Too Weird for Words

✅ Too Weird for Words is a short story about Dara framing Rocket Slug for her misdeeds. When TS falls for it, things only go downhill from there.

The story
Our story begins one fateful day when we witness our heroine Rocket Slug as she is on any other day: lazing around. She eventually dragged herself away from the table to grab a soda, but was stopped by the ringing of her cellphone.

"Hello?" she asked. No reply. She read the caller ID and realized it was Dara.

"RS, is that you?" Dara asked. Rocket Slug cracked open the pop-tab on her soda and took a swig.

"Dara, why are you calling me? I hardly even know you and why do you know my numbe - "

Suddenly, RS' older, ruder, and maybe-smarter sister, Agent Meltie, barged in and opened up the freezer. Perhaps she was on a rampage as usual. "Where are the corn dogs?" the Gothguin growled.

Rocket Slug immediately felt like a speck, tiny compared to her larger, older, and ruder sister. She may have felt a little dumber, too. "I-in the freezer, behind the Fish Pockets," she replied so quietly, it was nearly a whisper.

Agent Meltie snatched the soda off the table and squirted it all over her sister. "That's for being an idiot," she rudely commented as she walked back to the freezer.

RS thought she hung up, but Dara was still on the phone. "Who's that talking in the background?" Dara asked.

RS grabbed her phone off the soda-soaked table. Surprisingly, the phone was waterproof, and sodaproof too.

"That was my evil sister," she replied.

A long pause fell upon the sisters for five seconds, Dara included, when Agent continued her corn dog rampage. She continued digging around the freezer only to find that the corn dogs in question were not behind the Fish Pockets, but behind the cream soda flavored ice cream, a large bag of Penguin Ice, rainbow sherbet, and Mabel-shaped popsicles.

"Evil sister?" Dara droned. "Ah, that's a shame."

RS was silent, watching her sister leave with (uncooked) corn dog in tow. She stood up slowly, slipping into the freezer for the Mabel-shaped popsicle she suddenly desired.

"Hello? Uh, did you hang up on me?!?" Dara asked.

"Yep," RS replied, sticking the frozen treat in her beak and hanging up. She took a seat and sighed, feeling the stickiness of the soda still in her hair and across her face. What was the point of what just happened? The phone call, the situation with her sister, the uncooked corn dog?

It was gonna be a strange day, for sure.

"Well, I know what I'm gonna do today," Dara said, an evil smile stretching across her beak. She rubbed her flippers together, exploding into an evil cackle as she caught a flight to South Pole City. Dara waved a dirty sock in the pilot's face, watched him faint, and took over, making an attempt to crash into RS' backyard. Why the plane was empty, nobody knew. Maybe everyone willing to take a flight that day sensed the awful, rancid vibes from Dara.

There was a mighty crash, shaking the house and startling RS. "What was that?!?" She ran out back and saw a destroyed plane on top of her skateboard, which was now cracked in two. Dara, meanwhile, was flagging her down. RS gulped and slipped back into the house, hoping she hadn't been seen. What was going on?

Suddenly, a new idea popped into her head. If possible, a lightbulb would've appeared. She grabbed some lime green Penguin Paint (imported from Club Penguin Island), a fat suit, and a hideous old-lady dress. And as Dara made her way to the front door, frustrated with her inability to reach RS, the now disguised penguin opened the door and cleared her throat, a preparation for using a goofy accent.

"Are you-a da deliver-eh man with-a my brand-new bagel-a machine?" asked RS in her obviously fake accent. It wasn't any good, or even believable, but she'd already committed to the bit.

"Who are you?" Dara wondered. "Am I in the right place?"

"I-a am-a da house-a-keepah. And I-a saw-a your sign-a out back-a," she replied.

Dara raised an eyebrow to the penguin, and asked a question that may blow RS' cover: "But didn't Rocket look out back?"

RS paused, a bead of sweat trickling down her forehead. Surely the paint wasn't dripping off, was it? "Um... Yes-a, she-a did. And then she-a ran into her-a bedroom to prepare for-a... guitar lessons," RS replied.

"Great. I don't care." Dara began looking around. "Just... lead me to the bathroom, housekeeper. That was a long flight."

