t believe it. I barely even went to the beach during the summer. I decided to set up my own private pool using the money I have made with my little farmers’ market. Ah, I swam there all the time, you wouldn’t believe it, it’s amazing.

After a few days in Candvia, I actually started to forget about my life in Moon Island. Like, I genuinely forgot I ever was in Moon Island in the first place. I really enjoyed my life in Candvia.

But, after a few months, my anxiety started to kick in.

It was so sudden. The first few weeks, first few months in Candvia were all fine, stress-free. But eventually I started feeling suffocated, and my worries for Shops Island and in particular Moon Island started to rise. Apparently, a large clash occurred at the Frosian Islands, and that battle has been called the turning point of the war. Yup, turning point. They’re saying it’s done. Shops Island is going to collapse. It’s now only a matter of time.

And indeed, it happened.

“ORDER, ORDER! May I have your attention please! ORDER!”

It was a complete ruckus. A total mess. Everybody ran around everywhere, everybody was shouting at each other and papers were all over the place.

“PLEASE! Order! Everybody!”

“You are all traitors! TRAITORS! YOU ARE ALL TRAITORS! SHAME ON YOU, SHAME ON YOU! YOU’RE ALL A DISGRACE!” screamed an angry penguin.

“THAT’S ENOUGH, Cut it out!”

“ORDER!”

“EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN NOW!” shouted at the top of his lungs the aqua penguin. “MOTION TO DECLARE INDEPENDENCE PROPOSED TO THE COUNCIL FLOOR. SENATORS!”

A ruckus proceeded once again. The Council was thrown into a state of disarray and everybody literally lost their minds.

“THE COUNCIL OF THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND ON JANUARY 31ST, 2027, IN DANCING PENGUIN CITY ASSEMBLED, HEREBY ADOPTS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE OF THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND.”

“NAY! NAY! NAY!” shouted the penguins at the back of the chamber.

“WE, THE PEOPLE OF THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND, RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DETERMINE OUR OWN DESTINY AND BASE OUR DECLARATION ON THE RECOGNIZED RIGHT OF THE NATIONAL SELF-DETERMINATION OF THE MOON NATION.”

“NO!” One by one penguins started walking out as many more were also screaming as the penguin was reading the declaration.

“THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND HAS THE RIGHT TO BE AND OUGHT TO BE A FREE AND INDEPENDENT NATION GOVERNED BY THE PRINCIPLES OF LIBERTY, JUSTICE AND PROSPERITY FOR ALL ITS CITIZENS!”

“NEVER!”

“MISTER PRESIDENT, THANK YOU.” said the aqua penguin to the president of the session, Dps04.

“DOES ANYBODY WISH TO DEBATE?”

“NO!”

“THOSE IN FAVOUR SAY AYE!”

“AYE!” A roaring aye blast through the chamber.

“OPPOSED?”

“No! NO!”

“THE AYES HAVE IT, MOTION PASS UNANIMOUSLY.”

“TRAVESTY! SHAME ON YOU!” screamed the anti-independence penguins. “THIS IS A TRAVESTY! THIS IS AN ILLEGITIMATE VOTE! WE VOTED NO!”

“BY ARTICLE 7, SECTION XI OF THE CONSTITUTION OF THE STATE OF MOON ISLAND, THIS SESSION IS NOW ADJOURNED.”

The whole chamber was then thrown into a state of disarray, with penguins throwing chairs at each other and all out confusion and chaos. The President fled the chamber as fast as he could, and meanwhile outside the penguin who proposed the declaration of independence has been welcomed with a roaring applause.

“MISTER PRESIDENT!” shouted several penguins. “PRESIDENT TIMOTHY GIBSON, LONG LIVE THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND!”

“LONG LIVE THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND!”

Doubts were cast over the legitimacy of this vote. Whatever really happened does not matter, however, and the declaration of independence has passed. The Republic of Moon Island is now a free and independent state, and my friend, Jolly Timmy, whose real name Timothy Gibson I had only found out after reading it in the newspaper, has been appointed Acting President. He was, however, quick to refuse the position of permanently remaining president for too long. He refused to run to be democratically elected to the presidency, instead proposing that the former president of the Moon Island when it was a Shopper state, Dps04, become president and form a government.

Indeed, the first democratic elections took place just a few months later and Dps04 won over 58% of the vote. I was happy for his election win, and as the country started to stabilize after the declaration of independence, I decided it might be the right time to head home. Indeed, as I was preparing to go home, I was surprised by an invitation from Dps04. He invited me to become a minister in his government. I was completely confused. He also offered me citizenship. Moon Island had basically no immigration laws at the time, and he offered me citizenship with the reason that I already had Shopper residency in Moon Island before it fell. I accepted his invitation, and I packed myself and went straight back home to my beautiful Moon Island. There, I pledged allegiance to the country and I finally finished my decade-long dream of getting Moon Island citizenship. I’m so happy!

I was genuinely happy because I was gonna serve in the Moon Island Government. I moved to Dancing Penguin City from Wizzint to serve as a minister in the Moon Island Government.

I arrived in Dancing Penguin City that day and met with President Dps04.

“Mister President! Pleasure to meet you!” I said.

“Penstubal, my friend, welcome to Dancing Penguin City. How are you, how are things with you?”

“Oh great sir, thank you for asking, thank you.”

“Things have been very painful for us since Shops Island had been blown up with the Squarium bombs. It’s awful.”

“I know, I know. Horrible. The whole continent is in a state of disarray.”

“Yes, indeed. And, do you have any idea why I invited you to serve in my government?”

“Actually, sir, I do not.”

“You have a strong character. You are passionate, you are mighty. You are brave. You are not afraid to speak up your mind and you are unforgiving and you never surrender. You would be a perfect leader.”

“Leader? Me? No... I never wanted into politics anyway. I only accepted this job because I love my Homeland!”

“This is art, Penstubal. You’re participating in a great work of art.”

“That’s true.”

“Come on. Make Moon Island proud with me. Come on. Let’s make this land shine, let’s make it great again, like it was before the war.”

“Let’s go!”

An hour later, I was sworn in to the post of Secretary of State of the Republic of Moon Island. I was immediately given a whole lot of work to do. The first cabinet meeting was to take place the next day, and I quickly prepared myself for it.

“What happened to Jolly Tim- I mean,” I coughed, “Timothy Gibson, president?”

“He resigned from his position and handed me the presidency. He didn’t want to do this politics stuff. He, he got tired of it quickly. I don’t know.”

“Pity. He could have at least accepted to serve in the government, you know. He’s a powerful, charismatic person.”

“Indeed he is. He’s a patriot to the core” said Dps. “He fought hard for this nation be free and independent. And frankly, what for? Nobody’s thanking him. I’m being thanked by everybody, as if I created Moon Island with my own two flippers. I didn’t want this job.”

“You did not?”

“No. I love my country. That’s why I accepted it. Just like you said about yourself. I’m tired of politics. But my country called on me, and I have to serve my country. Refusing was not an option.”

“Interesting.”

“Are you in a party?”

“No, sir.”

“Don’t ever join one, you will regret it. I already do.” He’s the leader of the United Moon Island Party.

“Duly noted” I replied.

The first cabinet meeting I attended had everybody present at the table discussing the visit by the Magonian Emperor to the Republic of Moon Island, Slender. He’s an authoritarian despot and surprisingly his was the first country to recognize us as an independent, sovereign state. He is set to visit tomorrow and be greeted by President Dps and I in the Presidential Palace in Dancing Penguin City. I never told you about the presidential palace. It’s nothing too lavish or anything. It’s a regular presidential residence that can barely be called a palace. Anyway, President Dps wanted the presidential palace to be very modest so as it seems like the Moon Island people are above the government instead of the other way round. We are a truly democratic nation. We are heavily right wing and nationalist, but we are democratic. The ruling party, the United Moon Island Party, is a party valuating liberty and democracy, although it is a party that incorporates all sorts of political views with the goal of creating a better, more prosperous Republic. You’re probably bored as I’m saying all this, but believe me, so am I. This is all boring, which is why I never wanted to get involved in politics in the first place. After the first cabinet meeting, I already question whether I want to serve in the government anymore. I concluded it is my duty to serve, despite my personal wishes not to. I felt like I owed my beautiful country something. It gave me a home, it gave me happiness, it gave me my job and my happiness, and I felt a natural obligation to serve it. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

The next morning, the President and I were standing on the steps of the Presidential Palace as the limousine of the Emperor of Magonia was parking in front of it. The Emperor’s driver quickly got out of the car and opened the Emperor’s door, with the lavishly dressed Emperor approaching us with all his glory and majesty.

“Your Majesty”, Dps04 and I both bowed down to him. “It is a pleasure to meet you, welcome to the Republic.”

“Thank you very much. It is a pleasure to meet you, gentlemen.”

“Please come in”, I asked of the Emperor.

The Emperor, the President and I were walking through the hallways of the Palace with the Emperor constantly yawning at everything he sees in the Palace. He clearly found our Palace completely pathetic compared to his. Well, I do apologize for not being some despot like he is. I don’t understand why monarchies still exist. It’s 2027, for Kermit’s sake! Monarchies should have finished existing when Khanzem fell. All monarchies ought to be replaced with free, democratic republics. The concept of royalty is outdated and does not belong in this century.

“Your Majesty, I’d like to thank you on behalf of our Nation for being the first head of state to recognize our Republic as a free and independent state.” said my President.

“Don’t thank me” said the Emperor, “I admire your culture, your passion and your ideals.” You could clearly tell he was lying.

“We also do admire your country as well, it is a really important friend to our people.” I told him.

