Hallowed Sect of Our Lord, the Honorable Ernie

The , also called the Cult of Weirdology, and most famous by its shortened phrase, Weirdology, is a shady and off-the-wall cult-like organization famous for depriving would-be members of sleep and indocrtinating them with strange songs. The Anonymous terrorist group enjoys messing up their meetings via protest and Rick Astley songs.

Their main symbol is two nonagons and they were founded by reknowned Str00del and conspiracy theorist r0n4Ld CUbB4rd, who believes that everything in Penguins: a Threat to Society? is true, and also that Ernie's father was the sky programmer, and that this can all be revealed to would-be believers for ten easy payments of nineteen hundred fifty five fish. Converts are told that, to purify themselves and see Ernie's Father, they must paint the entire world purple, recruit others, take the singing, do some therapy, read their book, and BUY MORE VIDEOS.

They exploit their cronies for money by sending them videos for hefty donations and are infamous for being hated by Captain Str00del. They're mostly a greedy business rather than a bonified group of interests like the MMK, which is shockingly more honest and is reccomended that one should go there instead of to this.

The cult was eventually hijacked by Porkchop (after he paid the appropriate fees and such), who used the scam's wealth and fanatical base to kidnap Patricia, and later on, to purchase all the things he needed to go back to the past and begin messing with Baldurshroom.

The Dawning
{Told as story by random unfortunate narrator.}

Narrator: "So... you're going to pay me to read your leaked story?"

Julian: "That's right! Just speak clearly into the microphone."

Narrator: "Free money! ALL RIGHT!"

Julian: "No, there's work involved."

Narrator: "Not much work in reading the story."

Julian: "You obviously haven't seen just how stupid this story is."

Narrator: "How bad can it be?"

Julian: "Go on. Read it then, tough guy."

Ahem.

In the beginning...

(Julian: no, no... too reverent!)

Once upon a time...

(Julian: Noob!)

Uhh... a long time ago, in a galaxy far, fa-

(Julian: .................)

It all started with a crazy Str00del.

(Julian: MUCH BETTER.)



All right.

The Cult traces its origins back to the great - who must always have his hallwoed name in, and... OH MY PHREAKING HAPPYIST... IS THAT COMIC SANS?! -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

[......]

Okay, okay... I'm better now. MOVING ON.

Ronald was eating waffles on a clear, stormy night- yes, I AM reading verbatim -on his favorite Captain Str00del plate.

WHEN SUDDENLY, A BRIGHT LIGHT APPEARED BEFORE HIM.

...-but who? Who was it? The Sky Programmers? The meaning of life? Something?

It was... IT WAS... IT WAS...

(Julian: "Why are you hesitating?")

(Narrator: "...-I'm going to have to hang shame curtains in my house after I read this.")

(Julian: "The faster you do it, the faster you can go home.")

IT WAS !!

the thing said, IN COMIC SANS...

Cubbard: "n0......."

Cubbard: "...just 6t33n. It d0N'T d0 m3 no b4d..... {hiccup}"

Cubbard: "vuz a Fl0R|d4?"

(In background: )

( Lord Carrion Looloo:

(The voices stop.)

Cubbard: Yayz!



(Backgrund: )

Cubbard wasn't sure what that meant, so Looloo instructed him to assemble nine candles and assemble them into the shape of a nonagon. After he explained what a nonagon was (and what a candle was), he eventually did it.

Cubbard nodded,

"|'m 4 w33NI3."

The floor broke from under him and Ronald fell into his basement. He broke his back, arm, and his dignity. The candles burned, burned, burned! Finally, Looloo began to tell him the story.

"U UPgr4d3d ur M|Leeterry & pR0tect3d ur r00l wiF 4rmiez?"

"w4|t, how did U do that?"

(background: )

"ZOMG ZOMG U N@@KED THEM?! wif w4ffl3z?!"

"WUT?! WUUT d|d U do?"

"whoz juZtIn b33bUrr?"



"OHHHH NOOOEEEEEEZZZZ- w8!!1!1!! THAT'S MIZT3R B33N."

"wut did th0z3 d00?"

NOOOOOOOOEEEEEZZZZ!!! HOW (0ULD U?!!11!!??!

There was a pause.

"I s33."

"ZOMG THATZ Aw3ZUM."

"WuT t3zt?"

"i s33."

"yez m4zt3r."

Narrator (eyes twitching while reading, stuttering): ...-and so, Looloo told Ronald everything. He told him about the purple, the ghosts, about the robes and shoes and chants, about the videos and the therapies, and he gave him TEH BOOK TO LIVE BY, which all converts, Looloo said, would need to memorize to free the ghost.

[.......]

Narrator: OH GOSH. THAT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER READ. I NEED TO WASH MY BEAK WITH SOAP AND THEN, MAYBE DRYCLEAN MY EYEBALLS. ...-AND THEN I'LL NEED BRAIN SOAP TO CLEAN MY HEAD.

Julian: Told ya.