Rocket Slug grinned. A chance to take off this goofy disguise! "Yes-a, Dara. Right-a this way. And I will get Rocket-a Slug-a."

"Thanks, housekee - Wait, how do you know my name?"

Dara's question remained unanswered as RS suddenly locked her in the bathroom.

RS darted up the stairs to change her clothes, but before she made it up the top of the staircase, she shouted "Rocket-a Slug-a!" in her goofy fake accent. She then clapped her flippers together, loudly, to make it seem like the housekeeper had gotten hit by something. It wasn't the most elaborate ruse, but it was a ruse nonetheless. And it gave her time to take that green face paint off.

The triumphant sound of a toilet flushing alerted RS that Dara had finished her business.

"What was that sound, dare I ask?"

RS sighed. "My sister slapped the housekeeper and knocked her out cold."

Dara was immediately interested and smiled wickedly. "Neat, how did she do that without the mess?"

"I'm not sure," RS replied, suddenly feeling a cold chill down her spine. She turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of Agent Meltie behind her.

Agent only smirked. "Yo, Dara. Also, sis, just wanted to remind you that TurtleShroom is coming by later, in case you forgot."

RS felt a smile stretch across her face despite the strange cold chill she still felt. "A-ah, thank you. I didn't forget."

Agent patted her sister's shoulder, leading the two down into the hallway.

"TurtleShroom, of all people?" Dara wondered aloud. "What do you even see in him?" RS turned her head quickly. "Nothing, because he's just a friend."

Agent Meltie, having heard the conversation, turned around. "Y'know he's celibate, right?"

"Isn't that some sort of vegetable? Celibate?"

"That's celery, RS. Celibate means he won't date or get married."

Rocket Slug sighed. "Aw.." She smacked herself back to normal. "I mean, uh, very interesting."

Agent only smirked, her attention dashed by the polite and courteous ringing of a doorbell.

"And that must be him!" Rocket Slug announced, making her way towards the door. "What's up? How are you, man?"

"I'm doing good, Rocket Slug, thank you," replied TS, bowing slightly as he so did. He stepped into the living room. "Thanks for inviting me here!"

"No prob," RS added. She gestured towards the massage chair and the flat screen TV. TurtleShroom sat down in the fancy massage chair, letting out a sight of comfort as the seat vibrated. Rocket grabbed the remote and turned it on a random cartoon channel. She then set it down on a coffee table close to TS.

With Rocket Slug entertained by the presence of this old stuffy monarch, Dara felt herself growing bored in the kitchen. She stared at Agent Meltie, whose eyes were glazed over.

"Seriously, what is with that guy?" Agent muttered. "I'll never understand her."

"Me neither." Dara sighed heavily. "Well, I guess I'll go steal her diary, or something like that. Wanna come with?" asked Dara.

Agent though for a moment. "Invading my sister's privacy feels wrong..."

"So?" Dara simply mused.

"But it'll be so funny!" Agent finished, leading the girl up the stairs into the bedroom. "Right this way. So you're.. evil then?"

Dara nodded and smiled at the acknowledgement. "Misery. It's my job."

The two made it up to the bedroom were Agent felt herself evilly grinning. She pulled out a laptop. "I don't know if she keeps a real diary, but she does have a blog. AwesomeRocket.net, to be exact."

Dara snatched the laptop and took a seat on the bed, suddenly exploding into a frenzy of typing. Then the page loaded... and loaded... and loaded.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!?!" she finally screamed, throwing the laptop through a window. The noise was so loud, Rocket and TS could not hear the TV. "What was that?!?" asked RS. "I have no idea, but we will in due time. Stay put, and I'll find out what's amiss." TurtleShroom reached into his inventory and took out his Deletion Rod in preparation for what was about to happen.

As RS was told, she stayed in the living room and watched TV as if nothing was going on.

TS tried to find the guest bedroom where all the noise was coming from. Dara was in there, breaking the decorations of the room.

TurtleShroom finally found the guest bedroom, as it was labeled, ''"GUEST BEDROOM!!!" ''.