“Yeah right, nice joke” said the Emperor nonchalantly. An awkward silence proceeded. “Anyhow, the Magnus Empire would like to offer hundreds of millions of Club Penguin Coins worth in investment to your young Republic.”

“Hundreds of millions of Club Penguin Coins?” said I.

“Indeed” said he. “The money would go to your infrastructure, power plants, highways, bridges and further development of your country’s economy. Consider it a gift from our government, me personally especially.”

“Well, Your Majesty, we, we are humbled.” said my President.

“Don’t be. This is nothing.” said the Emperor. “Do you agree to this deal?”

“We do” said the President. “It’s a deal, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you. And, Mister Secretary, may I speak with you privately in the Garden?” The Emperor startled me with those words.

“S-sure?” I said. I was terrified.

The Emperor and I went walking down the garden.

“Listen,” said the Emperor, “I am aware you are the owner of the infamous Penstubal Post, correct?”

“That’s me...”

“Yes. Well, I would just like to say, I admire your work.”

“You ... you do?”

“Indeed. Keep up the good work. You’re exposing the truth about the corrupt criminals in today’s work. I admire how you constantly attacked President Penquino and Vice President Chill during the big Civil War. My, you were not afraid at all. The whole country hated you for that. You were really infamous for attacking the United States side.”

“Indeed”, I replied, “I was not afraid to tell the truth about those two. They are a threat to international security. I’m surprised the Squarium bomb hadn’t wiped them out” The Emperor chuckled.

“Anyway, that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. The Penstubal Post exposes the truth in a lot of things. You must continue.”

“I’m a member of the government now, I don’t think I can.”

“Sure you can”, said the Emperor, “Rile up your base and get them to rebel against the system. Moon Island needs you.”

His words actually inspired me to continue working on the Penstubal Post. Unbelievable.

“Thank you very much, Your Majesty. Your words are noted.”

The President and I later proceeded to say goodbye to the Emperor and thank him for visiting our country. It was indeed a great day in the history of our country, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he expressed admiration for the Penstubal Post and why he believes Moon Island needs me. What if he’s trying to deceive me? I don’t know. I’m confused.

Politics is a career path that sucks the life out of you.

No, really. After just a few days on the job, I was already tired of it. Public service is enormous pressure. Nobody knows what it is like to be a politician. The stereotypical image of a politician is a corrupt old man who has everything in life easy and who has a ton of money, but politicians struggle too. Every move they ever make is watched by the people, everything they ever say is criticized, they have to go through hours of boring paperwork every single day. Then again, it depends on what kind of politician you’re talking about – the corrupt ones, because who gives a crap about them, or ones like me. Yes, I just called myself a politician. I never thought I would be a politician. I’m still wondering how I got here in the first place. Let’s see – I decided to make a newspaper to spread propaganda about Chill and Penquino and suddenly ended up in the government of the Republic of Moon Island? This country feels like a joke now that I think of it. It really does.

I never wanted this job. Who was I kidding? I want to return back to my normal life. I want to return back to teaching at Wizzint University. Man, I never told you, I was such a good literature professor. I forced my students to read every single book they were ever given, the best part is I myself haven’t read most of them when I was in high school. That was fun. I want to return to my days when I could just stroll around Wizzint and go to Morty’s place without everybody noticing me because I’m some important public figure. I want to be me again. I want to reclaim myself. But now I’m starting to think it might be too late. I just got this job. It would be a huge betrayal to my people and a huge slap in the face to my dear friend Dps04 who invited me to the goverment in the first place. No, I decided, if I were going to be a politician, I must stick out. I must be different from all the other corrupt politicians around here. I decided to attempt to literally redefine the word “politician”.

I laid off dozens of staff at the State Department and I immediately decided to take a brand new approach to Moon Island’s foreign relations. I took a very liberal approach to foreign relations – resulting in several diplomatic crises actually, from Pengolia to Freezestonia and from Polaris to the Malesia.

The worst one, however, was with, obviously, Chill Island, ruled by – yes, you guessed it – Chill57181.

Sweet son of Benny, I hate that guy.

Chill randomly decided it would be great to prank one of the government ministers of a sovereign state. He mailed salt to the Government of the Republic of Moon Island nearly every single day and he threw watermelons all over his hotel room when he was on a visit to Dancing Penguin City not long ago. I’ve seriously had it, and I threatened my country would veto Chill Island’s membership in the Shops Union and that it would introduce an embargo against Chill Island because of Chill’s obnoxious behavior. Chill, however, did not back down, and if it weren’t for President Dps04’s intervention Shops Union might never have been founded. Maybe that wouldn’t have been a bad thing, actually. Dps04 shouldn’t have intervened, we should have joined the Western Union anyway along with our Amatarian and Finipino friends.

After the intervention, Dps04 warned me not to make any further threats against Chill Island without the consent of the government. I had a very heated argument with Dps04 afterwards, and it ended in me threatening to resign from office and contest Dps04 in the next elections. Yes, I was that crazy – I threatened to run for president against him even as I hate my current job. Thank Benny I never fulfilled that threat. The argument boiled over and life returned to normal, that is, for the next few days.

A few days later, once again a crisis started as I made mean comments about Magonia. Emperor Slender was furious and wanted an explanation. Dps04 then publicly issued a statement in order to mend relations with the Magonians. After he published it, he summoned me to his office.

That’s where Dps04 told me I must resign.

Dps04 told me that I am his dear, close friend and that he loves hearing my advice and that he truly finds me an intelligent, passionate penguin but that at a few times during the two weeks I’ve been minister I impulsively put national security at risk by almost starting a war with Chill Island over watermelons and deeply insulting the Magonian emperor by calling him a gonghead. After a long and intelligent talk with Dps04, I agreed to resign as Secretary of State.

I resigned at 12 pm next morning, and that’s how my two week period as a government member ended.

I decided to return to the simple life I had before joining the government. I got back my job as a professor of literature at Wizzint University and in the meantime I also decided to write poems and short stories, primarily focusing on the Republic of Moon Island. I really loved my country, I just didn’t see myself as a politician. After this failed experiment as a government minister, I am never, ever going to try out to be a politician again. It has been an unmitigated disaster. As you can see, I completely embarrassed my beloved country, and now I am only begging my people for their forgiveness. Indeed, I have been forgiven by my people thanks to my great works celebrating Moon Island. I wrote a beautiful poem celebrating the Declaration of Independence and also a poem celebrating our Founding Father Jolly Timmy. It is thanks to me that he came to be known as Jolly Timmy instead of Timothy Gibson by virtually everybody in Moon Island. I met with Jolly Timmy at my house shortly after resigning my post.

“Mister Gibson, sir, good to see you on this splendid afternoon!”

“No need to talk that way!”

“Nah, I’m just kidding. My friend, what’s going on?”

“Not much. I haven’t done a lot since refusing the presidency. I mostly just sit at home, watch TV, play golf on my estate on the Golden Coast”.

“Nice, nice, you’re a pensioner!” He laughed hard at that comment.

“Nah, I’m bored of my life, I don’t know what to do now. Everything is so boring.”

“Why don’t you hang out with Bobbie? I’m sure he has nothing much to do.”

His face completely changed upon the mention of Bobbie. He suddely stopped chuckling completely and he bowed his head down in sadness.

“You... you didn’t hear?”

“What?”

At that moment, his face completely froze. His eyes stood still, facing mine directly without any tilting whatsoever.

“Bobbie’s dead.”

“Excuse me?”

“He bravely fought in the civil war. He,” said a sobbing Timmy, “he fought our country well.”

“HE IS DEAD?”

“Yes.” He couldn’t stop sobbing.

“How did this happen? Wasn’t he too old to be drafted? Did he volunteer? What happened?”

He then said something that would enrage me and scar me for life.

“Chill and Penquino happened. The monsters sent my friend to fight for them”

I couldn’t believe it! A total war, a total war. It was necessary! It was necessary, fight for the United States, fight for them, fight for Democracy, fight for Liberty! Well, go die in Darktonia, you scum! You scum, you and your democracy! What liberty? What liberty do you have! You have nothing! You’re all corrupt morons, you are all thieves! THIEVES I TELL YOU! What have they done to my friend? They sent him out to war, they caused this, they caused this, they caused this, they caused this, they caused this! THEY CAUSED THIS! They sent HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of poor YOUNG MEN TO DIE IN A USELESS WAR! And what for! All for the benefit of the few rich and mighty old rakes, the Penguin Scum, the worst of their kind! MY FRIEND ROBERT VINCENT ANTHONY WOOD IS DEAD, IS DEAD, IS DEAD, killed by THE SO-CALLED ‘ENLIGHTENED DESPOTS’, OH WE’RE BETTER! We’re not the Empire! Guess what – I HATE YOU ALL! I hate you all, yes I hate you all! Benny’s sake, you’re all evil! You’re evil! They all just want power, THEY WANT POWER, but they will NEVER GET THEIR POWER, Oh I will prevent them, So Help Me Billybob, I will prevent them with all my power. I will prevent them. I have the power. I have it! I will get them! Those thieves, that scum must not be allowed to get away! I will show them all! My goal is NOBLE GOAL, my goal is a goal for the PEOPLE, by the PEOPLE, my goal is FOR PENGUINKIND!

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO THEM? What have I DONE TO THEM for them to HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? I have BEEN A GOOD FRIEND, I have always helped them I have made mistakes before but by BENNY I ALWAYS TRIED TO CORRECT THEM. WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO ME? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO PEOPLE. They bully everybody! Those people are an international criminal gang, Quacker is right, by Benny’s sake, Quacker is right, they’re an Elite Criminal Organization, they are like some sort of cult, They constantly say that! Don’t they say that! They call themselves Da Illuminati! Benny forbid they get power! What if Benny is on the wrong side? Benny, you’re a traitor! Don’t do this! Benny! DO NOT TAKE THAT DETOUR!

