Penstubal Talk



Excerpts from the weekly talk show series Penstubal Talk, hosted by Penstubal, the CEO of the Penstubal Post, that premiered on the Penstubal One news channel on Saturday, 6 July 2019.

Episode One: 6 July 2019 (Guest: Marty Buchanan)
PENSTUBAL: (walking towards the stage) Hello, my dear friends! (roaring applause from the audience comprised primarily of scrubs and hardcore Penstubal fans as Penstubal sits down at his desk) Hello, hello, hello! Man, what a wonderful audience tonight, right? Welcome to my show, I am John Patrick Penstubal, your host, y'all already know me right? (audience lets out a roaring scream) It is a great and lovely evening in Wizzint here today, it had just rained earlier but as you can see, outside, the sky is crystal clear, not a single cloud in sight, just in time to bless our show and our viewers here tonight, so give it up for nature, who's by far been the biggest supporter in my life! (the penguins in the audience clap and cheer)

This is the first episode of our show tonight (Woo!), a show that I hope will finally raise awareness to the plight of millions upon millions of penguins across our continent. Through humor- (audience interrupts him for a brief applause) through humor and a highly informative show with some of the smartest penguins around, who really indeed know what's going on, have dedicated their entire lives to researching this phenomenon, the penguins who've really been hit hard by this, through them I hope to wake up Antarctica and to get the beautiful and hard-working penguins finally working towards breaking the chains that bind them into slavery. Because what we are experiencing now... (cheers from the audience) What we're experiencing now is systemic oppression. And we cannot deal with that anymore. (a roaring applause from the audience)

That is why tonight, appropriately, for the first episode, I have invited one of the most well-respected social scientists in Antarctica, a doctor in psychology and one of the most acknowledged academics in Moon Island, and not just in Moon Island but in the entire country and indeed around Antarctica. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Marty Buchanan!

MARTY BUCHANAN: (audience starts screaming enthusiastically as Marty Buchanan heads towards the stage) Hello, everybody! Thank you, thank you! (he proceeds to sit down) Thank you everybody! Thank you for bringing me here John, terrific audience!

PENSTUBAL: I know right, I've never seen anything like this! (audience laughs) It's terrific. Great penguins. So, Marty, tell me, what do you make of Brant Esser's decision not to run for a second term? I know that's been nearly a month ago, but this is historic. This is historic, right?

MARTY BUCHANAN: Yes.

PENSTUBAL: The, the intentional community, by that, as you very well know, the elite, they've been cheering. They've been happy that he left. They actually never saw it coming.

MARTY BUCHANAN: Well...

PENSTUBAL: They thought he was a dictator, when actually he was just a normal politician, from a normal country, now one of the economically strongest performing smaller countries in the world. It surpasses, by every measure, all other small countries like little Maps Island, or Caseusopolis, the Bow Ties, I don't even know what countries.

MARTY BUCHANAN: Yes, I see.

PENSTUBAL: Acadia is strong under Esser. And that's why the international community ganged up against him. Because Acadia was powerful. And now, he had nothing to lose. He could have stayed for another term, possibly even won easily. But he's leaving. What do you make of that? (some members of the audience, seemingly Acadians, let out a big applause)

MARTY BUCHANAN: Well, I'd like to start by saying that um, that relative to other Western Union leaders Brant Esser was pretty authoritarian. He was authoritarian in ways McClark wasn't, he's... he's arrested Hockey Manlet, now, you can say whatever you want, whether or not he's right in doing that. Hockey Manlet was, if I recall correctly, he was arrested for violating Acadian hate speech laws, which are pretty strict.

PENSTUBAL: Yes. But those laws defend the public, are in the public interests. He can't go around telling everybody how he wants to burn all High Penguins. That's simply unacceptable-

MARTY BUCHANAN: That's not true.

PENSTUBAL: I'm libertarian. I believe in free speech. I believe in it for all. But Acadian laws are Acadian laws, and other countries aren't so perfect either, so what this feels like is: it's hypocritical countries ganging up on this small country, when they're in violation of the very same thing Acadia is. Have you read Shopper laws?

MARTY BUCHANAN: Yes...

