The Absurd Mission/Chapter 10

Chapter Ten: The "Battle" in the Mine
They entered the mine, and were surprised to see Tern004 and his regiment of 20 RDA Troopers already there along with the bus.

"FRAZ, HOW DID YOU GET THAT IN HERE?"

"Eh, I just busted a few doors." Fraz said casually.

"Okay... That's not something you hear every day."

Austin dug around in his inventory and chucked out a few weapons. "Here y' go. Hand these out. BTW, just charge in the bus. It'll work wonders."

"You! Regiment of RDA Troopers! You guys pound them with fire. Rex, you get in the Metaltron and go to the boiler room. You'll hit them when they run."

He pointed over to the bounty hunters. "You guys pound them with firepower also. Watch out for Piper."

Suddenly, he heard noises.

"Fisch? Are you here?"

Austin slowly reeled his RDA Gun over towards the door of the mine.

"On three, guys."

The Hochstadts ran into the mine.

Jock, Piper, Corai, Gottfried, Bernard, Brendan-Stars, Vickers Vanguard, Yilk, and Fuut-Ga all came into the mine.

"Hey, where's Fisch?" said Jock.

Then he looked up.

"OH CRUD! IT'S A TRAP!"

He was hit with several missles to the face. Chaos ensued. The bus suddenly revved up with a horrendous noise, and blew threw the Hochstadts, hurling Brendan and Bernard into the wall. Loud cracks ensued. Gottfried charged forward with his sword, but then the RDA Regiment switched over to Flamethrower mode and he got a fire bath. Gasping and hacking, he rolled around, with several two degree burns.

Piper flew at them like a whirlwind, smacking and hitting RDA Troopers. Austin grabbed him and threw him towards the pool. Piper came back and started hand to hand fighting with Java. Jock had managed to run down the pool, but then Rex and the Metaltron came out of the Boiler Room and into the pool. Jock screamed as he was electro-blasted and knocked out instantly. Rex then charged, yelling "exterminate." He was clearly having fun. Corai was blown down with the first wave of missiles, and Yilk and Vickers tried to run.

Java then got the upper hand (flipper?) over Piper and smacked him upside the face, knocking him out. Yilk was hit by Wiona (who was an amazing shot with a banana blaster) and Clarence, and Vickers had been hit by Johnathan.

Fezzik the giant had walked over to Bernard and shook him upside down.

"I think this guy awake."

Austin ran over to the Hochstadts and lined them up.

"Gottfried, Bernard, Brendan Stars, Jock, Piper, Corai, Yilk, Vickers, Fisch... WAIT A SECOND. DAVE, CLOVIS, AND THAT PUFFLE ARE MISSING!"

He ranted and raged.

"I. WANT. THEM!!!"

He went over to Bernard, who Fezzik was holding upside down.

"Ey! You! Soccer coach dude! Go to the EPF and get Dave and Clovis to come down here. If they know it's a trap, these guys (he gestured to the Hochstadts) are going to be in a lot of pain. Now get!"

Austin kicked Bernard, and he scrambled out of the mine.

"Good. He should be back here with Dave and Clovis and Leon in a bit. Now, men, format our battle plan. I know he's going to reveal it to them, and we'll get EPF Agents swarming in by the bucketloads. And EBUL Agents. I hate those guys. What we're going to do is head over to Diamond Falls. Then, that's a better place to fight. Call in a few aircraft, SN. We'll need them."

SN looked impressed.

"Wow, this is the first time they've all been in one place."

SN then proceeded over to the Hochstadt Gang and started kicking them for "various offenses they had commited against him."

This had gone perfectly. On the way to the RDA Base, however, something strange happened.

You Shall Not Pass
Austin, Rex, Java, the RDA Regiment, Fraz and his fellows in the bus, Johnathan, SN, Tern004, John, and the Hochstadt Gang Members (who were tied up) headed over to the base, merely from the Mine to the RDA Recycling Center.

However, something blocked them.

An angry looking EBUL Member was staring them down and in their way. Austin yelled at him.

"EY! YOU! MOVE IT!"

He stared Austin in the eye and didn't say anything.

Austin got mad. Quickly.

"MOVE IT, YOU BUM!"

He didn't move.

"I am CPMaster, owner of this stretch of ground. And I'm not backing down."

Rex moved forward.

"Lemme do this."

He climbed into the Metaltron and charged straight at CPMaster, full force! Then he stopped an inch from CPMaster's face.

CPMaster hadn't budged.

"ALRIGHT, YOU'RE MAKING ME ANNNNNNGRY." said Rex. He tasered CPMaster. Hard.

