Too Weird for Words

✅ Too Weird for Words is a short surreal story about Dara making a crash landing to frame Rocket Slug for her misdeeds. When TS finds himself falling for it, things only go downhill from there.

The story
Our story begins one fateful day when we witness our heroine Rocket Slug as she is on any other day: lazing around. She eventually dragged herself away from the table to grab a soda, but was stopped by the ringing of her cellphone.

"Hello?" she asked. No reply. She read the caller ID and realized it was Dara.

"RS, is that you?" Dara asked. Rocket Slug cracked open the pop-tab on her soda and took a swig.

"Dara, why are you calling me? I hardly even know you and why do you know my numbe - "

Suddenly, RS' older, ruder, and maybe-smarter sister, Agent Meltie, barged in and opened up the freezer. Perhaps she was on a rampage as usual. "Where are the corn dogs?" the Gothguin growled.

Rocket Slug immediately felt like a speck, tiny compared to her larger, older, and ruder sister. She may have felt a little dumber, too. "I-in the freezer, behind the Fish Pockets," she replied so quietly, it was nearly a whisper.

Agent Meltie snatched the soda off the table and squirted it all over her sister. "That's for being an idiot," she rudely commented as she walked back to the freezer.

RS thought she hung up, but Dara was still on the phone. "Who's that talking in the background?" Dara asked.

RS grabbed her phone off the soda-soaked table. Surprisingly, the phone was waterproof, and sodaproof too.

"That was my evil sister," she replied.

A long pause fell upon the sisters for five seconds, Dara included, when Agent continued her corn dog rampage. She continued digging around the freezer only to find that the corn dogs in question were not behind the Fish Pockets, but behind the cream soda flavored ice cream, a large bag of Penguin Ice, rainbow sherbet, and Mabel-shaped popsicles.

"Evil sister?" Dara droned. "Ah, that's a shame."

RS was silent, watching her sister leave with (uncooked) corn dog in tow. She stood up slowly, slipping into the freezer for the Mabel-shaped popsicle she suddenly desired.

"Hello? Uh, did you hang up on me?!?" Dara asked.

"Yep," RS replied, sticking the frozen treat in her beak and hanging up. She took a seat and sighed, feeling the stickiness of the soda still in her hair and across her face. What was the point of what just happened? The phone call, the situation with her sister, the uncooked corn dog?

It was gonna be a strange day, for sure.

"Well, I know what I'm gonna do today," Dara said, an evil smile stretching across her beak. She rubbed her flippers together, exploding into an evil cackle as she caught a flight to South Pole City. Dara waved a dirty sock in the pilot's face, watched him faint, and took over, making an attempt to crash into RS' backyard. Why the plane was empty, nobody knew. Maybe everyone willing to take a flight that day sensed the awful, rancid vibes from Dara.

There was a mighty crash, shaking the house and startling RS. "What was that?!?" She ran out back and saw a destroyed plane on top of her skateboard, which was now cracked in two. Dara, meanwhile, was flagging her down. RS gulped and slipped back into the house, hoping she hadn't been seen. What was going on?

Suddenly, a new idea popped into her head. If possible, a lightbulb would've appeared. She grabbed some lime green Penguin Paint (imported from Club Penguin Island), a fat suit, and a hideous old-lady dress. And as Dara made her way to the front door, frustrated with her inability to reach RS, the now disguised penguin opened the door and cleared her throat, a preparation for using a goofy accent.

"Are you-a da deliver-eh man with-a my brand-new bagel-a machine?" asked RS in her obviously fake accent. It wasn't any good, or even believable, but she'd already committed to the bit.

"Who are you?" Dara wondered. "Am I in the right place?"

"I-a am-a da house-a-keepah. And I-a saw-a your sign-a out back-a," she replied.

Dara raised an eyebrow to the penguin, and asked a question that may blow RS' cover: "But didn't Rocket look out back?"

RS paused, a bead of sweat trickling down her forehead. Surely the paint wasn't dripping off, was it? "Um... Yes-a, she-a did. And then she-a ran into her-a bedroom to prepare for-a... guitar lessons," RS replied.

"Great. I don't care." Dara began looking around. "Just... lead me to the bathroom, housekeeper. That was a long flight."

Rocket Slug grinned. A chance to take off this goofy disguise! "Yes-a, Dara. Right-a this way. And I will get Rocket-a Slug-a."

"Thanks, housekee - Wait, how do you know my name?"