PENSTUBAL: Shops Island is heavy on hate speech.

MARTY BUCHANAN: Shops Island has pretty lax free speech laws.

PENSTUBAL: Yeah, right, if you're not Acadian or Duckish! (audience cheers ecstatically) If you're Acadian or Duckish, you get arrested for daring to speak your own language. Shops Island is incredibly racist. Their immigration laws are ableist, their immigration laws discriminate based on origin.

MARTY BUCHANAN: There is a certain portion to it, yes, but it's, it's primarily a merit-based, don't get me wrong, I don't support it, but...

PENSTUBAL: Being born five miles away from the spot where you currently are so you could be born in the USA instead of Acadia isn't a merit, Marty! (audience cheers)

MARTY BUCHANAN: Not the argument I was making.

PENSTUBAL: We're discussing the racist, ableist, classist, xenophobic and bigoted Shopper immigration laws. Read this: this is the policy summed up. "Those who are (severely) mentally disabled or self-identify as scrubs." (audience lets out a roaring boo, with some members screaming in anger) "Those who have an IQ of under 70." (audience boos), "Those who have an annual income of under 12,000 WB$ and do not have a non-government source of financial support." (audience boos) I mean, goodness gracious, there's more. What is this, Marty? What is this?

MARTY BUCHANAN: Not okay at all, they are extremely backwards-

PENSTUBAL: Exactly! The UAN should sanction Shops Island! (roaring applause from the audience)

MARTY BUCHANAN: -and belong- well, Shops Island should certainly change its course-

PENSTUBAL: It must! This is unacceptable! But the powers, the big players don't care. Castilla is allied to Shops. Ed Island is fascist itself. Who else... the Snoss couldn't care less, the USA is a Shopper puppet and the United Provinces are spineless. So what are we talking about here? The Shoppers can just, just do whatever they want and have outdated and extremely ... wrong policies? What's the matter with this?

MARTY BUCHANAN: Well, most countries believe a country's internal affairs are solely its own.

PENSTUBAL: That doesn't apply to Acadia, eh? (audience starts clapping enthusiastically for Penstubal and adding chants of "yeah!" and "down with Lav!")

MARTY BUCHANAN: Every country backs its allies. In this case, Acadia isn't an ally of most countries and isn't a major power. Shops Island is a major power and a close ally of a ton of countries, and that's why no country would dare take any action against Shops, they're afraid. (audience claps)

PENSTUBAL: Yes. That's right. So, we're going to take a quick break now. This was a very interesting and thought-provoking conversation, wasn't it folks? (audience claps and shouts "yeah!") Coming up next, orange juice - is it scientifically proven to be a health hazard? Stay tuned and find out!

MARTY BUCHANAN: It's not! (laughs)

PENSTUBAL: Shush, Marty! (the audience laughs and cheers for the two)

Episode Two: 13 July 2019 (Guest: Brant Esser)
PENSTUBAL: Hello and welcome to episode two of now the GREATEST TV show in Antarctica, PENSTUBAL TALK! (cheers and applause from the audience) Alright, we have a very special interview with a very special guest. He's the single most persecuted, hated person in Antarctica, demeaned by the establishment and portrayed as one of the worst devils to have ever been born in the continent. He's a close friend of mine. (pauses for a moment, to the laughter of the audience who then cheer on). He is currently the president of one of the greatest-performing countries in Antarctica, an incredibly stable that country in spite of establishment attempts to destroy exactly that. Ladies and gentlemen, live from Delphi, Acadia through video-call: President Brant Esser! (the screen changes to Brant Esser's home in Acadia, where Brant Esser is sitting happily facing the camera. The audience rises up cheering, gives a standing ovation to President Esser and chants "A-CA-DI-A! A-CA-DI-A!")

BRANT: Hello! Salut! Thank you Penstubal, thank you Wizzint, bonsoir! What a spectacular audience, très magnifique!

PENSTUBAL: Bienvenue, Monsieur le Président, bienvenue de Wizzint!

BRANT: Merci beaucoup!

PENSTUBAL: Let's quit the French-chatting, everybody here thinks we're drunk with cream soda. (the audience laughs) President Esser, how are you?

