Penguin Tales/Pilot Script

[Exposition: The episode opens on a wide shot of the outside of Rocket Slug's home, where she lives with her siblings. The shot zooms in through a window. We see Agent Meltie and James playing cards on the kitchen table. Agent is focused on her deck, but James is fast asleep. Meanwhile, Metalmanager is watching TV in the living room without a care in the world.]

Agent Meltie: Got any eights, Jim?

[James is snoring.]

Agent Meltie: Jim? Jim?! WAKE UP, JIM!!

[James is immediately startled, flailing his arms as he wakes up, disoriented and with messy hair peeking out from under his hat.]

James: Oh, huh, what? Whazzgoinon?

Agent: Rocket Slug has been in her bedroom for three hours, and we've wasted that much time, maybe even more, playing Go Fish on a dirty kitchen table waiting on her!

James: Which means...I was asleep...on a dirty kitchen table...with my arms...GAH!

[He rapidly wipes invisible crumbs from his jacket, but is then surprised to see a clean tablecloth. He blushes, embarrassed.]

James: Oh. Never mind.

[Metalmanager walks in at the sound of this exchange.]

Agent: What on Earth are we supposed to do? I'm so bored...

Metalmanager: Actually, I think she's been in the bathroom for three hours. I heard a flushing sound and running water.

Agent Meltie: Yep, that's my sister, all right. She sits in the bathroom playing Really Peeved Puffles all afternoon, despite the fact that she has her own bedroom! I will never understand that girl...

[As if on cue, Rocket Slug steps out of her bedroom carrying a toaster, a bag of pistachios, and some paper cups.]

Rocket: Hey, guys! Check out what I've just made.

Agent: A toaster? Thought you could do better than that.

Rocket: It's not a toaster. It's an automatic robotic nutcracker. Allow me to demonstrate.

[She sets down the toaster and pulls the lever. Toast pops out, then she backs away, opening the bag of nuts. The toaster grows into a robot, towering over the gang. RS gets small paper cups for everyone and puts nuts inside all of them.]

Rocket: Observe.

[She gives a nut to the robot. It puts the nut in its "hand", then crushes the shell without damaging the nut inside]

Jim (in fake awe): Wooooooooowzah! Will it crack open Metalmanager's big ol' head to remove his brain so he will stop speaking such big smarty-pants words?

Metalmanager: My head isn't that big, right? (Turning to Agent, growing concerned) Right?

Agent: It's a watermelon up there with a brain to match.

Metalmanager (disappointed): Aw.

[Rocket has the robot open more pistachios. She returns some to Metalmanager]

MM: Hey, mine are all smashed! That's... not supposed to happen, is it?

Rocket: No, it's not-

[The machine successfully karate-chops the table in half, then begins chopping everything in sight]

Agent (terrified): Oh, no! How are we going to stop it?

[Jim is surprised when Agent leaps into his arms]

Rocket: Metalmanager, you're smart! You've got to use your head to think of something!

[The robot grows louder, emitting loud beeps and sirens.]

Metalmanager (loudly): What?! Use my bed to shrink a pumpkin?

Rocket (extremely loudly): I SAID USE YOUR HEAD TO THINK OF SOMETHING!

[A lightbulb appears above James' head.]

Jim (having an enigma): That's right! Use your head!

[Everybody picks him up and uses him as a battering ram headed straight into the nutcracker. The robot then explodes in a mess of burnt toast, collapsing onto the floor.]

Jim: We did it! We killed the robot! (to Metalmanager, knocking on his head) And it was all thanks to you and your big, smart watermelon noggin.

Metalmanager: Thanks... Ouch.

Rocket: But what about our nuts?

[Metalmanager, Agent, and Jim crack up.]

Rocket: W-what? Was it something I said?

[Metalmanager stands up and pulls out an uncracked pistachio.]

Metalmanager (straining): They're really... not that difficult to open. Jeez, Melts, your sister sure is wimpy...

[Rocket Slug watches, stifling her laughter as Metalmanager attempts to open the nut, failing every time. Metal looks over his shoulder and sees Agent laughing at him.]

Metalmanager: Aw, man, this nut must be defective.

Rocket: Are you...blushing?

Metalmanager: Well, the thing is, uh, y'know, the humidity...ACTIVATE ROCKET DEVICE!

[He presses his watch, but instead of a rocket appearing on his back, it makes the igloo explode. The gang is covered in soot.]

Metalmanager: Oh, nuts.

[The screen fades to black.]