Dara's question remained unanswered as RS suddenly locked her in the bathroom.

RS darted up the stairs to change her clothes, but before she made it up the top of the staircase, she shouted "Rocket-a Slug-a!" in her goofy fake accent. She then clapped her flippers together, loudly, to make it seem like the housekeeper had gotten hit by something. It wasn't the most elaborate ruse, but it was a ruse nonetheless. And it gave her time to take that green face paint off.

The triumphant sound of a toilet flushing alerted RS that Dara had finished her business.

"What was that sound, dare I ask?"

RS sighed. "My sister slapped the housekeeper and knocked her out cold."

Dara was immediately interested and smiled wickedly. "Neat, how did she do that without the mess?"

"I'm not sure," RS replied, suddenly feeling a cold chill down her spine. She turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of Agent Meltie behind her.

Agent only smirked. "Yo, Dara. Also, sis, just wanted to remind you that TurtleShroom is coming by later, in case you forgot."

RS felt a smile stretch across her face despite the strange cold chill she still felt. "A-ah, thank you. I didn't forget."

Agent patted her sister's shoulder, leading the two down into the hallway.

"TurtleShroom, of all people?" Dara wondered aloud. "What do you even see in him?" RS turned her head quickly. "Nothing, because he's just a friend."

Agent Meltie, having heard the conversation, turned around. "Y'know he's celibate, right?"

"Isn't that some sort of vegetable? Celibate?"

"That's celery, RS. Celibate means he won't date or get married."

Rocket Slug sighed. "Aw.." She smacked herself back to normal. "I mean, uh, very interesting."

Agent only smirked, her attention dashed by the polite and courteous ringing of a doorbell.

"And that must be him!" Rocket Slug announced, making her way towards the door. "What's up? How are you, man?"

"I'm doing good, Rocket Slug, thank you," replied TS, bowing slightly as he so did. He stepped into the living room. "Thanks for inviting me here!"

"No prob," RS added. She gestured towards the massage chair and the flat screen TV. TurtleShroom sat down in the fancy massage chair, letting out a sight of comfort as the seat vibrated. Rocket grabbed the remote and turned it on a random cartoon channel. She then set it down on a coffee table close to TS.

With Rocket Slug entertained by the presence of this old stuffy monarch, Dara felt herself growing bored in the kitchen. She stared at Agent Meltie, whose eyes were glazed over.

"Seriously, what is with that guy?" Agent muttered. "I'll never understand her."

"Me neither." Dara sighed heavily. "Well, I guess I'll go steal her diary, or something like that. Wanna come with?" asked Dara.

Agent though for a moment. "Invading my sister's privacy feels wrong..."

"So?" Dara simply mused.

"But it'll be so funny!" Agent finished, leading the girl up the stairs into the bedroom. "Right this way. So you're.. evil then?"

Dara nodded and smiled at the acknowledgement. "Misery. It's my job."

The two made it up to the bedroom were Agent felt herself evilly grinning. She pulled out a laptop. "I don't know if she keeps a real diary, but she does have a blog. AwesomeRocket.net, to be exact."

Dara snatched the laptop and took a seat on the bed, suddenly exploding into a frenzy of typing. Then the page loaded... and loaded... and loaded.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!?!" she finally screamed, throwing the laptop through a window. The noise was so loud, Rocket and TS could not hear the TV. "What was that?!?" asked RS. "I have no idea, but we will in due time. Stay put, and I'll find out what's amiss." TurtleShroom reached into his inventory and took out his Deletion Rod in preparation for what was about to happen.

As RS was told, she stayed in the living room and watched TV as if nothing was going on. TurtleShroom, meanwhile, followed where he believed the sound had come from. He found RS' bedroom, and the view was shocking.

"ROCKET SLUG! Come forth, NOW!" he screamed.

RS dropped the remote and ran into the room, and if it was possible, her jaw would have fallen to the floor. The entire room was strewn with shattered rocks, skewed fabrics of clothes she recognized and loved stretched to ripping, wrecked furniture, and shards of video game discs and CDs. Dara entered the room from the closet and screamed as well. At some point, Agent Meltie had stepped out. Rocket Slug cast a dark glare at Dara, aware that she just decimated her possessions.

TurtleShroom turned to see Dara, and he grinned warmly, almost as if the disastrous room had no effect on him. "Dara! Hello, friend, it's so good to see you again!"