BRANT: Good, good. Actually, as a matter of fact, not sure if you want to hear that, but I'm swell. (the audience chuckles)

PENSTUBAL: Really? How come?

BRANT: I don't know. Today, I've had a nice day with my daughter, you know her, Maddie. She's in high school now, and- (the audience cheers with a roaring applause) and, she's in high school, and we had an actually nice day for once. You know, she's a teenager, and you know how annoying they are. No offense to her now. (the audience laughs).

PENSTUBAL: Terrific! Well, I wish your daughter well, sir. It's nice to spend time with your family, together, now in this world, where the leaders are trying to divide us further apart from each other and make us hate each other.

BRANT: Yes.

PENSTUBAL: So, let's get to the issues now, Brant. So, what I wanted to talk to you was this: you've been a very vocal critic of Ed Island and its, uh, racism, its horrible discrimination against High Penguins. Now, it's not just them I want to focus on specifically, but what I'm trying to connect to is this rise in Neo-Naughtzeeism across Antarctica. We see it first propagated by radical looneys, such as Hockey Manlet, we see it... (audience boos)... we see it...

BRANT: Your audience is very educated. I like it.

PENSTUBAL: Yes, thank you. (the audience laughs and applauds) What I was saying is, we see it in penguins like him, we see it in Shops Island with the President openly using anti-High Penguin tropes, we see it in the Shopper alliance with Ed Island, which is extremely xenophobic towards everybody, let alone High Penguins, we see it in the promotion of orange juice, a disgusting hate symbol meant to harass and demean High Penguins. Whoot Smackler Whoot died years ago, yet it seems, one would cheer on his death and say such a horrible evil is now gone, but it seems that it is AFTER his death that his ideas are really blossoming all over Antarctica. Why is that?

BRANT: Oui, bonne question. The answer is simple: we, the penguins of Antarctica, have unfortunately allowed hate to normalize. We have accepted a nation, one that is notorious for expelling virtually all High Penguins out of their country and possibly for oppressing the very tiny remainder of them, into the international community. This is disgraceful. For years, Acadia has been saying something that the international community is just now waking up to: Ed Island is a disgusting, despicable nation, indeed, completely racist as you describe, and that's why we have sanctioned them years ago and cut off all diplomatic relations, and that's why we're pushing the rest of the Western Union to do the same and are trying to get UP and Candvian politicians to also back sanctions against Ed Island.

PENSTUBAL: How is it going?

BRANT: It's going well. We believe that McClark is much more sympathetic to our cause now than when he was not even years ago, but just months ago. Months ago, as you'd remember, he chimed in on the bandwagon to condemn my country for enforcing its very reasonable laws against a known criminal and bully. But now, just now, although now is better than never, he's noticing how much of a farce it really was, how it was set up by Shops Island, Ed Island and their puppets, and how nations otherwise reasonable and friendly to us have been coerced into backing their international isolation of Acadia otherwise trade relations with Shops would be cut off, those nations would virtually go bankrupt.

PENSTUBAL: I see.

BRANT: Yes. So, as I said, I believe McClark is starting to catch up to it now and I hope that he will listen to our voices and finally take action at the UAN, since he's a Security Council member, against Ed Island and for freedom-loving penguins everywhere, for High Penguins especially who have historically suffered unbelievable discrimination. (the audience lets out a roaring applause).

PENSTUBAL: Thank you, Mister President. I certainly agree with you: Shops Island was just looking for an excuse to isolate an otherwise peaceful, free nation, it was trying to force Acadia and its people into slavery. Well, months have passed, and many countries now see through what they have done, and now understand that your country had been bullied, coerced and pushed into the corner for no real justified reason whatsoever, and that it was an Axle imperialist scheme to get rid of you and your country just like they did with Feey1 and Yow.

BRANT: Exactly!