All I ever wanted was to live life peacefully. I don’t touch others. I don’t attack others! I never even approach others! When was the last time you’ve seen me with a girlfriend? With Mironica, the dumb red female, like a decade ago, I don’t approach girls, nobody can be jealous of me, I am not jealous of nobody! When was the last time you saw me drink cream soda? By Benny, ages ago, ages ago, oh my, I never drink it, I drink it on very special occasions, I’m not a drunkard! When was the last time you saw me hitting, punching a poor little boy? Never, I never do,I’M NO BULLY LIKE THE OTHERS, but I would punch the heck out of that stupid selfish idiot Chill and his dumb minions, or Penquino and his dumb minions, WHOEVER IT IS, I don’t care, by Benny I will get them! I will show you Benny I will get my revenge, I will show you all, I will get them all! You never saw me as the aggressor! I never approach anybody, I never drink, I am not a madman, I don’t hit people, I am a nice person, I am the nicest person in the world. I am the nicest person in the world! That’s my problem, I’m supposed to beat the guts out of every living thing in order to live. In order to live! I will start with these pieces of stupid crap first, I will show them, I will show them all!

THEY WILL NEVER WIN!

Chapter Six
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

JKlSVNxLB-A

 JULY 27, 2027 – THE PENSTUBAL POST



HORRIBLE CRIMES UNVEILED: PENQUINO AND CHILL57181 MURDERED ONE OF THE GREATEST MOON ISLAND RESIDENTS EVER ALIVE

DANCING PENGUIN CITY – Top level Republican officials have confirmed it is indeed true – Penquino and Chill57181 are the murderers of one of the greatest Moon Island penguins ever alive.

The name of the penguin is Robert Vincent Anthony Wood, also known as Bobbie, a penguin from Club Penguin Island, a childhood friend of mine who moved to the great city of Wizzint, my beloved Wizzint, that I love so much today. Oh I’m crying as I write of this!

Bobbie Wood is one of the greatest patriots Moon Island patriots ever seen. He fought bravely in the Shops Civil War on the democratic side and he always cherished Moon Island. He was forced into the war by the horrible melonheads Penquino and Chill, who only seek to make profit of other people’s misfortunes.

Bobbie Wood died fighting on the democratic side. He has been sent directly into the jaws of war by Penquino and Chill, who laughed as he was being sent to die in Frosia. They laughed! Those narcissists. The penguins of Antarctica must rise up against the two. They control everything, they send innocent penguins to die, they killed Bobbie Wood! We must avenge Bobbie Wood! Bobbie Wood will get his revenge, we need an international insurrection in the name of Bobbie Wood. Rise up, Scrubs all around the world! Bobbie Wood is our martyr. Celebrate the life of Bobbie Wood! BOBBIE WOOD’S OUR HERO!

Penstubal 

Massive demonstrations with thousands of penguins happened in the city centers of Dancing Penguin City, Moon Island City and especially Wizzint. Wizzint was filled to the brim with protesters because it had the most Penstubal supporters in the world. Major riots occurred in Wizzint, actually, as a result of the article by the Penstubal Post. The people were outraged, I’m telling you, the people were outraged by the death of Bobbie Wood. “AVENGE BOBBIE WOOD”, “LONG LIVE BOBBIE WOOD” and “I AM BOBBIE WOOD” signs were everywhere across the whole city. I was thrilled to see the reaction to the Penstubal Post’s issue that day. I was so happy. I have succeeded in mobilizing an army against the tyrants Penquino and Chill. They will never win. They will lose this battle, you will see. You will see!

Still, despite the huge mobilization of forces across the country, I felt alone. I had nobody around me anymore. With me out of the government, with Jolly Timmy tired of all social interactions and with Bobbie Wood dead, I had no more friends. I had nobody to hang out with. I was alone, and Penquino and Chill were both in a big group together. They always hanged out with others, they always had everybody on their side - like Ed, the Neo-Naughtzee guy who controls the famed Meme Machine on Chill Island – and countless other people. Yes, he’s a Neo-Naughtzee alright, and I’m pretty sure of that. Chill and Penquino have Neo-Naughtzee friends, thank you, that’s another good story I could run in the times.

I have no friends. And that hurts me. I’ve done nothing to alienate anybody else – I’ve always been open to everybody, I always welcomed anybody, compared to others I have few tantrums – well, that last one might be wrong, but still, I’m a saint compared to others. Yet still, everybody else gets friends. Maybe I was right – you do need to punch every living thing on this planet in order to be able to live. This is not life. What I have right now, that’s not life.

Man, I’m lonely. At this point, I became so crazy that I actually thought, maybe I should return to politics. Perhaps I could become the president? That would be good. I would be the boss around here. Hehe. Yeah. I could be the boss. I could teach Penquino and Chill a lesson, and nobody could stop me. Oh, yes.

I think I made up my mind by now.

It is official, my friends.

I have officially decided I am running to be mayor of Wizzint!

“You’ve heard the news?”

“I have,” said the aqua penguin, “Worrying.”

“Indeed”

“We can not let him win. That man is destructive. He is going to expose us for who we really are.”

“We have to censor him”

“He must be put in his place and where he belongs.”

“There’s not much time left. We have to act swiftly, without any delay whatsoever. Where’s Ed?”

“As the espionage specialist in our group he is investigating Penstubal’s activity and seeking information on his campaign, his whereabouts, his motives, his agenda and his friends and allies. He’s going to disguise himself and infiltrate the Penstubal campaign from within.”

“Excellent, excellent, I like what you’re telling me, lieutenant”

“Thank you, Master. It is an honor to be your servant”

“I’m sure it is” said the devious penguin.

I don’t want to keep you in suspense. It’s quite obvious who those two are. The scumbags, those two melonheads, Chill and Penquino. Chill is his master. Oh, how I’ve known, how I’ve known. I warned you all. Chill is the master. What you’ve just seen, reader, is a meeting of Da Illuminati cult which seeks to destroy all opposition to their agenda of world domination. They are sneaky and they are very clever, may I say. They are no idiots, they are very smart.

Their pack of wolves is responsible for all evils on this continent today. They control international relations behind the scenes. You think Swiss Ninja matters? You think Dps matters, you think Patrick Smith matters, Esser? Oh, no, no, no they don’t, they don’t matter, at all. They are all blocked in ther doings by Da Illuminati. They control everything behind the scenes. They are a gang of criminal masterminds, they might be stronger than the Bureau of Fiction. Director Benny fears them, oh, he fears them. Chill threatens Benny’s power.

Something about Da Illuminati – those people know each other for many years, ad for many long years they have been drawing up plans how they could achieve total world conquest and the annihilation of all good in this world. They are selfish and they crave for power, they crave for happiness at the expense of others. Chill is their leader, and everybody else around him are his mindless goons, minions who are forced to obey everything he ever says. Why do they obey him? Why do they not rebel? It’s simple. Chill tells them they are powerful. Chill tells them they matter. Chill tells them they have land, they have happiness, joy, they have food, drinks, homes, they have everything they ever need. Why should they rebel if they have all that? And Chill tells them they have power. He tells them they are his friends, that his survival depends on them, when in reality it does and they are disposable and Chill is going to get rid of them as soon as he achieves total world conquest becuse he will no longer need his spineless minions.

I pity Penquino. I really do. He’s a mindless servant of Chill’s. He isn’t aware he is being duped and that everything he ever does is because Chill told him to do it. I pity him for being so hopelessly dumb. Perhaps it is my job to rescue him? To bring him out of the darkness of the night and back into the light of the day.

That is my job. That is the sole reason I am running for mayor of Wizzint, the sole reason I am in politics again – to contain the internationalist Chillist frog-sniffing agenda. And the Penstubal Post is alloted to me as my propaganda to do just that. I am the savior of penguinkind, and I am here to restore peace, freedom and happiness to the ordinary penguins of Antarctica, the penguins since the days of yore demeaned and humiliated as Scrubs.

Moon Island is our base. Moon Island is our Home. My aim is to make Moon Island the international capital of the Scrubs, the people for so long oppressed and rejected by the established Elite, the despicable Chillists with their slavery agenda, and my aim is to have Moon Island as the last refuge to every peace and freedom-loving anti-Chill penguin on this planet in case the whole world falls to this criminal syndicate.

I have begun my mission. The first stop in this war in defence of all that we love against the Chillist aggression – the city of Wizzint. The city we will proudly organize in.

 MARCH 1, 2030 – THE PENSTUBAL POST

YOUR SAVIOR AGAINST THE INTERNATIONAL CHILLIST AGENDA, DOCTOR JOHN PATRICK PENSTUBAL, IS RUNNING TO BE YOUR MAYOR OF WIZZINT



WIZZINT – One of the greatest penguins to ever live because of his bravery, his perseverance and his compassion for the disgruntled common folk is running for Mayor of Wizzint in a huge blow to the establishment. Penstubal founded the Pan-Antarctic Republican New-Alignment Society (PARNAS) left-wing political organization, and the campaign to get elected mayor is the first of many steps in the goal of ultimately tearing down the international Chillist agenda.

“I will be your leader. I will be your liberator. I will be your hope and your savior for the future!” said the charismatic leader to a crowd of a thousand penguins in central Wizzint. “We will bring down Da Illuminati and we will end slavery in Antarctica forever!” he said to a roaring applause.