CPMaster fell over. "AUGHHHHHHHHH WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" he cried.

Rex grinned evilly. "Now move it!"

CPMaster didn't move. In the bus, Winona was watching the whole thing go down. She climbed out and waddled over to CPMaster and poked him with her flipper as she spoke.

"There's a whole bus full of kids and a lawyer, a few mercenaries, and my dad trapped up in this mine. You're blcoking our only exit. So COME ON, ya measely wimp, MOVE!"

Another voice called out from the bus. It was Albert.

"You'd better listen to Winona, sir. She has ways."

"Like I'd really listen to some chick, especially one in that getup." CPMaster commented, gesturing to Winona's long skirt and vest. Winona glared and clenched her flippers, like a man would their fists. She closed her eyes and tried counting to ten.

"Sir, you're going to wish you stayed home today if you keep insulting my sister like that. She's very easily angered."

"I don't fear a little kid."

Winona kicked CPMaster. Hard. If penguins had shins, she aimed for that.

"AAAHH! OW OW OW!" CPMaster shouted.

"Ratsum fratsum digging dumb google hamper frogs gatekeeper!" Winona mumbled as she got back on the bus. A few whispers were heard between Winona, and apparently, Fraz, who was in the bus. He leaned out of the bus and made a loud whistle.

"Everybody on the bus! Winona and Katherine suggested a BRILLIANT idea! Yes, you too, Austin and crew!"

They got on, filling the bus comepletely to its capacity. The bus was cranked on. It revved to life, spewing exhaust into the mine. For the first time, CPMaster looked worried.

"You wouldn't. You wouldn't!"

"WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Fraz floored it and ran clean over CPMaster. (He survived fairly well.) Since they were in the back of the mine, there was only one way could go out.

"WHO'S UP FOR CART SURFER!" Fraz shouted to the passengers.

"ALL RIGHT!" Winona and Russel both shouted, always eager to do something dangerous.

"OOOHH NOOOOO!" Albert responded.

"I'm going to lose my lunch!" Rex added.

Fraz made swift work of Cart Surfer, turning violently on the rail tracks. His bus was but two inches from the ceiling of the mine and half an inch from either wall. He was tearing scratches into the walls, though his bus was amazingly unharmed. The bus was almost too big to make the turns.

"Hey Fraz," Austin shouted, "Does this bus do tricks?"

"As I always say... ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!" Fraz responded, chuckling.

"Is that a tracking bracelet on your foot?" a trooper asked.

Before there was a response, Fraz pulled a lever near the tape deck and the bus sped up even more. They arrived out of the Mine Shack, or, to be more precise, they hurtled out of the Mine Shack several feet into the air.

"WWAAAAAHOOOOO!!"

The speeding bus hit the snow and made a sharp right turn.

SMASH!

A big hole was torn through the RDA Recycling Center. Everyone cheered, partially because they won, partially because the ride was over.

Fraz opened the door to the bus.

"Everyone out single file, please, kids included."

Like an old-timey field trip, the passengers stood out and filed into the damaged Recycling Center.

"Austin, I think you can make the victory speech, or whatever you wish, out here. I'll be in the bus."

Fraz went back in and turned off the engine. All of the mercenaries, troopers, and Fraz's children (plus that lawyer) looked at Austin, expecting him to say something.

Austin Says Something
"......... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

Austin thought for a bit. Darn, this was SN's kind of thing. Making speeches and stuff.

"I'd like to congratulate everyone who helped me capture the Hochstadt Gang this time... And... Err.... Lemme think. This has been a peculiar mission-two weeks of recon always is-and I thank Fraz for helping us win the battle, you guys (he gestured to the bounty hunters) for always helping, and SN for sending me on this mission. Oh yeah, and the RDA. Surprisingly, we won this time, and I'm happy about that. And also worth mentioning are John, who helped out a lot, and yeah. There have been some not so great parts of the mission. I got hit by lightning. Twice. And I had to do 4 hours of community service and stay in jail for 2 days... and that stupid Turtlecopter that kept poking me in the rear with that spring and those danged inquisition . However, there has been a lot of good stuff about this mission, and---"

CRASH!

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE ANTARCTIC INQUISITION!" said a capirote-wearing minion, as a jarring chord was heard.

There was an awkward silence.

"Oops. Wrong building."

The Inquisition left.