PENSTUBAL: So that brings me to this - why are you quitting? You have done a great job as president. Your country is prosperous, your country is having outstanding economic and military growth: your country has been acknowledged as relevant for the matter that you're now involved in nearly every single matter in Antarctica, partially thanks to your STRONG alliance with the United Provinces you have forged under Simon McClark, in spite of your personal differences. So why are you quitting? (audience stands up and cheers for Brant)

BRANT: Well, haha, I uh, I appreciate it, Pens. But, unfortunately, uh, our society is divided. We're a divided country. And I believe that it's best that we have a new, fresh, young leader forward, who will unite the country and get stronger backing. I believe I've done my duty for my country, and I'm indeed proud of what I have done-

PENSTUBAL: So stay! (the audience laughs and cheers)

BRANT: No, no! Sorry, Pens! But, believe me, I will always be there! I believe I have done good things for my country. But currently, I'm not ready, nor is my nation it seems, for another five years of me. But I can assure you, so long as I'm alive, I will continue to pester you all! (the audience laughs and starts applauding for Brant Esser)

PENSTUBAL: You should join me in the studio. Be my sidekick here. It's lonely without one!

BRANT: Hey, I can never say never! (the audience roaringly applauds for Brant Esser and seems wildly enthusiastic about the idea)

PENSTUBAL: Mister President, even in the last months of your presidency, you are a very, very busy man. So I will bother you no more. Mister President, thank you for coming on this show, thank you for this wonderful video call and the great and insightful conversation we've had, I hope to see you again soon, I will hopefully visit Acadia by the end of the year and I hope you will actually visit Wizzint too, it's a wonderful city!

BRANT: Haha, I bet it is! Merci, Penstubal!

PENSTUBAL: Au revoir! President Brant Esser, ladies and gentlemen! (the audience cheers)

Episode Three: 20 July 2019 (Guest: Rookie)
PENSTUBAL: Hello, everybody, and welcome to our show tonight! (audience cheers) It's been a rainy day today, very gloomy sky, it makes you wanna not do anything at all and just spend the entire day sleeping on your couch. Well, that's exactly what I did, and here I am tonight for some evening mental exercise! Today, we're going to have a rather important guest. He hails all the way from Club Penguin Island and is regarded by many as one of the most important members of the EPF, you know what it is right, the Elite Penguin Force? (audience laughs) Ladies and gentlemen, Rookie.

ROOKIE: (walks towards the stage with a pie in his flipper) Hello! Hello! I love you all! Hello!

PENSTUBAL: Rookie, what's that? Why do you have a pie?!

ROOKIE: This is for YOU! For being such a terrific guy!

PENSTUBAL: Why, thank you, this came out of nowhere! Wow! What a big pie, it's great!

ROOKIE: Yeah!

PENSTUBAL: What brings you here, Rookie?

ROOKIE: Well, I heard a lot of stuff about you. I heard you're the most "objective" (pffhh) news source in Antarctica, that you "tell truth" and "ONLY" the truth (pffffhhihi) and I was told that you were a guy who really radiates with friendliness and love! (gghhgh)

PENSTUBAL: Yes I am, friendliness is my name!

ROOKIE: So I got captivated by you because you are hilarious!

PENSTUBAL: Oh, well, that was unintended! (audience laughs) I really appreciate that comment, of course, we believe that humor is the best way to educate the masses!

ROOKIE: (giggles) You kidding?! I read the Penstubal Post every morning, I can't get enough of it, it's like you really mean what you say! You can't tell the difference between the Times and the Post! It's amazing!

PENSTUBAL: Erm...

ROOKIE: This Chill guy, what's his deal?

PENSTUBAL: (gets serious) Well, as, as you know since you read the Post, he's a psychopath who's bent on enslaving all freedom-loving penguins in Antarctica to further his very "froggy" agend-

ROOKIE: (falls of his chair laughing) HAHAHA, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH! BAHAHAHHAA! YOU'RE JUST LIKE IN THE POST!!! IT'S JUST LIKE IN THE POST! I LOVE YOU, HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PENSTUBAL: ...

ROOKIE: HAAAAAAAAHAA HA A HAA HAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

PENSTUBAL: I'm... not joking?

ROOKIE: DUDE HOW DO YOU PULL THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE HAHAHA

PENSTUBAL: ...

Are you mocking me?

ROOKIE: Whaa? No dude I- (Penstubal slaps him in the face and he faints, causing the entire audience to storm onto the stage, the program going off for "technical difficulties")