Penstubal was one of the most successful politicians in the history of Antarctica during the short period he was the Secretary of State of our beloved Republic. He had a perfectly successful record, never broke any of his promises and he is one of the greatest patriots ever seen in this country. Furthermore, he is one of the staunch proponents of Bobbie’s Law, a law that would permanently forbid any Da Illuminati-affiliated penguins from setting foot in the Republic.

Penstubal explains the name of his organization: “Our organization is pan-Antarctic because the anti-Chillist mission is pan-Antarctic, obviously. Our party holds to the core key republican principles and supports a re-alignment of international politics in the course of complete and total republicanism.”

Sources tell the Penstubal Post that Chill and his minions are FURIOUS right now! That is because they are completely insane! What will they do next? They will kill us all, that’s what! Mobilize yourselves, take your guns and get out to vote if you want to save Antarctica from an impending Doom.

Timothy Gibson 

Yes, that must be a shocker – Timothy Gibson aka Jolly Timmy, founding father of our Republic, endorsed me straight away. He became one of the most fanatic supporters of the anti-Chillist movement I’ve ever seen. Yup, we’re truly seeing a new alignment. This is a new way of thinking. I could potentially be the hope and joy of millions of penguins across the world. That prospect must be making Chill and his fools completely scared!

I have spent the most out of any candidate in the history of Moon Island on this campaign. Nobody ever spent this much money for such a small position as mayor of Wizzint. This proved to my fellow Wizzinters I would be very, very dedicated to my job.

Anyway, I assembled all the most famous anti-Chillists in the whole country to serve on my campaign staff. I even colluded with foreign leaders to get myself to win. Surprisingly, it’s not against the law here. I colluded with President Brant Esser, who said he proudly supports the anti-Chillist agenda and even instructed his country’s Department of Homeland Security to keep an eye out of any suspicious activity by Da Illuminati. Another leader who announced his support for me and donated huge swaths of money was Emperor Slender, who, despite major ideological differences, for some reason saw something he likes in me. He’s not really enthusiastic about the anti-Chillist agenda, he’s not a real supporter to begin with, but he seems to see something in me. Who knows what.

“I’m really satisfied with how the movement is going, Quack” I told to my friend.

“It’s doing really good, which means it’s really good. If it weren’t doing really good, it wouldn’t be really good. It is, however, really good.”

“Roger that” I happily replied.

Indeed, we were winning and we were winning. Uncontrollable winning. Penguins were rallying behind our cause like crazy, they’re all over the city. They’re all over the place. It’s true. Trust me. So many penguins joined our cause, among them are my friends Quackerpingu and Jolly Timmy. Also joining us, however, are Dennis and Sophie Wood, the parents of late Bobbie Wood. They have become really staunch supporters of my cause thanks to what the jerkfaces Chill and Penquino have done.

Dennis is a tall red penguin, very handsome – clearly an ideal man. He’s the ideal stoic man. And his woman, Sophie, is a short and cute yellow penguin. They’re considered the ideal couple, but I consider them the stereotypical couple I absolutely detest. Out of respect for late Bobbie, however, I will no more speak of them.

“They took Little B away and they are going to pay!” shouted an angry mama.

“There, there, honey” said with a tender, comforting voice the man.

They’re boring.

“It is over for the international criminal syndicate” said I, “The penguins have risen up and there’s no stopping their revolution. The establishment fears for their power, they know very well what happens when the masses rise up. Severed heads, chopped beaks, flippers gone. Oh, I enjoy the thought of that. A revolution of the masses. A bloody culmination of the decades long fight for liberation.”

“They have humiliated the new Republic” said Jolly Timmy, “They have humiliated us over and over. They laughed at us. We will no longer be their laughing stock. The Republic of Moon Island is the international shelter for the Scrub penguins. No longer will the word Scrub be used to denigrate and demean them. We take pride in the label. We are the Scrubs, my friends. We are Scrubs!”

“WE ARE THE SCRUBS!” shouted the whole crew.

“I would like to say something” said an unusually quiet black penguin at the back.

“Go on, fellow Scrub” said I.

“My name be Drawde Naf” said this mysterious penguin. “I be Pennese by origins and...”

“''joSisi! enśonońi dk atjoKatjaztrastaz dhontalistaz?''” (Unbelievable! You have come all the way here to Moon Island for this convention?)

“... ej” (... Yes)

“Atjoś-“ (Welc-)

“If I may to continue in English please, thanks be, thanks be.”

“E-“ (But-)

“I be Pennese by origins and I come here in the admirations of your mission. I myself be bullied by Chill and Penquino, the evil jerks, oh, I to need your sympathy!”

“Oh my goodness! They bully just about everyone! Oh my, how do you know them!”

“I really don’t the know them, oh, we sees each other, they attacks, they bullies, they mean.” said the penguin.

“Terrible!”

“This is an outrage!”

“Horrible!”

“I need to hears your uh, experiences. I do needs the help. Please, I want to hears you, I want to joins you, I want to bes you.”

“Come join us, come join us, sit down over here in the front!”

The strange penguin moved to the front of the area to come join us, share his experiences and hear our own.

The strange penguin was shocked by what he heard. We spent hours talking about all experiences we’ve had with Chill and Penquino and their minions.

“What do plan?”

“What?”

“What is be yours plan?”

“Yes, it’s actually very detailed.” I brought out a map of the whole city of Wizzint. “You see, Chill, Penquino and his goons are stationed in this city. They are in this eastern area of the city, so halfway across the place.”

“I sees.”

“And, we will raid them. We will raid them during the night, and we will take all the secret files of their organization and leave them completely confused as to what happened.”

“We’re committing a crime? I was not aware of that part.” said Jolly Timmy.

“We talked about it in detail” I told Timmy, “And they are committing a crime too. What do you think they are committing? They are not just catching butterflies, that’s for certain. They are committing a crime. And the only way to defeat them is to play fire and fire.”

“I likes this” said the black penguin.

We spent several more hours sharing all the biggest secrets of our club with this black penguin. He’s really good. He’s really smart too. He has poor knowledge of English, but he’s really good and smart. I trust him very much. And he’s going to greatly benefit our mission. He already came up with ideas of his own. Chill and Penquino are going to be so angry when they find all their belongings gone!

“I have given you all the information you might need, I have given you everything you might need! There’s a whole sack of information here and some recordings inside as well, this is amazing, they are such idiots!”

“Oh my, thank you Kermit, thank you Kermit! This is amazing, these people are such morons!”

“Totally! I couldn’t believe it, they fell for it! They really fell for it! They all know me! I was not even disguised really, it was so obvious and they fell for it!”

“Drawde Naf! Ha-ha-ha!”

“I know right? Penstubal’s such an idiot, seriously! He’s such an idiot, he knows Pennese, he has a Pennese name, he knows everything about Penland and he is from Penland, and he doesn’t realize that’s literally a made up name?”

“Edward Fan, backwards. My god, they are such tools!”

“Amen to that, amen to that! Cheers brother, we have all the evidence we need, now it’s time to show it to the public. Seriously, look at this. This is all the evidence we need, everything they said, they were working on committing a crime and we have it all on tape!”

“You don’t need to say that again, Ed.”

“Right” he replied, “I’m shaking.”

He took a deep breath and drank cream soda along with his buddies.

“I’m telling you, I’ve never committed a more stupid and silly infiltration in my life. Like, this was absolutely ridiculous. Completely stupid. Now thanks to their stupidity, we have all their secret information AND tapes of them planning a crime that we can show to the public. They can see that Penstubal cannot be trusted, that he’s insane, that he’s willing to commit crimes. Oh, I’m telling you, this is going to be good. And they thought they could win. You won’t believe everything they said about us, they have a whole folder with several dozen pages detailing why we might be lizards in disguise!”

“This is hilarious. Great job, Ed. You’ve made me proud!”

“My pleasure to be working for you, my Melonhead!”

“I have decided to promote you to Colonel. You will now be known as Colonel Ed. You have made your team proud.”

“Thank you, thank you sir. I am honored!” said a sobbing Ed.

“Now let’s get down to business. Oh, the public will be outraged by this story soo much.”

 MARCH 14, 2030 – THE FROGGY TIMES

TOTAL SCANDAL: SECRET TAPES OF THE FIRST SECRET MEETING OF PENSTUBAL’S ANARCHIST REBELLION REVEALED, PENSTUBAL ABSOLUTELY HUMILIATED JUST THREE DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION



WIZZINT – Secret tapes showcasing the inner workings of Penstubal’s rebellion have been revealed to the public. The tapes are said to be completely scandalous and to have completely destroyed Penstubal’s campaign for mayor of Wizzint.

Penstubal is shown insulting Saint Kermit, the great Savior of the Club Penguin Weekee, over and over again without any shame whatsoever. He calls Chill the ring leader of a cult of frog-licking Neo-Naughtzees and the tape shows him reading out loud over 30 pages of documents on whether Penquino has an unhealthy obsession with eggnog which caused him to blindly serve Chill and do everything he says must be done.

The tapes and all the secrets revealed about Penstubal and his rebels have caused widespread outrage across the globe, especially in Wizzint, where people have agreed that Penstubal is an evil populist demagogue who seeks nothing less than power for himself and himself only. Penstubal has been denounecd most of all for promoting such hate against our beloved Saint Kermit (pictured on the right), who not only saved the wiki multiple times but helped rescue Penstubal’s butt in many situations simply by existing.

The penguins of Moon Island are demanding answers from Penstubal and they demand them now. The release of these tapes have put Penstubal’s mayoral campaign in jeopardy and the race for mayor of Wizzint is now thrown into complete uncertainty, with Penstubal’s opponent, a rational person who finds Penstubal to be completely insane, gaining a ten point lead over Penstubal in the polls.