The dictator opened his arms and Dara returned the embrace, as Rocket Slug's head metaphorically exploded. Dara whispered to TurtleShroom, and he nodded for a moment before standing back to full height.

"You... KNOW her?" RS stuttered. "Oh, Rocket Slug, I apologize. This is Dara. She helped me fulfill my word some time ago when I was in a tight spot. Agreeing to help me with my problem, this adorable little robed girl let Metalmanager stay with her for a pleasant vacation! She's a close friend of mine, and now yours!"

Rocket Slug could not respond. "...w-what?"

"It seems that the burglar ran away when Dara entered, but not before he shoved her into this closet. She prevented your property from being stolen... -but alas, she couldn't prevent it from being destroyed." TS gritted his teeth. "Crime. I hate it."

Rocket Slug felt her eye twitch from anger and disbelief. Dara had TS under her thumb, so to speak. Dara was going to get away scot-free!

Then, though, RS remembered something and ran outside. As she did, Dara began her ploy as TS began his formal legal junk.

"Dara, my good friend, if we want to trap the scumbag that trashed Miss Slug's room, we must have as much evidence as possible, and therefore, I need your help," the monarch said. "As a firsthand witness, I'll need all you can tell me. THEN I'll sic the Inqu- ....I shall call the proper authorities. Yes... proper authorities."

Dara, meanwhile, mastering "the Look," nodded cutely.

TurtleShroom cleared the destruction from one corner of the bed and took a seat, gesturing for her to do the same. "I know it was traumatic, but you MUST tell me all that you saw."

Rocket ran to a window where a tripod and a camera stood positioned into the guest's bedroom. Always paranoid and with the influx of strange folk entering and exiting her life, she had long secured her igloo with constant internal and external surveillance. The camera had been taping the whole thing from her backyard. Taking a cord and making a quick means of connecting, she synced its data to her Ice-Phone, now moving it off the camera and onto the phone for TS to see.

"ROCKET SLUG! Dara bears witness to the tragedy!"

"I can't hear you!" Rocket Slug shouted, walking back in and towards the room, the phone in her back pocket.

"HOW ABOUT NOW?" TS shouted, louder.

"Yes, I can hear you now. No need to yell."

TurtleShroom paused to look at Dara. "Well Dara, she is here as you wished. Rocket Slug, Dara wants to tell you what happened and refused to confide until you entered." Dara smirked at RS. She wanted her to watch TurtleShroom buy her lies. Then beginning her fake tears, Dara sniffled. "They broke in and smashed everything, Mister Jones! The television, the Vii system, the glass unicorn, the pet rock collection, ALL OF IT!! I tried to stop him, I tried to defend Rocket Slug's rightful property, but I was overpowered... he... he locked me in the CLOSET!"

"NOT MY PET ROCK COLLECTION!!!!!" RS bellowed. She stopped to run for her life. Dara, meanwhile, was giving the Look again.

TurtleShroom glared deeply, as he held the Deletion Rod in one flipper, tapping the crook of it against his other flipper like an angered teacher would with a ruler.

"Rocket Slug, I understand your misery."

Dara giggled at the word "misery". TS snapped his head to look at her, but she returned to her "sweet little girl" look.

"-but worry not. This criminal will wish he never existed after I'm done with him. Now, describe the perpetrator."

Rocket Slug sighed, unsure of what she had just gotten herself into. The evidence was right there, on her phone, just ready for the grand reveal. Agent Meltie, who had heard the entire thing from down the hall, slapped her flipper on her beak. How could TurtleShroom fall for all of that? He wasn't that dumb... or was he?

"I didn't see who did it... -but I bet he was big and mean!" Dara sniffled innocently.

"Now that Dara has presented her evidence, may I offer some actual evidence?" RS asked, stepping into the room with Ice-Phone in tow. "I've got it all right here."

TurtleShroom was confused, but also very impressed. A lot of technological stuff confounded him from time to time, but if she said she had evidence, he was willing to observe it. "You installed a surveillance system? Epic, Rocket Slug, epic! I didn't know you knew how to do that..."

RS nodded. "I took an old spy camera and readied it outside, then I transferred the spy camera's videos to my phone. Press this button. Catch!"

"Wait! Rocket Slug, I have bad cat-"

She threw the phone TS and he failed to catch it. The smart phone fell to the floor. Dara stealthily grabbed it and deleted the file before handing it to TurtleShroom.

"There you are, Mr. Jones. One video of evidence." she smiled kindly.