"ROCKET SLUG! Come forth, NOW!" he screamed. RS dropped the remote and ran into the room, and if it was possible, her jaw would have fallen to the floor. The entire room was strewn with shattered rocks, skew fabrics stretched to ripping, wrecked furniture, and shards of video games. Dara entered the room from the closet, and screamed. Rocket Slug cast a dark glare at Dara, aware that she just decimated her possessions.

TurtleShroom turned to see Dara, and he grinned warmly.

"Dara! Hello friend, it's so good to see you again!"

The dictator opened his arms and Dara returned the embrace, as Rocket Slug's head metaphorically exploded. She whispered to TurtleShroom, as he nodded for a moment, before standing back to full height.

"You... KNOW her?" RS stuttered. "Oh, Rocket Slug, I apologize. This is Dara. She helped me fulfill my word when I was in a tight spot. Agreeing to help me with my problem, this adorable little robed girl let Metalmanager stay with her for a pleasant vacation! She's a close friend of mine, and now yours!"

Rocket Slug could not respond. "...w-what?"

"It seems that the burglar ran away when Dara entered, but not before he shoved her into this closet. She prevented your property from being stolen... -but alas, she couldn't prevent it from being destroyed. Crime. I hate it."

Rocketta's stomach churned like butter, and her eye twitched. Dara had TS under her thumb, so to speak. Dara was going to get away scot-free!

Then, though, RS remembered something and ran outside. As she did, Dara began her ploy as TS began his formal legal junk.

"Dara, my good friend, if we want to trap the scumbag that trashed Miss Slug's room, we must have as much evidence as possible, and therefore, I need your help. As a firsthand witness, I'll need all you can tell me. THEN I'll sic the Inqu- ....I shall call the proper authorities. Yes... proper authorities."

Dara, meanwhile, mastering "the Look," nodded cutely.

"I know it was traumatic, but you MUST tell me all."

Rocket ran to a window where a tripod and a camera stood positioned into the guest's bedroom. Always paranoid, she had long secured her igloo with constant internal and external surveillance. The camera had been taping the whole thing from her backyard. Taking a cord and making a quick means of connecting, she synced its data to her Ice-Phone, now moving it off the camera and onto the phone for TS to see.

"ROCKET SLUG! Dara bears witness to the tragedy!"

"I can't hear you!" RS shouted, walking back in and towards the room, the phone in her back pocket.

"HOW ABOUT NOW?" TS shouted, louder.

"Yes, I can hear you now. No need to yell."

TurtleShroom paused to look at Dara. "Dara, as you wished, she's here. Rocket Slug, Dara wants to tell you what happened and refused to confide until you entered." Dara smirked at RS. She wanted her to watch TurtleShroom buy her lies.

Beginning her fake tears, Dara sniffled. "They broke in and smashed everything, Mister Jones! The television, the Vii system, the glass unicorn, the pet rock collection, ALL OF IT!! I tried to stop him, I tried to defend Rocket Slug's rightful property, but I was overpowered... he... he locked me in the CLOSET!"

"NOT MY PET ROCK COLLECTION!!!!!" RS bellowed. She stopped to run for her life. Dara, meanwhile, was giving the Look again.

TurtleShroom glared deeply, as he held the Deletion Rod in one flipper, tapping the crook of it against his other flipper like an angered teacher would with a ruler.

"Rocket Slug, I understand your misery."

Dara giggled at the word "misery". TS snapped his head to look at her, but she returned to her "sweet little girl" look.

"-but worry not. This criminal will wish he never existed after I'm done with him. Now, describe the perpetrator."

Rocket Slug, in pure boredom, left and turned on a Robert O'vian rerun. "HAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAA!" bellowed the television.

Agent Meltie slapped her flipper on her beak. How could TurtleShroom fall for all of that?

"I didn't see who did it... -but I bet he was big and mean!" Dara sniffled innocently.

Metalmanager, being invisible, was hiding in the house the whole time, turned visible and stood in the middle of the guest bedroom, careful not to make his flippers bleed from the broken things and shards of glass.

"Are we in a heated debate? I'd gladly join in."

"Sure, my sweet passion-fruit poet." Agent Meltie batted her eyelashes and stood next to her so-called boyfriend.