Chuck Ill 

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

I was fooled! I was completely fooled, dang it, seriously! How dare they! How dare those morons, those, those... GAH! I swear I will shoot myself after this. I cannot take this. This is a step too far. They infiltrated us. They infiltrated us! This barely even qualifies as infiltration, they just came in and they took our stuff! THEY TOOK OUR STUFF! I should never have trusted that person, what was I thinking! How could I possibly have trusted them after hearing their name, ‘Drawde Naf’, my gosh, I was such an idiot! Nobody normal would have felt for such a trick! Nobody! Everybody is smarter than me! Everybody! That little crapface Ed fooled me, he fooled me completely! My life is in shambles! I am ruined! All my plans and my secrets have been revealed in the documents and tapes published in the Froggy Times. There’s no hope. And just three days before the election, how could they do this! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS! I am going to lose so badly, I swear, it will be a landslide defeat. I will win 5 votes, my opponent will win the whole city, this is not good, not good, not good!

At that point, my campaign team was completely lost and confused. We had absolutely no idea what to do. We didn’t come up with a statement for almost the whole day, but we eventually realized we must say something. We were supposed to have a press conference that night to address reporters regarding our campaign, but we cancelled the press conference and refused to address the reporters at all whatsoever. Instead, we released this:

 STATEMENT FROM THE PENSTUBAL FOR WIZZINT CAMPAIGN 2030

Penstubal apologizes to the hard-working penguins of Wizzint for the release of the tapes and documents in the Froggy Times this morning. Penstubal never pretended to be somebody he is not, and he is fully aware he is a person who is prone to making mistakes.

Who is not prone to making mistakes? Is it Chill, Penquino and his goons perhaps? I don’t think so. Everybody is prone to making mistakes, and what we can do is to prevent those mistakes from ever happening again.

We will make sure a colossal mistake like this never happens again. What’s important, however, to know, is that Penstubal has always sided with the hard-working penguins of Moon Island in their quest for total and complete transparency. Penstubal accepts the release of the tapes and the documents and he is willing to open up all future meetings of PARNAS to the public, and he is willing to address reporters after the election.

Penstubal is the only hope that is left to stop the radical Chillist agenda from taking power. Penstubal is one of the most freedom-loving penguins known to penguinkind, and if the penguins of Wizzint vote to elect him mayor on March 17, Penstubal will serve you and only you and nobody else and would fight to protect your cherished liberties.

The Staff of the Penstubal for Wizzint Campaign 2030 

The outrage as a result of the release of the tapes and documents lasted throughout the whole day, and continued after the release of the statement. However, already on the second day, things started to calm down as people found my statement to be genuinely reasonable, and many have been quick to forgive me. Will this translate into votes, however? I used to have a lead in the polls without any single break up until the Froggy Times issue was released that day – now my opponent and I are neck and neck in this battle for Wizzint.

I am the last hope for this city.

With only 29% of the vote counted, mostly from the suburbs, my opponent is in the lead with 55% of the vote to my 45%. We were doing better than expected. I really did not expect to do so well early on – people said by the time 30% is counted my opponent would have like 60% of the vote because the suburban population is so supportive of him, but no, it’s 55%, which is a big deal. So many numbers, I hate that. I am not a mathematician.

At 50% it was still around 55%. It didn’t move much. We really were doing better than expected, I guess, considering the release of all that stuff a few days ago. The wealthier people live in the suburbs, and they are voting overwhelmingly for my opponent because they don’t want to be held accountable by me, of course. And the poor people, the ones exploited for so long and denigrated as scrubs, are voting for me like mad. Around 60% was when the inner city voted started coming in, and by 70% I was in the lead with 52% of the vote.

My opponent and I are now truly neck and neck.

“Pretty good stuff coming in, yes?” asked me Jolly Timmy.

“Indeed” I replied, “but if it weren’t for those goons, we’d be winning big, big, big.”

“That’s fine” said Timmy, “it doesn’t matter by how much we win as long as we actually win.”

“Not true. They can call for a recount if it’s too close, you know the law here.”

“They can only call for a recount if you get 50.9% of the vote or less. Otherwise, no. All we need to do is hope we get at elast 51% then, and we’d be safe from being contested. But that won’t happen, it seems that the race is going pretty much in your favor.”

“Yeaah I wouldn’t say so, look at the screen.”

I pointed to the screen – all the numbers just suddenly updated. At 81% of the vote counted, my opponent is in the lead with only 50.2% and I am behind him with 49.7%.

“How is this POSSIBLE???” shrieked Jolly Timmy. “Seriously, you JUST had the lead, and all the inner city votes are coming in, and suddenly he’s in the lead again? SERIOUSLY?”

“Calm down Timmy-“

“IS THIS REALLY DEMOCRACY? Do you call this democracy? I swear to Benny, this is not democracy!”

“This is perfectly fine. We just have to hope, okay?”

I managed to calm him down after a bit, and the presenters continued showing results.

“At 11 pm Asiapelago Time, we can say that the race is still too close to call. With 90% of the vote counted, Penstubal is in the lead once more with 50.5% of the vote to 49.4% for his opponent.”

That was what the reporters said on the television about the results. My friends immediately started doing the math and looking into what would be necessary for my opponent to win.

“Any update on the mathematics?” I asked.

“Well, yes. I’ve just calculated how many votes your opponent needs and all, and um. I wouldn’t like to start too early or anything or jynx anything, but looks like you’re on a track to win.”

“Seriously? That’s amazing!”

“Yes, but like I said, it’s STILL too early to call. The vote is so close. You can get anywhere from 49.8% of the vote to 51.1% of the vote according to my calculations, meaning it’s more likely than not that you would win.” said Jolly Timmy.

“You might be the winner by ninety quack five percent in” said Quacker.

My entire family was gathered here to watch the election returns, and my whole campaign staff was gathered and was cheering enthusiastically every time my vote share increased. Finally, the big announcement came.

“Ladies and gentlemen, at 11:57 PM Asiapelago time, just before midnight, we can officially declare Penstubal the winner of the 2030 mayoral race in Wizzint, beating his opponent by a very small margin.”

“WE HAVE WON, WE HAVE WON!” I shouted.

“BRING OUT THE SODAAA!”

We opened all the cream soda bottles in the whole room and celebrated our victory. We have won! We have done it! We have defeated the establishment! A huge shocker to Chill and Penquino, they did NOT see this coming! They thought we would lose because of what they published several days ago, but the proud penguins of Wizzint aren’t fools! They aren’t unintelligent fools, oh they have made such a mistake by thinking they are! VICTORY!

Of course, we were very, very concerned by the margin. We were hoping the vote would finish above 50.9%, but it appears that is unlikely and that we will likely have won with 50.8% of the vote, just a bit behind our required 51% to avoid a potential recount. The turnout also didn’t really go into our favour – it was only 62%, compared to the 69% previous election. Many people stayed home because they couldn’t decide whom to vote for.

It was my opponent’s turn to speak first. He didn’t call me to concede or anything, he just walked up to the podium. Then, what shocked me – Chill, Penquino and Ed were there, standing right behind him, very, very upset.

“What we have seen tonight is one of the greatest shams in the history of our Republic’s democracy” said my angry opponent whose name nobody ever mentions, Leonard Lee. “This will go down in history as one of the greatest travesties in the history of democracy. We must be ashamed of ourselves for allowing this to happen!”

The crowd cheered on and the three jerkfaces behind him were all sobbing. Oh, poor guys, must feel really bad to lose your power and privilege!

“We will contest this result, and we will contest this hard. We will take this to the Supreme Court if we must. We demand a recount. The vote was incredibly close and it is important that the we determine the authenticity of the ballot today. I have nothing else to say. This is all we have. We will fight on. We will fight for a better Wizzint. Long live the city of Wizzint and long live the Republic of Moon Island!”

The music then played as if they were the ones celebrating a victory. The whole crowd went home, bitter and disappointed after such a loss. At 99% in, I was in the lead at 50.8%, although the percentage constantly kept changing back and forth between 50.8% and 50.9%. If somebody gets below 51% of the vote, there can be a recount, but the difference between 50.9% and 49.1% isn’t that small at all, meaning a recount probably won’t change anything other than my margin of victory.

It was safe to proclaim ourselves winners. We have done what nobody has ever done before in history – we stood up to the monstruous Chillist agenda and we won, and it is now to put our anti-Chillist agenda into action.

This is only the beginning.

Chapter Seven
"Victory belongs to the most persevering."

- Napoleon

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“Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow Wizzinters and my beloved Moon Islanders: Thank you!”

The crowd welcomed the beginning of my victory speech with a roaring applause. Behind me on the stage were Quacker, Slender, Jolly Timmy, Bobbie Wood’s parents, my own parents and my relatives.

“It is my high honor and distinct privilege to be chosen to serve you as your Mayor of Wizzint. I cannot thank you enough for giving me this opportunity to show myself and to prove myself as a capable and exceptional leader. So once again, thank you!”

At that point, the entire crowd started chanting my name. “PEN-STU-BAL! PEN-STU-BAL!”

“Our country is in dark times. The economy is in chaos and politics has become an incredibly nasty business. But I promise to you, I pledge to the people of Wizzint, I will serve you good and I will make Wizzint great as it once was. Wizzint is my home, Wizzint is my passion, and there’s no place I love more in the world than my beautiful city of Wizzint. I love you all, and I thank you for giving me this chance to serve you. Once again, it is my high honor and distinct privilege to be standing victorious here today. Long live Wizzint and long live the great Republic of Moon Island!”