"Thank you Dara." TS replied, returning the smile as he scrolled through the phone, squinting. "Rocket Slug, I see no evidence. Uh... some portraits of you spazzing out, some picture of a bookbag, a penguin with great hair and a cane in your yard..." TS paused and gulped. "...-and, uh..."

TS showed the phone to RS, who shivered of embarrassment.

"This portrait of you donning a polka-dotted bikini."

RS growled and mimicked Dara, crossing her flippers in frustration. "There you are, Mr. Jones. Myeh yeh yeh." She then started to mumble: '' "She makes me sick. I MUST DESTROY THE ENEMY!" ''

RS charged towards Dara and made her scream. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" TS bellowed, panicking. There was no time to react. Like a baseball player swinging a bat, TurtleShroom swung the Deletion Rod and clobbered Rocket Slug across the room with a mighty CRACK. Rocket grew unconscious, both by the force and the power of the item.

TurtleShroom smiled and sighed with relief. While he couldn't catch a phone to save his life, his reflexes were amazing in other fields. Putting the rod back in his inventory, he wiped his flippers on each other.

Dara fought off false tears. "She tried to hurt me!"

Agent put in a piece of gum and sat down on the floor for a spell. "This is better than movie night!"

Suddenly, Phineas34720 walked in, holding a steaming Fish Pocket. "What's going on here?"

TS only gestured to the fallen Rocket Slug, who had made a penguin-shaped dent in the wall when she fell.

"I think she's learned her less-" He stopped. "Who are you?"

"I'm Phineas, her brother? I heard a noise, so -"

TurtleShroom groaned. "Never mind that. There are things of greater severity, kid. I had to take your sister out because she tried to assault poor Dara here." He gestured to Dara, who was still performing the Look with tears in her eyes. "She's Dara, just to let you know."

Metalmanager, who had been lurking in invisible shadows this entire time, became visible. "BOO!" he yelled. TS screamed like a girl and Phineas rolled his eyes.

"MERCY!" shouted TS.

"That's mah name!" Metal replied. He then tapped his beak and thought. "Or my last name..."

Rocket interrupted them by waking up with a huge pink bump on her head, making her flat, dull hair have more volume than usual.

"AAAH! ZOMBIE!" squealed Metalmanager. He leaped into Agent's arms, making her blush.

"Metal! Come here!" groaned RS, slowly sitting up. "NO I DON'T WANNA BE A ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed from Agent's arms. Agent shushed him, trying to calm him down.

TS rolled his eyes. "No, Metalmanager, I whacked her with my Deletion Rod. It isn't lethal. She's very alive and well... at least physically. I question her sanity."

"Okay, well, I thought she was a zombie."

"I'm not a zombie!" RS retorted from the floor. "...or insane?"

Dara thought to herself that she was surrounded by imbeciles.

"Rocket Slug, why did you try and assault poor Dara like that?" asked TS, then he remembered something, his attention shifting to the now-visible Emoguin. "Oh, Metal, how was your vacation?"

"TurtleShroom, she broke into my house and I thought she was trying to fight me or something. I did what I had to do. I'm being honest," Rocket Slug pleaded.

TS frowned. "The burglary is established, Rocket Slug. We must apprehend the culprit."

"SHE'S RIGHT THERE! DARA!"

Dara gasped, flinching. "TurtleShroom, she's going to hit me again!"

TurtleShroom put his flipper around Dara. "I know, Dara, I know. She's crazy and will not get you again."

"So, yeah, they didn't have any grilled cheese sandwiches and I spent the rest of my vacation eating moldy bread and burnt butter-and then there was Dara." Metal explained, then made a face because he recalled the disgusting food (and Dara).

TS turned to Metalmanager and frowned apologetically. "I am so sorry to hear that. Dara insisted that Chi Con was a magnificent place of gleaming splendor and decency."

"Only in Royal Town, dude, only in Royal Town... and even then."

"...but isn't that where you stayed?"

"They broke in and trashed the guest room!" Dara bellowed, changing the subject. TS was immediately distracted by her pleas, and then attempted to comfort her once more.

"Anyone got any popcorn?" Agent Meltie yelled from the hall. Phineas had taken a seat next to her, too, and was digging into his Fish Pocket.

Dara grabbed popcorn from her inventory. Why she had some, no one knows. "I've got some!"

"HEY! You guys have a guest bedroom!" Metalmanager noted. "Can I have it?"