(Later that day, the Narrator got really sick with avian flu. Coincidence? WE THINK NOT!!)

Tenants of the Cult
There are many rules, regulations, and items set forth in Cubbard's writings. For ease of reading, they are translated from 1337 to English.

NUUZ
Every penguin (sorry, puffles) has a ghost lodged in their spleen, according to the Cult. These ghosts are called Nuuz (pronounced "NEWS"). A nuu is a good, friendly being that, if freed, will grant its liberator IMMENSE POWWAAAAHH and ENDLESS WAFFLES. (Which is better?)

Nuuz got into penguins in their quest to escape modern art. No place on the continent existed that was safe from those horrid, unrealistic sculptures. Sadly, they found themselves stuck, and they needed the penguin's help to get back out.

They live in spleens because spleens are purple.

DOCTRINE ONE: YOU HAVE NO PURPOSE
First off, all Weirdologists must know that they do not matter. What matters is Looloo, purple, and the innocent Nuuz.

The goal of penguins is to free their Nuuz so they can feast on waffles and get POWAH. Penguins with POWAH get the ability to, among many things, control all things weird, and also to change the color of things (always into purple), for example.

To accomplish this, read on.

DOCTRINE TWO: ALL YOUR MONEY ARE BELONG TO US
As Looloo said, all ghosts were implanted with brain antennae to harm them greatly. These antennae, called "IMPLANTZ", also cause harm to the host of the Nuu, which is why creatures get fat from eating waffles.

In a ghost-free Weirdologist, waffles are the healthiest food on the earth (and off it).

However, Looloo, back when he wasn't atoning, created a barrier for the ghosts to get out. Coupled with all colors except purple, the Book, and modern art, this barrier was money. Currency exhibits a supernatural wave that corresponds with the Nuuz's brain antenna; having too much currency gives off a signal that further holds back the Nuuz from escaping or trying.

However, just getting rid of one's money does not work. See, money also has a reverse setting that can exhibit a good supernatural wave that can help free one's Nuu. In any Weirdology cult, a special machine stands in the back that one puts money on, pulls the lever, activates the conveyor belt, and watches, as the machine sprays purple air fresheners to reverse the money's signal.

Reversed money signals help free one's Nuu. The more money, the stronger the signal. Giving more money speeds up the process; even thoug any Weirdologist that pays the base fee can free their Nuu, it'd take decades without extra gifts of cash. Further, one can, by giving money, gain quicker access to the higher means of liberating their Nuu.

By giving to the Sect, money can be turned into a freeing force for one's Nuu. Or, that's how the story goes.

DOCTRINE THREE: HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
Nuuz, before being destroyed, were friendly, cheerful creatures. Now, though, they are depressed and alone. A happy Weirdologist channels that happiness to the Nuu in said cultist's spleen, giving said Nuu hope to try and get out.

Basically, and this is the easiest (and free) part. A proper Weirdologist must maintain a joyful, positive attitude, and must always look on the bright side of things. Every cloud has a purple lining, and the grass is not more purple on the other side.

The best way to cheer oneself up, claims the Cult, is to paint everything purple, chant about "purple", and say "purple" at the end of each sentence, and also once right before going to bed.

The Cult measures one's happiness by use of "TEH MEASURING THINGY".

Ranked from negative ten to positive ten, the Thingy is used to measure one's mood. Each week, cultists gather together in the mountainous headquarters of the Cult to have their happiness level ranked.

Paying a fee, a cultists sits down with a more senior cultist, who will ask about their day, about purple, about waffles, ect., until they can assess their joy.

One must succeed in becoming "super happy" (10) at least once to advance to the next level.

Those who have done this are considered "As Happy as Purple", and can move on to the next, more expensive step.

Of course, this is assuming they have already read TEH B@@K.

DOCTRINE FOUR: IYNHYNFM
Cultist terminology for If You're Not Happy, You're Not a Friend of Mine. Basically, it means that any creature that isn't a cheerful one- be they a believer or a normal creature -actually emits raditation that depresses' one's Nuu.

Creatures that are sad are labelled as a "Ness" by the Cult. All "Nesses" are to be avoided at all costs, period. Creatures that were once cultists but left the scam are worse than that. The cult teaches that those who defect are "TEH EVULZ", and that even looking at a Ness that is also "TEH EVUL" drains one's happiness like a hole in a paint can.

Weirdologists are to never associate with Nesses. EVER. Nesses are also unworthy of freeing their Nuu, and no money can redeem that.

DOCTRINE FIVE: ALL HAIL ERNIE
Cultists are taught that Looloo is the immortal father of Ernie. As such, Cultists must maintain good standing with Ernie, who is the offspring of their master, by following him and learning about him, by copying his movements and assisting him in his plans for world domination, and any task he desires. No matter the shade of the cultist, this is one of the most important doctrines of Weirdology, and it is why Ernie was able to build and afford the Ship.

Weirdology doctrine teaches that all of their money is Ernie's. If Ernie needs anything and can't buy it, Weirdologists are to give him the money.