The masses cheered without any breaks. Immediately, music began to play – everybody in the whole room started singing “We Are the Champions”. It was absolutely crazy.

I don’t know if you noticed, but I did not mention my opponent. I was going to, but his crybaby speech made me retract that part of the speech where I congratulated him on his very hard-fought campaign. Still, I feel sad now that I did it because I know that guy is just being manipulated by the cons Chill and Penquino.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it. I have won, however. And you bet your little hiney I am happy!

“’’’BREAKING NEWS: IN A STUNNING DECISION, THE SUPREME COURT REJECTS THE LEE CAMPAIGN’S REQUEST FOR A RECOUNT OF THE MAYORAL ELECTION VOTE’’’”

I can’t describe to you how amazing the feeling was to hear that news! Oh, the joy, the joy! I can’t believe it! Not only did they not win the election, they couldn’t even get the recount they wanted so badly despite me getting less than 51% of the vote! My victory has just been certified. We won. We won! I mean, we already realized that days ago, but now it is truly official and there’s no going back, there’s no recounts, no anything. I can’t describe to you how ecstatic I feel. I’m so joyful. I have become Mayor of Wizzint, and I am going to be sworn in at noon today. There’s nothing Chill and Penquino can do. It’s done. I have been elected mayor of Wizzint.

“I do solemnly swear that I will perform with fidelity the duties of the office to which I have been elected, and which I am about to assume. I do solemnly swear to support the Constitution of the Republic of Moon Island and to faithfully perform the duties of the office of Mayor of the City of Wizzint.”

“Congratulations, Mister Mayor!”

A roaring applause swept the main hall of the mayoral residence. An amazing day indeed. I have officially assumed the duties of Mayor of Wizzint, and have moved to the mayoral residence. Because Quackerpingu lives in Q City and not in Wizzint, he has not become part of my government, but Jolly Timmy, who lives here, obviously has. He accepted a position in my mayoral government, but he informed me that in case I ever decide to run for the presidency that he would not be joining my government. And I told him I respect his wishes.

You may think, if you didn’t think that about the story already, that the boring politics part is about to start. Actually, no, it isn’t. I hate politics. And I have been very clear about that during my tenure as mayor. I have delegated most powers to my government and I have served mostly a ceremonial role – what I have used my position for was my war against Da Illuminati and their global conquest agenda. I have also taken the initiative regarding environmental and social issues.

I resigned from PARNAS and became an Independent. I decided it would be best to serve as a mayor without being party of any political party in order to appear non-partisan. PARNAS collapsed a few weeks later anyway, and fragmented into three different parties – one of them became the centrist Liberal Democratic Party, which gradually, just like me, started shifting right wing.

The early 2030s is when I started becoming increasingly disgruntled with the left wing ideology, and my views began to change drastically. Some people felt betrayed as my views started to change, others welcomed my change of views. I, however, did not care and found myself giving up on my youthful idealism and instead becoming a pragmatic adult penguin being.

I have done very little regarding policy during those years as mayor. I have spoken a lot. I addressed my penguins nearly every day, and I talked about key issues of the week. I held regular town halls and even regularly visited penguins’ homes to see how they are doing. That really increased my approval ratings. Anyway, so I’ve been outspoken throughout my mayoral tenure, and so it seemed like I was actually doing stuff, when in reality I was doing nothing. I wanted to kill myself because of all the boredom. Unfortunately, I prefer the boredom to what I ended up getting later on.

In order to get revenge at me for losing the election, Chill and his minions decided to troll me nearly every single week. It was non-stop trolling. In 2031, they vandalized my private home with watermelons. The incident really hurt my approval ratings. Even worse was when Ed vandalized my house with Neo-Naughtzee symbols and accused me of being a Neo-Naughtzee just shortly after I accused him of being one. This really, REALLY damaged my approval ratings because many actually believed I was a Neo-Naughtzee because Ed pranked me in retaliation for my accusations against him that he is one. Seriously, why would one be so mad about being called a Neo-Naughtzee?

The worst one was, however, when I was running for my re-election and Ed decided to run himself.

Yup, he decided to run for the mayoral elections.

Ed ran as a ‘joke candidate’, so to say. He didn’t really care about winning, he just wanted to get me salty. He asked everybody to support him in order to prank Penstubal. And yes, of course it worked. He started leading in the polls, but I never believed he could actually win. I realized that when the time would come to actually go out to the polls and vote, that everybody would vote for me.

I WAS WRONG.

HE WON IN A LANDSLIDE. HE WON 88% OF THE VOTE. HOW DID IT HAPPEN, I DON’T KNOW, BUT IT HAPPENED.

I SWEAR, THOSE PEOPLE WILL JUST DO ANYTHING TO ANGER ME, WOULD THEY? I was a perfectly fine mayor, and they suddenly decided to send in Ed and ruin everything for me! THEY DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS CITY, WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS? WHY IS HE RUNNING FOR MAYOR? THEY COULD HAVE SENT LEONARD LEE AGAIN, I DON’T MIND HIM, HE ISN’T RUNNING AS A JOKE!

To my relief, Ed resigned after two days on the job and he gave me the position. We actually met for the first time ever then, and he told me it was all a prank. He tapped on the shoulder as if he was some high school buddy of mine or something. It was really, really weird.

Anyway, I became mayor once again. Many people called this unfair, but a poll that took place later indicated nearly 55% would have voted to re-elect me anyway, meaning I basically have a mandate. It’s not like I just popped out of nowhere and became mayor, I have the mandate of the people.

Fine, I actually don’t, but facts don’t matter to me. Deal with it.

I took the oath of office once more. My first term is complete, it’s now time to begin with my second.

“So, Penstubal, I don’t know if you’ve heard the news or not, but Dps04 said he is not running for a third term.”

“Yes, I’ve heard. This opens up the 2036 race to many people.”

“Indeed” said Jolly Timmy, “and, you’ve been brought up as a potential contestant for the presidency. Have you given that a thought?”

“Yes, yes I have” I told Timmy, “I have given it a thought. But, I’m not quite sure yet. I need some time to prepare. It’s too early, I only just got a second term as mayor.”

“Of course” replied Timmy. “You have all the time in the world.”

He then left the room and I was left alone, lying on my bed and watching the television.

I became one of the most popular mayors in the history of Wizzint thanks to being outspoken about many key issues facing our city, as well as our country to an extent. I have come to be recognized as a true revolutionary hero by so many penguins due to my persistent struggle against Chill and his goons.

The time has come to move on. To expand our battle. We liberated Wizzint successfully from Chill and his tireless minions. Now it is time to liberate the country.

I have made my decision. I am running for President of the Republic of Moon Island in 2036.



APRIL 4, 2036 – THE PENSTUBAL POST

IT IS OFFICIAL: PENSTUBAL IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF MOON ISLAND

WIZZINT – Penstubal has officially launched his campaign for the highest office in the nation, the Presidency! Penstubal says that his bid for the presidency is the second step in the liberation of the entire continent from the monstruous, cannibalistic Chillist agenda!

“We will win, and we will win, and we will win, believe me, like you’ve never seen this before, m’kay?” told Penstubal to a cheering audience chanting his beautiful name, Penstubal (what a delightful name!)

If elected, Penstubal would be the greatest president this country has seen and ever will see. Penstubal would be a strong world leader with very clear intentions. He wants to bring down the global Chillist agenda and restore peace and prosperity to Antarctica and its citizens.

Let’s make Moon Island great again. Vote for Penstubal come May 27, your Nominee for the Liberal Democratic Party of the Republic of Moon Island!

Penstubal 

I have officially joined the Liberal Democratic Party, the successors of the Pan-Antarctic Republican New Alignment Society. I decided to normalize my relations with the world. My popularity almost entirely broke down completely thanks to my fiery anti-Chillist frog-sniffing agenda. Of course, everybody knew I still was against that stupid crap, but I just toned it down a little to seem normal, because you have to do that every once in a while when you’re a crazy guy like me.

I have held rallies all across the country, have visited every single region, have talked to every regional governor, have talked to major city mayors, talked to President Dps04, talk to generals. I’ve talked to the engineer, the farmer, the worker, the miner, the painter, the writer, the musician and I have talked to the whole country.

I have discovered Moon Island.

I have discovered all the people that made Moon Island great, that made Moon Island the proud nation that I know and love so much. I discovered my folk. Traveling all over the island, I discovered this is what I want when I get older. I want to retire somewhere in the country side, get myself some country house, have a simple life as an old man. No more politics and all that. Seriously. I am tired, I am exhausted. I have lost all my youthful energy. I am no longer who I was just a few short years ago...

I met with the whole country, I doubt there’s anybody who I didn’t meet. I met students, the future hope of our country, the men and women who will inherit this great beautiful land and all its wonders. I met the homeless people, the hobos, I made a hobo friend. I made friends with foreign leaders before I was even elected, and my good pal Slender gave me five million Club Penguin coins to use for the campaign for the presidency. I’ve done a great job uniting Antarctica in support for me and in opposition to Chill and his minions. For the first time, they could really see their power shatter right before their eyes.

And indeed, it did, because late at night, around 4 am, the results came in and I won the election. I am not the President-elect of the Republic of Moon Island, victorious, defeating my opponent. There was a recount, of course. What did you expect? Everybody asks for a recount whenever I win, no matter how I win. Truly, I did win this one barely. But the recount happened and I gained an additional 53 votes.