"NO WAY! You've got popcorn!" RS noted, grabbing the bucket. Agent Meltie cocked an eyebrow at her, since she didn't even bother asking. The nerve of some penguins, right?

TS gestured to Dara and chucked. "Well, I guess somebody came prepared."

RS sat down and began crunching. Dara giggled evilly and quietly when everyone had focused on RS, munching away on popcorn in the midst of her destroyed room. Unfortunately, RS didn't know what was in that bucket, but it sure wasn't any ordinary popcorn. It was something straight from the Icarius SadCo catalog. Rocket, not knowing what the bucket contained, plunged her flipper into it, shoved that flipperful into her mouth, and smiled at the delicious taste of her favorite snack. That smile immediately turned to a sick frown. Her stomach lurched. Dara's evil grin grew wider and she rubbed her flippers together evilly.

"Oh no," TS moaned.

"It expired... " RS said aloud, weakly turning over the popcorn bucket and squinting. "This... lot number... it's... a ten after a twenty with a percent sign!" Her words slurred and ran into each other like bad traffic at midnight.

"Glad I didn't eat that, then," Agent mumbled under her breath.

TS snatched the popcorn bucket from her. "Let me see that! The expiration date is September 5th, 1915." TS blinked, and then made a sick face himself. "By Harry Whittington's face... this is apparently Khanzanian popcorn. A-almost a hundred years old... and you... YOU ATE IT."

Metal whipped out a shovel from nowhere and dusted the glass off a chair before he sat. "I agree, Shovel. I don't like her attitude."

RS' head throbbed. "Shovel?" she whined quietly and weakly. "Why?"

Dara held her head down in shame. "I didn't know that it was expired... it was just in my inventory, I'm sorry." She made her eyes big and pleading and looked up to TS.

"Well, now our dear friend RS knows not to make the same mistake twice." TS stroked Dara's back.

Suddenly, Rocket Slug threw up on Dara's shoes. TS displayed a grotesque expression and grabbed his chest. Appalled at such unsanitary filth, he fell to the floor. The loud clanging of his crown followed, and the dictator was out cold.

"PWNED!" MM spoke for his shovel like a child might do with a stuffed animal.

Dara whipped a rude look at Metal and his talking shovel.

"What? Just tryin' to lighten up the mood."

RS dragged herself into the bathroom and...something unspeakable happened. (I feel terribly sorry for the pipes and plumbing.)

TS laid on the floor for awhile until Dara threw some water on him, shaking him away. "I MISTOOK HIM FOR A WALRUS IN THE FIELD!" he shouted, shooting up from the floor. "THE SHOOTING WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"Rocket Slug hit you and you fainted, TurtleShroom, and LOOK! She threw up on me! All over my nice new shoes! She's out to get me, Mr. Jones!" Dara screamed and gestured at the disgusting shoes.

TurtleShroom nodded. "I'm so sorry, Dara. About all of this, really. It's unfortunate..."

Rocket emerged out of the bathroom, leaning on the side of the doorframe. She still looked sick and weak. "DARA'S WRONG! WRONG LIKE SYE! SYE'S ALWAYS WRONG! ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!" She paused, taking a moment to reflect on what she'd just said. "What am I even saying... Sye's usually right."

"Hmph, I agree, Shovel," Metal nodded and smiled.

TurtleShroom smacked RS over the head with the Deletion Rod again. She fainted.

"That's what you get for knocking me out and regurgitating on Dara!"

"HUSH EVERYONE! Shovel would like to make his statement!"

Everyone looked at the shovel, bewildered. The shovel fell over.

"SOMEPENGUIN, GET A DOCTOR!" Metal screamed.

"Too weird for words," mumbled Phineas and Agent together.

Epilogue
Our dear heroine Rocket Slug found herself the victim of a destroyed room, in which Dara and TurtleShroom reluctantly forked over the money to cover many of the damages. Agent Meltie, having been entertained and deeply disturbed by this series of events, helped her weak and sick sister clean the aftermath of the room. They also made sure none of their food was Icarus SadCo-branded. Rocket Slug can no longer enjoy popcorn. Metalmanager was able to revive his fallen shovel, and it seemed like all was back to normal. All in all, the entire event left the group much too weirded out to properly describe how they felt about it.

Characters involved

 * Rocket Slug
 * Dara
 * Metalmanager
 * TurtleShroom (penguin)
 * Agent Meltie
 * Phineas
 * Metalmanager's shovel
 * Rod of Jesse