"I WAS VIDEOTAPING THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!" Rocket screamed. She ran into the room, waving her Ice-Phone around.

TurtleShroom was confused, but also very impressed. "You installed a surveillance system? Epic, Rocket Slug, epic! I didn't know you knew how to do that..."

RS shrugged. "I took an old spy camera and readied it outside, then I transferred the spy camera's videos to my phone. Press this button. Catch!"

"Rocket Slug, I have bad cat-"

She threw TS the phone and he failed to catch it. The smart phone fell to the floor. Dara grabbed it and deleted the file before handing it to TurtleShroom.

"There you are, Mr. Jones. One video of evidence." she smiled kindly.

"Thank you Dara." TS replied, returning the smile.

TS observed the phone. "I see no evidence. Just some portraits of you spazzing out, some picture of a bookbag, a penguin with great hair, a labcoat, and a pair of glasses in your yard..." TS paused at that. "...-and, uh..."

TS showed the phone to RS, who shivered of embarrassment.

"This portrait of you donning a polka-dotted bikini."

RS growled and mimicked Dara, crossing her flippers in frustration. "There you are, Mr. Jones. Myeh yeh yeh." She then started to mumble: '' "She makes me sick. I MUST DESTROY THE ENEMY!" ''

RS charged towards Dara and made her scream. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" TS bellowed.

There was no time to react. Like a baseball player swinging a bat, TurtleShroom swung the Deletion Rod and clobbered Rocket Slug across the room with a mighty "CRACK". Rocket grew unconscious, both by the force and the power of the item.

TurtleShroom smiled and sighed with relief. His reflexes are amazing in some fields. Putting the rod back in his inventory, he wiped his flippers on each other.

Dara fought off false tears. "She tried to hurt me!"

Agent put in a piece of gum and sat down for a spell. "This is better than movie night at Christina's!"

Suddenly, Phineas34720 walked in, holding a steaming Fish Pocket. "Rocket, I told you not to burn them! Wait, where is she?"

TS gestured to the fallen Rocket Slug, who had made a penguin-shaped dent in the wall when she fell.

"She's learned her less-" He stopped. "Who are you?"

"I'm Phineas, her brother, and I'm ticked off that she burned the Fish Pocket."

TurtleShroom groaned. "There are things of greater severity, kid. I had to take your sister out because she tried to assault poor Dara here." He gestured to Dara, who was performing the Look with tears in her eyes. "She's Dara, just to let you know."

Metal became visible again. "BOO!" he yelled. TS screamed like a girl and Phineas rolled his eyes.

"MERCY!" shouted TS.

"That's mah name!" Metal replied. He then tapped his beak and thought. "Or my last name..."

Rocky interrupted them by waking up with a huge pink bump on her head, making her flat, dull hair have more volume than usual.

"AAAH! ZOMBIE!" squealed MM. He leaped into Agent M's arms, making her bat her eyelashes and smile at him again.

"Metal! Come here!" said RS in a very zombielike manner. "NO I DON'T WANNA BE A ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed from Agent's arms.

TS rolled his eyes. "Metalmanager, I whacked her with my Deletion Rod. It isn't lethal. She's very alive and well... at least on body. I question her sanity."

"OK, well, I thought she was a zombie."

RS screamed, "I'M NOT A ZOMBIE...OR CRAZY!!!!"

Dara thought to herself that she was surrounded by imbeciles.

"Rocket Slug, why did you try and assault poor Dara like that?" asked TS, then he remembered something. "Oh, Metal, how was your vacation?"

"TurtleShroom, she broke into my house and I thought it was about a battle. No lie." RS applied.

TS frowned. "The burglary is established, Rocket Slug. We must apprehend the culprit."

"SHE'S RIGHT THERE! DARA!"

Dara gasped.

"TurtleShroom, she's going to hit me again!"

TurtleShroom put his flipper around Dara. "I know, Dara, I know. She's crazy and will not get you again."

"So, yeah, they didn't have any grilled cheese sandwiches and I spent the rest of my vacation eating moldy bread and burnt butter-and then there was Dara." Metal explained, making a face because he recalled the disgusting food-and Dara.