I felt like a champion. Like I accomplished something in my life. I felt loved, I felt popular, I felt famous. Like I truly made a change. And that’s been my dream since the days of my youth – to make a positive change to this world. I believe I’ve done more than that. I’ve seriously made this world a much, much better place.

“You are going to be the best president in the history of this country, Pen” said Jolly Timmy, “And I’m proud of you, my old friend.”

“Thank you so much Timmy. It means a lot to me.”

Congratulatory calls came in from all over the world, from places I’d never have expected. From Culldrome to Pengolia and from Calada even to Chill Island, I received congratulatory calls. I was serious about the last one. Chill called to congratulate me. We actually met shortly after the election, and it was a nice chat I had with him. We didn’t solve any issues, he never stopped trolling me and I never stopped accusing him of running a global conquest agenda, but we still had a nice little chat. We actually have nice little chats every few years, but that’s just every few years and it doesn’t mean anything. Our rivalry didn’t come out of the blue, it’s a very deep rivalry that would take decades to destroy.

Chill welcomed me as an equal that day. I had finally become equal to him. He’s always been in more powerful positions than me. He’s always been more popular than me and he always held most power worldwide. But I’ve become an equal.

I’m on top of the world.

I have assumed office as President of the Republic of Moon Island. I am now in a historic role and have incredible powers to shape this Island as I will. I’m a really powerful person, and in my inauguration speech, I swore to never break any promise I have made. I swore to do exactly what I promised to do. I swore I would destroy Da Illuminati, I swore I would end the international subjugation of the Scrubs. I have come to Dancing Penguin City, the proud capital of the Republic, not for a vacation but to tear down this system. And tear down this system I will.

“So Timmy, would you like to be my Secretary of the Interior perhaps?”

Timmy was baffled. “Mister President, I told you, I don’t want to serve in the government. I really don’t.”

“Come on” I tried to convince him, “Come make this place better with me”

“No” he said decisively.

Then I started thinking what I could possibly do so he could have a role in the government anyway, at least some kind of role. He’s a really close friend of mine and one of the smartest and best people I know, and I really don’t think I could makeit without him as president.

“Could you take a job as an advisor to the President?”

At that moment, he stopped to ponder the idea.

“Listen” he said, “I will agree to an unpaid role as your advisor. And that’s it. A regular advisor, no pay.”

“Deal!” I said joyfully.

A founding father of the Republic of Moon Island is now my advisor in the government. President Penstubal is already doing such a wonderful job. And on the second day, approval ratings came out. 51% approve, 35% disapprove, 14% haven’t decided yet. I’m winning big.

I eventually became obsessed with my approval ratings. I literally depended on the public opinion. I was so frightened of becoming unpopular. I eventually started having nightmares of being deposed like a despot.

Those nightmares led me to do things that initially went against my beliefs.

I eventually became so paranoid of getting shot and killed as president and getting deposed that I started introducing laws to protect me and upgraded the president’s security guards.

Of course, that didn’t help at all that day when tragedy had to strike...

On the seventeenth day from my inauguration, I was walking down the streets of Dancing Penguin City near the Presidential Palace. It was a crowdy day and it seemed like it was going to rain, but there were a few dozen penguins on the other side of the street all watching me as I pass by the palace. I waved at the joyful crowd.

And that’s about the last thing I remember.

Somebody then swiftly came out of the crowd and started shooting in my direction. I immediately ducked for cover, and my security guards around me immediately grabbed me and threw me in the car! Everybody in the crowd started screaming and a state of chaos erupted. My guards eventually ran over at the shooter who’s shooting in all directions by now and they brought him down and confiscated his gun. Several penguins were already lying on the floor, dead, covered in blood. A horrible sight!

I was shot and was taken to the nearest hospital.

It was just luck that the shooter shot my fat tush so the bullet didn’t hurt me much at all. I fainted anyway because any kind of pain makes me freak out. If you just pinch me, I will roll on the floor with pain.

“Mister President, Mister President, are you okay! My Gosh!” screamed Jolly Timmy as he came to visit me in the hospital.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, thank you Sir” I replied, “My, this was a bad one.”

“You were almost killed sir! Where were you shot?”

“The butt. That’s probably what saved me” Jolly Timmy chuckled. He was not supposed to.

“Does it hurt?”

“It does, it does! But at least it’s not moving anywhere.”

The doctor came in eventually to announce it’s going to take a small operation to take the bullet out of the booty. The other option was for me to have a bullet inside my butt for the rest of my life as doctors predicted it would likely not move anywhere. However, I agreed to ripping that bullet out of the butt and ending this whole charade.

So that’s how I spent the next week – recovering from a dangerous piece of metal piercing through my butt cheek.

Chapter Eight
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...

I don’t know what quote and what other song could be appropriate after this. If you know any, let me know.

But I’m terrified.

The shooting has really taken it’s toll. And I’m even more paranoid than ever before.

What have I done to the world to deserve being shot at?

Has my hardship fighting Chill gotten this far? Have they sent out people to kill me? Has our rivalry gone that far?

Over such a short period of time, I have done everything in my power to protect a catastrophe like that from happening. Several people died in the aftermath of the shooting.

I have sinned.

What have I done? I’m tapping people’s phones, following their activites, setting up cameras everywhere, promoting my security guards and giving them unconstitutional powers. At first, people were sympathetic to me, but eventually started hating me and my approval ratings were barely even 20%. What have I done?

I have wronged this country!

I have violated every single value this country cherishes so much! And what for? All because of my stupid paranoia that Chill and Penquino could be out to get me! I am the worst president in the history of this world and will be remembered as the worst in the history of this world, they will call me Caligula! Say I am overreacting, say I am overreacting, but no I am not, I am a tyrant! I’m a despot! I must be deposed! I am a threat to public safety, to the public good!

However, then something happened. I talked to Chill at the hospital. The dude actually came to visit me. He completely surprised and came out of nowhere.

“Hello, stubal” said Chill in his weird Chill voice.

At that moment, when he came in, something consumed me. An anger. Tears started dripping down my face.

“What do you want you, you murderer?!” I shrieked in agony. I was convinced Chill was the one who ordered my assassination.

“I am not a murderer” said Chill. “I don’t know anything about those who did this, but get them we will.”

“We?”

“They might have been caught in Chill Island. I will have them brought to justice. We can punish them together. You can chill.”

He told me to take a deep breath and managed to calm me down. We talked for a bit. We had fun. I enjoyed his company, and was saddened to see him leave a while later.

That was the most pleasant experience I’ve had in my life. The person I’ve thought of as my enemy for nearly two decades has behaved in such a friendly way to me. Okay, I’m not going to exaggerate. I’m not gonna say “wow, he’s my best friend now!” or anything. But after this visit, I have a different view of him. And, I think that I’ve gone too far. He left the hospital. And the rest of the day, I had a crisis. I never have crises. But this time I had a really real crisis.

Is everything I’ve known a lie? Is everything I’ve ever done a lie? Am I a phony and a fraud? Have I lied and lied and lied and even managed to convince myself that my lies are truths? Am I the most sinful and spiteful person in the world? After that visit by Chill, I genuinely thought that was true.

I have been a jerk to Chill. Granted, he’s been a jerk to me. But maybe he has his own problems too. Maybe he doesn’t even see he was being a jerk. Maybe he wasn’t intentionally trying to be a jerk – maybe he was trying to just have fun. And I did that too. I made fun of people before. But I want to have fun. Sometimes, all that stuff can go too far. You need to know the boundaries. You need to know when to stop, where the line is. I haven’t been able to do that, and granted, Chill hasn’t been able to either.

But we’re all ultimately flawed. Flaws are what make us better humans – and Chill is a good human. He’s a good man.

This hospital visit and these conclusions have dramatically twisted my whole life. I’ve realized I lived life the wrong way. I took everything anybody said about me or did to me or did to somebody else literally and completely seriously. I’ve been extremely judgemental, quick to judge people and determine who they really are based on a minor thing they did.

Imagine if there were two me’s. It would be a clash of two worlds. Two annoying, salty worlds indeed, but two judgemental worlds. I have never thought about what my actions mean to others and how my actions look like in other people’s eyes, particularly not those like Chill’s but those neutral observers who just want normality, peace and who want to have fun and enjoy life. I’ve never thought about it. My vision of the whole world, up until this point, has been all black and white. Now I see every color, and it is such a beautiful and amazing sight to see.

Chill and Penquino made mistakes. But it’s nothing they should be tormented for the rest of their lives for. They shouldn’t be tormented if they repeat them either and don’t learn on them. I would say neither should I be tormented for the same as well, because Chill and Penquino historically haven’t been friendly to me in that regard either. But you need to work on yourself first and then on others. And others you cannot change – maybe you can only encourage them to change and help them make their decision to change, but others you cannot change. You cannot change the way other people behave, you can only change yourself.

HERE LIES BOBBIE WOOD, Hero of the Moon Island Independence

2001 – 2026

DIED FIGHTING ON THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE OF THE BATTLE IN THE FROSIAN ISLANDS

Tombstone erected by Family and Friends

“Do you think my Bobbie would have reacted the same way? ... to my death?”

“I have no doubts about it, Mister President” said Timmy. “I have no doubts about it.”

I have realized that I must become the change I want to see in other people and in this world. That’s why I made a sudden political U-turn. Virtually everybody was surprised by my sudden change. I started proposing rolling back the laws to guarantee me security and I have become completely against the surveillance of citizens and their lives. People were surprised by how I changed stances and they didn’t believe me at first, and they also found that even if I were serious that just means I’m inconsistent, but eventually they did start believing me and after a few years my approval ratings bounced back to normal.

