Penguin Tales/Pilot Script

(Agent Meltie and Jim are playing cards on a kitchen table. Agent is focused on her deck, but Jim is fast asleep. Meanwhile, Metalmanager is watching TV without a care in the world)

Agent Meltie: Got any eights, Jim?

(Jim snores)

Agent Meltie: Jim? Jim?! JIM!!!!!!!!

(Jim shoots up, flailing his arms wildly)

Jim: Oh, huh, what? Whazzgoinon?

Agent: RS has been in her bedroom for three hours, and we've wasted that much time, maybe even more, playing Go Fish on a dirty kitchen table!

Jim: Which means...I was asleep...on a dirty kitchen table...with my arms...GAH!

(He rapidly wipes invisible crumbs from his jacket, but is then surprised to see a tablecloth. He blushes, embarrassed)

Jim: Oh. Guess it really wasn't that dirty.

Metalmanager: Actually, I think she's been in the bathroom for three hours. I heard a flushing sound and running water.

Agent Meltie: Yep, that's my sister, all right. She sits in the bathroom playing Really Peeved Puffles all afternoon, despite the fact that she has her own bedroom!

(As if on cue, Rocket Slug steps out of her bedroom carrying a toaster, a bag of pistachios, and some paper cups)

Rocket: Hey, guys! Look what I've just created!

Agent: Anyone could build a toaster, dummyface.

Rocket: It's not a toaster. It's an automatic robotic nutcracker. Allow me to demonstrate.

(She then pushes the lever on the toaster. Toast pops out, then she backs away, opening the bag of nuts. The toaster soon becomes a big and obvious robot taller than her. RS gets small paper cups for everyone and puts nuts inside all of them)

RS: Observe.

(She gives a nut to the robot. It puts the nut in its "hand", then crushes the shell without damaging the nut inside)

Jim (in fake awe): Wooooooooowzah! Will it crack open Metalmanager's big ol' head to remove his brain so he will stop speaking such big smarty-pants words?

Metalmanager: My head isn't that big, is it? (Turning to Agent) Right?

Agent: Honestly, it's a watermelon up there with a brain to match.

Metalmanager (disappointed): Aw.

(Rocket has the robot open more pistachios. She returns some to Metalmanager)

MM: Hey, mine is smashed. Is this supposed to happen?

Rocket: Huh. No, it is not.

(The machine successfully karate-chops the table in half, then begins chopping everything in sight)

Agent (terrified): Oh, no! How are we going to stop it?

(Jim is surprised when Agent leaps into his arms)

Rocket: Metalmanager, you've got to use your head to think of something!

(The rampant robot begins making siren-type noises)

Metalmanager (loudly): What?! Use my bed to shrink a pumpkin?

RS (extremely loudly): I SAID USE YOUR HEAD TO THINK OF SOMETHING!

Jim (having an enigma): That's right! Use your head!

(Everybody picks him up and uses him as a batteringram headed straight into the nutcracker. The robot then explodes in a mess of burnt toast)

Jim: We did it! We killed the robot! (to Metalmanager) And it was all thanks to you and your big, smart watermelon noggin.

Metalmanager: Thanks. Ouch.

Rocket: But what about our nuts?

(Metalmanager, Agent, and Jim crack up)

Rocket: W-what? Was it something I said?

(Metalmanager stands up and pulls out an uncracked pistachio)

Metalmanager: They're really not that difficult to open. Jeez, Melts, your sister sure is wimpy.

(Rocket Slug watches as Metalmanager attempts to open the nut, failing every time. Metal looks over his shoulder and sees Agent laughing at him)

Metalmanager: Aw, man, this nut must be defective.

Rocket: Are you...blushing?

Metalmanager: Well, the thing is, uh, y'know, the humidity...ACTIVATE ROCKET DEVICE!

(He presses his watch, but instead of a rocket appearing on his back, it makes the igloo explode)

Metalmanager: Oh, nuts.

(The screen fades to black.)