TS turned to Metalmanager and frowned. "I apologize for hearing that. Dara insisted that Chi Con was a magnificent place of gleaming splendor and decency."

"Only in Royal Town, dude, only in Royal Town... -and even then."

"...-didn't you stay there?"

"They broke in and trashed the guest room!" Dara bellowed, changing the subject. TS was immediately distracted.

"I want peanut butter." Rocket Slug frowned.

Dara grabbed peanut butter from her inventory. Why she had some, no one knows. "I've got some!"

"HEY! This is a guest bedroom! Can I have it?"

"NO WAY! PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Aw."

TS gestured to Dara. "Well, I guess somebody came prepared." He chuckled.

Rocky jerked the peanut butter and opened it. Dara giggled evilly and quietly when everyone had focused on RS, jerking a jar open on a bed covered in broken glass. Unfortunately, RS didn't know what was in the jar, but it definitely wasn't peanut butter. It was something straight from the Icarius SadCo catalog. Rocket, not knowing what was in the jar, licked the paper tab from the top and plunged her flipper into it, shoved that into her mouth, and smiled at the delicious taste of her favorite snack. That smile turned into a sick frown. Her stomach lurched. Dara's evil grin grew wider and she rubbed her flippers together evilly.

"Oh no," TS moaned.

"It expired...." RS said aloud, squinting at the expiration date and lot number. "This.....lot number.... it's....A TEN AFTER A 20 WITH A PERCENT SIGN!" Her words slurred and ran into each other like bad traffic at midnight.

"Let me see that! The expiration date is September 5th, 1915." TS blinked, and then made a sick face himself. "By Harry Whittington's face..... this is apparently Khanzanian peanut butter. -Almost a hundred years old... -and you... YOU ATE IT."

Metal whipped out a shovel from nowhere and dusted the glass off a chair before he sat. "I agree, Shovel. I don't like her attitude."

RS' head throbbed. "Shovel?" she whined quietly and weakly. "Why?"

Dara held her head down in shame. "I didn't know about the peanut butter.....I'm sorry." She made her eyes big and pleading and looked up to TS.

"Well, now our dear friend RS knows not to make the same mistake twice." TS stroked Dara's back.

Suddenly, Rocket Slug threw up on Dara. TS displayed a grotesque expression and grabbed his chest. Appalled at such unsanitary filth, he fell to the floor. The loud clanging of his crown followed, and the dictator was out cold.

"PWNED!" MM spoke for his shovel like a child might do with a stuffed animal.

Dara whipped a rude look at Metal and his talking shovel.

"What?"

RS dragged herself into the bathroom and...something unspeakable happened. (I feel terribly sorry for the pipes and plumbing.)

TS laid on the floor a while, until Dara threw some water on him.

"I MISTOOK HIM FOR A WALRUS IN THE FIELD!" TurtleShroom shouted, shooting up from the floor. "THE SHOOTING WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"Rocket Slug hit you and you fainted, TurtleShroom, and LOOK! She threw up on me! ALL OVER ME! She's out to get me, Mr. Jones!" Dara screamed and gestured at her vomit-covered robes.

TurtleShroom nodded. "You may be right, Dara... -and as for hitting me..."

Rocky emerged out of the bathroom, leaning on the side of the doorframe. She still looked sick and weak. "HA-HA, MIGHT! BECAUSE DARA'S WRONG! WRONG LIKE SYE! SYE'S ALWAYS WRONG! ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!" She paused. "What am I even saying.....Sye's usually right."

"Hmph, I agree, Shovel." Metal nodded and smiled.

TurtleShroom smacked RS over the head with the Deletion Rod again. She fainted.

"That's what you get for knocking me out and regurgitating on Dara!"

"HUSH EVERYONE! Shovel would like to make his statement!"

Everyone looked at the shovel, bewildered.

The shovel fell over.

"SOMEPENGUIN, GET A DOCTOR!" Metal screamed.

"Too weird for words." mumbled Phineas and Agent together.

Characters involved

 * Rocket Slug
 * Dara
 * Metalmanager
 * TurtleShroom (penguin)
 * Agent Meltie
 * Phineas
 * Metalmanager's shovel
 * Rod of Jesse
 * Agent Meltie and the Wedding Crashers