I passed many much needed reforms regarding healthcare, education, the foreign policy, labour rights and so on and so forth. I also quit the Liberal Democratic Party to be an independent, because I believe a good president is a balanced and impartial non-partisan president.

I was satisfied by the way I had done my job, and clearly my people were as well as at the end of my first term I’ve had very good approval ratings. The numbers don’t matter, so I won’t bring them up. Yes, you heard that. I stopped caring about the numbers. Honestly, I don’t really care about the approval ratings anymore either, but I brought them up anyway just to show you how much people started liking me.

For the first time in my life, I feel genuinely happy with myself. And I guess that’s what matters.

I decided to run for a second term, and I won the election. I have been elected for four more years starting 2040.

In retrospective later on, it seems my U-turn was more of a psychological U-turn than a U-turn in politics and ideology. I still remained me and was proud of who I am and proud of how I’ve defended myself of the years. I’m not proud of my conduct, but I have to say I am proud of defying all existing social norms.

Chill and Penquino pranked me so, so many times over the years of my presidency, even after the visit. But I took it. I was mad, I was furious in fact, and I managed to find time myself to troll their places too! And the cycle continued; they troll me, I troll them, they troll me, I respond in an uncreative way. As usual, as it has been my whole life. But now with a notable absence of ‘Da Illuminati’.

In 2042, I held a speech in which I settled once and for all that I do not believe a global Chillist cult exists. I’ve settled that once and for all, and my speech was welcomed with a roaring applause. This, however, angered Brant and Quackerpingu, and my relations with them started to deteriorate, particularly with the latter. I managed to get along with Brant again later actually, so it was all fine with him.

“Where are you going after the election, Timmy?” I asked him out of curiosity just months before it in 2044.

“I’m retiring” he said. “I’m getting myself a luxurious mansion in the Golden Coast and abandoning society. I only want to relax after the presidency, hang out with my family and spend the last years of my life in comfort and peace”

“You’re only 43! Why would you retire so early?”

“I’m tired, Pen” he replied. “I’m tired. Politics is a tiring business. Society is frustrating. And being its member is painful. I do not wish to have any further penguin contact other than with my family.”

“I’m sad you feel that way” I replied with a sombre mood.

“What will you do? Do you plan on running again?”

“Well, yes” I said. “I don’t know. I will. But I’m not going to try really hard. I’m done I guess. I will run and if the people want me, they can elect me. I’m not that unpopular so I could win.”

“Good luck then, Mister President” said Jolly Timmy, “I would gladly serve you as your friend.”

“Thank you very much, Timmy”

I’ve lost the election in 2044. My campaign put an emphasis on what has been achieved so far in the Republic of Moon Island, but people wanted somebody new. They were tired of the same old. You know, back in the early 2030s, I used to be new. But now I’m old. Ah, life. Now I’m considered just another one of those boring politicians.

I did not know what to do with my life after the presidency. I was completely lost and confused. I didn’t know where to go. I was jobless for the next 2 years, and I decided to get my job as professor in Wizzint again. I was hired again and I came to be known as “Professor President”!

“Your Majesty, it’s great to see you again.” I told to the Magonian Emperor, who came to visit me in my Carmine House private residence.

“My pleasure. Don’t call me Your Majesty. We’re friends” he said. “Presidency’s over, eh?”

“Yeah. It’s been a wild ride” I replied, “I’ve accomplished what few could have accomplished. I made Moon Island great again, just as it was decades ago. I’ve truly rebuilt the country and its economy. It is known as a Sea Lion Economy know, you know! I don’t know why they call it a Sea Lion economy, but it’s a good thing”.

“Yes, yes, I’m aware” he said, “Do you not miss your job at all?”

“Honestly, no. I miss the comfort of my home.”

“The Carmine House” he said.

“Yeah”



The Carmine House is a beautiful residence. It’s a building whose interior is designed in an elegant, traditional Moon Island style. I got the Carmine House residence years ago but I never really used it much because I lived in the Wizzint city center. My Carmine House is outside of the actual city, meaning I can enjoy the beautiful countryside as I once said I wanted. I have fulfilled my dream of living in the country.

“Pen, what are you doing now?”

“Teaching at Wizzint University again” I said, “I don’t know what else I would be doing with my life!”

“Ah, yes, yes. You were a wonderful professor.”

“Indeed” I said, “It kind of helped me become President. So many people in Wizzint know me because I worked in the university, so that helped me become mayor and eventually president.”

“Yes, indeed” he said.

We enjoyed ourselves with some tea and biscuits in my house. We had some fun time, cracked some jokes and mocked the current political situations around the world. That was the point of this whole conversation – just chatting. We had nothing particular to discuss. He stayed in Wizzint for a few days before leaving back to his home country of Magonia all the way on the other side of the continent.

Chapter Nine
"Victory belongs to the most persevering."

- Herbert Frank Herbert

6E2hYDIFDIU

That’s all, reader.

Yup, that’s it. That’s finally it. You went through weeks of my ramblings and tortured yourself to death and you finally finished the book. Pretty good, huh? I know, I’m a genius. Some things cannot be changed. You can change a lot about yourself, but you cannot change the fact you’re a genius and proud of it.

Anyway, you read my book. You’re probably wondering what you just read. You learned nothing new. Perhaps to you, most of the book eliminated any possible conclusion that I am a penguin being too. No, I can’t be a penguin being, I’m an obnoxious little boy who wants to harm everybody in order to make himself happy and satisfied with life.

But that’s not who I am, and that’s not what this book is about.

This book is to shed a light on myself and who I really am. I am a penguin, just like you, just like everybody. And I have my needs, my emotions, my outbursts, my turmoils, my bad times and my good times, just like everybody else. The point of the story is that I am no different than Chill and Penquino.

I am now nearing my death. I am a dying old man. And I have realized that I have missed a lot in life. I have done lots of good things and lots of bad things. But I realize how much I just could have corrected. I realize that I could have avoided unnecessary strife. I could have forged friendships and done good deeds instead of gone on imagined crusades against a perceived elite trying to enslave everybody and force them into the worshipping of frogs.

I am Penstubal, and this was my story. This was my life you’ve seen, and these are my personal memories and recollections. This is who I’ve been and this is who I believe others have been. I am not ashamed of what I have written and I am not ashamed of what I’ve done. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done, nor do I regret it. I do feel like I’ve done a lot of things that were bad, but I do not regret standing up for myself no matter what the situation be and no matter whether I was right or wrong.

I have defended myself in every conceivable situation over the last few years. I have defended myself and my friends in the most ridiculous doings and I have stood my ground no matter what. I commit mistakes, but I never surrender.

You can defend yourself for doing something while at the same time not being proud of that doing, and that’s what I have proven during my whole life. That’s what made me “me”, and that’s what separated me from everybody else.

I’ve almost never been right about anything. Actually, I would go as far as to say I literally have not ever been right about anything at all.

Except one thing.

There is no benefit of sucking up to anybody, and there is no benefit in being like everybody else. You are a fraud if you do. I never was and never am going to be somebody else’s.

I may cave in to people, I may give up something I have to people and I may try to be more like people. Those, however, are purely symbolic gestures in order to achieve my strategic interests. And it perfectly works. Do it. Do it all the time, but never become them and never lean on anybody too much.

I have frequently been derided as a liar and irrational. Just keep this in mind, reader; if anybody ever accuses you of being a liar and an irrational being who cannot possibly be reasoned with, please do examine whether they themselves have been what you are not, and only then conclude whether you should cave in to popular pressure and change or not. To me, the answer is always no. And just because everybody else in society says something must be true, does not mean you are wrong, nor that what you said cannot be true at all.

Believe yourself more than you believe others, and you will find true joy in life that way. You can find joy if you cave in to society, but that joy is a fake joy and it will find its way out of you as soon as an exit appears. Don’t take my word for it – instead look around yourself, conclude on your own and decide whether or not I am right.

And don’t remember the paragraph before that too – you can be right too whatever conclusion you make.

Interpret this book as you wish.

THE END

Aftermath
Not long following its publishing in 2074 did the book become one of the most controversial in the history of Antarctica. It became an international bestseller almost everywhere in the world except in some places where it was banned. Critics have called the story a true intake into the perspective of Penstubal into his life and everything that happened during his life, although most critics questioned whether most events in the book are actually true. Mironica denied the kiss between Penstubal and her ever happened, and Miron was furious that it was described in the book. Mironica said that "Penstubal is a serial liar with a complete disregard for the truth, and everything he says in the final chapter is just pandering so he seems like a rational and reasonable person when in reality he is not. He is a compulsive liar who is very well aware he is lying, and the way he twisted the truth about the night we met, which did happen, is simply absurd".

Penstubal questioned whether Mironica had ulterior motives for denying what he calls as '100% the truth', and criticized her for being so quick to judge his work. "I'm questioning whether she had even read the book" he told reporters. Others have also stepped out to criticize parts of the story, including Chill57181 and Penquino, who deny that they ever mocked Quackerpingu and Brant at the high school gathering regarding the Club Penguin Weekee. They deny whether the two have even been there in the first place, meaning they are questioning whether the very story is authentic as well. The debate over whether Salt and the City tells the truth or not continued for years and years and was closed by Penstubal's death in 2082. Allegations continued spiraling that Penstubal was not telling the truth, but this could never be solidly proven.

Also, Scrubette spanked her husband for not mentioning her in the story.

Additionally, some were disturbed by Penstubal's "perverted" description of Penquino's hair in the story.

Salt and the City became Penstubal's favorite literary work and also the longest. Penstubal's book managed to offend just about everybody and that's what made it an international bestseller.

Trivia

 * Salt and the City is the lengthiest work ever written by Penstubal.