"Okayyyyyyyyyy........ Anyway, I'd like to thank Fraz and his kids (that bus was helpful), John (for the Metaltron), Rex, Java, Johnathan, and Vincent for being awesome, and the RDA. Anyway, we have the Hochstadt Gang captured. At this point, we just ransom off a couple of them and keep about two prisoner, and LONG LIVE SNOWZERLAND!"

"Hmm..." he thought. "That was a bit cheesy, but it wasn't bad."

Then SN in all his regal splendor stepped up.

"It was the glorious year of 2009 when I founded Snowzerland. Today, I announce a great triumph for Snowzerland. I have conquered the Hochstadt Gang, and this shows us how to reach to new heights, go where nobody has gone before, sit in jacuzzis with my-never mind about that last one. I am very proud of Austin (and mostly myself) and I delight in the capture of the Hochstadt Gang. We have shown Gaston and Fisch, my bothersome brothers, who is boss, and I proclaim this as a great day. Also..."

Austin's eyes started to flicker. SN's speeches were long, and boring as heck. He wasn't the only one getting drowsy. Fraz yawned and leaned over the steering wheel. Fraz's chicks all climbed back into the bus and tossed the Hochstadt gang out of said bus as they began to nap as well. Some of the bounty hunters sat down, yawning, and soon, everyone was snoozing.

"... Which is why I am so great. I'll take care of these Gang traitors."

There was a pause.

"Why does everyone always fall asleep in my speeches?"

The penguins yawned a bit and starteched as they awoke.

"Now, what are we going to do with the Gang? They always escape if you turn your back for a second!" Rex noted.

"He's right." Austin said, looking at Fisch, who was trying to break his chains.

"I'd help ya," Fraz said from in the bus, "-but my brother's the one that unlawfully detains folks."

"Yeah." Austin said, rolling his eyes.

Several troopers had kept their eyes glued on the Gang. They hadn't escaped... Yet. The question is what they'd do with them.

Austin sighed.

"Well, of COURSE we can't just shove them into jail because there's obviously going to be a loose brick or some other prisoner that helps them or a lazy guard or SOMETHING, I dunno, but THEY'RE GOING TO GET AWAY IF WE JUST SHOVE THEM IN JAIL. THEY ALWAYS DO."

He thought for a while.

"Errr... How about we put them in the bottom level of the RDA Base?"

SN leapt up from his lawn chair.

"NO, THAT'S MY-wait, no, that's okay."

Austin was confused, but he let it pass.

"Okay, we'll just put them in the jail cells. BUT THIS TIME..."

Two Hours Later

"I think this is a bit redundant." Rex said, as Austin, Rex, and all the RDA Troopers sat on top of the jail cells with guns pointed at the Hochstadt Gang.

"Yes, but THEY CAN'T ESCAPE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Austin, have you SLEPT during this mission?" said a perplexed Java.

"Not really. That coffee at the coffee shop is good. I've had like, 15 mochas."

"That can't be good for your health."

"Man, I'm so tired I could drink this stuff!" cried Austin.

"NO, THAT'S CACTUS JUICE!" screamed Rex.

An Hour Later

"This is really, really, really, boring."

"BUT THEY CAN'T ESCAPE!"

"Austin, you really need some sleep."

Five Hours Later

Everyone had left to go to bed.

That is, everyone EXCEPT Austin.

"I'm watching you! I see that! I see you're moving your hand! I see you playing Rock, Paper, Scissors! You can't escape this time!"

Fisch looked over at him.

".... Seriously? How can we escape? We're in the RDA Base, we can't go UP the elevator, no access, no weapons, these bars are made out of solid steel and the keys are with SN, and there's 20 RDA Troopers around the place. Plus, how can we play Rock+Paper+Scissors? We don't even have fingers!"

"Errr... Y'know, you might have a point there."

The Next Day
Austin awoke from the stasis chamber. Hmm, 9:00 AM. He hadn't slept that long. Fraz and the bus's occupants were sleeping in a rental igloo, and his fellow bounty hunters were presumably awake. Ah, Bernard had probably brought the news. Now Clovis and Dave would probably break their friends out, judging as Tern004 said they had access and had been here before.

He went to the jail cells instantly. However, when he was there, all the cells were empty.

"THEY'RE GONEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Rex appeared out of the elevator.

"No, they're at the lunch hall. We have to feed prisoners. Duh."

Austin sighed.

"Look, I happen to NOT want them to escape this time. Now, listen. I want you to give Dave and Clovis access to the place. They're going to try to break them out. Of course, one or two will get away, but I'd be happy to trade Vickers Nobody for Clovis or Dave any day of the week."

Suddenly, an alarm rang through the base.

""

Austin brandished his gun.

"I knew it!"