SHADES OF PURPLE
In the step to liberating one's Nuu, there are several "shades" to go through. Of course, one must donate the minimum amount of money to reach past the "As Happy as Purple" level and begin the real deal.


 * SHADE I: Lavender
 * Cost: Zero pebbles

This is the simple one. One must relenquish one's dignity. A Weirdologist can not free their Nuu if dignity is in their way. A truly happy Weirdologist doesn't care what others think.

As such, to reach Lavender, all Weirdologists must ascend to the mountaintops and shout, at the top of their lungs, "", and then "", then "", and, lastly, "". Doing this for ten hours straight advances a level.


 * SHADE II: Lilac
 * Cost: Varies by retailer

Again, this is a cheap step. One must purchase a copy of Penguins: A Threat to Human Society, also called "TEH B@@K", and memorize it, cover to cover. When they feel "ready", the cultist will recite the book cover-to-cover at the cult's headquarters.

Successful memorization of TEH B@@K leads to the next level.


 * SHADE III: Amethyst
 * Cost: 20,000 pebbles (estimate)

Basically, one goes to the Weirdology HQ and is told the origins of the Nuuz, of Looloo, and of their ultimate step, One can only be told "TEH STORY" by a senior Weirdologist that has passed Shade VI or more. They pay a fee and are led into a small room with the Weirdologist. Leaks assert that this room is all purple with two purple chairs and a small purple coffee table. Even the lights in the room are purple.

The senior Weirdologist tells the tale to the younger one, and after the story is said and done, they assemble a nonagon of candles and sing "Ring of Fire". Successful completion of this ritual, after a few more chants of "PURPLE", leads to Shade IV.


 * SHADE IV: Violet
 * Cost: Five thousand pebbles, plus any clothes/medicines/toiletries for the sleepover

This is the singing part that is so known outside of the cult. Basically, for the next two weeks, cultists spend the night at "Camp Ernie", an area outside their little village. Cultists gather around a campfire and sing their campfire songs, their c-a-m-p-f-i-r-e songs. As long as they're singing a song that isn't the sacred "Ring of Fire", anything will do.


 * SHADE V: Indigo
 * Cost: Varies, depending on how long it takes to spot a modern artist

This is when "painting the town purple" goes into overdrive. The cultist is ordered to purchase all the purple paint they can get, get in a Cult-provided car, and drive to South Pole City. With this purple paint, they must paint everything they can, from cars to buildings to penguins, all must be purple.

The object is to paint everything they can purple until they say a modern artist working. Even if they are arrested, they can still paint the inside of the cop's car, the cop, the prison, the judge, the floor, the jailer....... (Cubbard's writings urge followers to "get creative".)

Since South Pole City is a haven for art on some days, this can be anywhere from hours to days to weeks. The record is three months, when all modern art in the city was banned by Explorer XIII for a period of three months during a midnight session, when the qurom was barely present. (He passed the bill with only five fellow councilmen present, all too tired to vote "nay".) The moratorium was lifted and that poor cultist finally got to stop.


 * SHADE VI: Regalia violet
 * Cost: Varies

This daunting task is to show how devoted one is to their Nuu and to the color purple. They must show this devotion by stopping the number one enemy of all things good: modern artists.

Weirdologists, be it single or in bands, are to find a modern artist and kidnap him. They are to succumb him to songs and the things that occur in Shade IV for one night. Hopefully, he's cured of his disease to make bad sculptures.

In the process, of course, they move up to the final level.

Signal Jamming

 * SHADE VII: 

The Cultist has done it all. He has sunk a fortune into the cult, and has shown his love of purple by attending meetings and tasks, Here is where things get serious. It's time... for SIGNAL JAMMING!


 * Cost: Tens of thouisands of pebbles

The highest levelled Weirdologists are led each week into the center of the headquarters, where they hook themselves up to beeping probe thingies, also known as "BPT".

Apparently, the BPT, when it starts beeping, actually allows the Cultist to communicate with their Nuu directly. Here, the Nuu will explain their situation and how well their host is doing.

The BPT emits signals that can actually halt the antennae in the Nuu's ghostly head. (Why they don't give BPTs at the start is a controversy.)

Only senior Weirdologists can administer the BPT to any other. Most Purples (Shade XII) aren't allowed to access this technology. It costs a lot.

Porkchop

 * Main article: Porkchop

[...]

Appearence
A proper Weirdologist

Anonymous

 * Main article: Anonymous

Trivia

 * Weirdologists seem to actually believe what they are paying for.
 * Looloo was actually Lord Carrion in disguise. He did this for the Lulz.
 * Even though modern art is the sworn enemy of the Sect, the terrorist group Anonymous actually attacks them, not the artists.
 * Xenu was here.


 * This parody of Scientology is actually more sane than the real deal. Don't believe us? Read the article. We dare you.


 * This is also a rather tight parody of EarthBound's Happy Happy Cult.


 * Why yes, this is intended to mock Scientology.