Tales from the Laboratory

Opening
On the night before Halloween, Parf was hanging out with Chibi Pengu in the Lair of Evilosity, telling "scary" stories in the spirit of the holiday. Dr. Warp emerged from his laboratory, carrying a trashcan filled with used paper towels drenched in green liquid.

Parf: Just then, I flipped over the couch cushion... And do you know what I found?

Chibi Pengu: What???

Parf: EVIL PENGY'S SOCK! Oooh, spooooooky!

Chibi Pengu: ...That's not scawwy.

Parf: It wasn't washed for like, three weeks.

Chibi Pengu: Then it's a wittle scawwy, I suppose.

Warp: What are you two up to?

Parf: Telling scary stories! PARF!

Warp: Hm. I feel like I should tell you that you aren't very good at it, although Evil Pengy's laundry can be pretty terrifying.

Parf: Aww...

Warp: You know, if you want to hear some actual scary stories, you can join me in the lab.

Parf: I-

Chibi Pengu: Wes pwease.

Warp: Good, I could use the company. It gets lonely down there... Which makes me more depressed... I really need a new job... Sorry, what was I talking about again? Oh right, scary stories. Come with me.

The three descend down the steps into Warp's lab, where some sort of large slab sits in the middle of the room.

Parf: So, whatcha working on?

Warp: Oh, Evil Pengy wanted some way to keep away the trick or treaters tomorrow. Basically, it's a weight-triggered panel that springs up and throws whatever was on it backwards. Watch.

Warp takes a bucket of miscellaneous parts and sets it on the panel. A giant spring begins to push the panel backwards, but goes too far and lands upside down on the floor, crushing the bucket and its contents.

Warp: ...It's not done yet. Anyway, I'm thinking of calling it the "Trick-or-Chucker". Don't step on it unless you want to be smooshed.

Chibi Pengu: So, about those scawwy stowies?

Warp: Oh, right. I call this one... The Mad Surgeon.

The Mad Surgeon
Once upon a time, on one of those really miserable days... You know the ones, when it's cloudy and looks like it's about to rain, but then it never actually rains so everything's just awful and sad. Anyway, this one guy caught a cold a few days earlier, and decided to go to a walk-in clinic on said miserable day.

Sick Penguin: ACHOO!

The penguin was also a scrub who didn't understand the concept of covering your coughs and sneezes. Serves him right catching a cold.

Sick Penguin: Hey, can I see a doctor?

Secretary: Lucky for you nobody's been here all day. Just go down that hall and he'll be with you shortly.

Sick Penguin: Thanks.

Secretary: Poor guy...

The penguin went into the room and sat there, continuing to spread his germs all over everything. A few minutes later, the doctor entered the room.

Dr. Barrbuh: Hmm... Apologies for the delay, child. What ails you?

Sick Penguin: Well, I caught this cold a few days ago, and-

Dr. Barrbuh: Hmm... A cold, you say? Yes... You need surgery.

Sick Penguin: Are you insane??? It's just a common cold!

Dr. Barrbuh: Surgery heals all ailments, child.

Sick Penguin: Nope, nope, nope nope nope, NOPE, nope, I'm out of here!

Dr. Barrbuh: Dread it, run from it, surgery arrives all the same, child.

Sick Penguin: Nope, you're crazy, goodbye!

And with that, the penguin dashed out of the clinic. The end.

Chibi Pengu: You mean that was it?

Parf: When does the scary part happen?

Warp: Barrbuh was the scary part! He prescribes surgery for everything, that's scary!

Parf: Not really feeling it. PARF!

Warp: ...Surgery?

Parf: Nope.

Warp: Fine. Looks like I have to pull out the big guns. I call this next one... Thief in the Night.

Thief in the Night
It was an unusually cold night on Chill Island. Everything was quiet as everyone headed home and the businesses closed for the night. But within the headquarters of the Chill Island Protection Force, a very important mission was underway.

Prepostera: It's time. Tonight will be the night we catch... Him.

Him. He was the CIPF's top agent, yet even the vague mention of that dastardly criminal sent chills down his spine. He didn't want to look like a wimp in front of his superior, so he put on a brave face anyway.

Kalen: What are my orders?

The scientist opened up a box and pulled out a bodysuit that looked like it belonged to a ninja.

Prepostera: This is my latest invention, the Camouflage Suit. When you wear it, push the belt buckle and you'll become practically invisible.

Kalen: Cool, I've always wanted to be a ninja!

Prepostera: Now listen carefully. When he arrives, use your taser as soon as possible. Do NOT engage in a physical confrontation unless absolutely necessary, and for the love of Kermit, don't try to bring him in by yourself. Call for backup. Understood?

Kalen: Roger.

With his mission assigned, the agent made his way to the Mario's Fryz restaurant for the stakeout. He reached for the door, but hesitated. Was he really about to do this? No, he could do this. He HAD to do this. Chill Island- no, all of Antarctica was counting on him. Thinking about the raise he was probably going to get if he managed to pull this off didn't hurt either. After one last sigh of anxiety, he opened the door and went inside, locking it behind him.

Kalen: Let's do this.

He pushed the belt buckle as instructed and was covered in flawless camouflage, as if he wasn't even there. He stood in the corner, keeping a vigilant watch for the nefarious thief all night. Hours passed with no sign of him.

Kalen: What's taking so long?

The night drew on. Minutes began to feel like hours for the poor agent. Eventually, a beam of light shone through the front of the restaurant. It was morning. Had he anticipated the mission? There was only one way to find out.

Kalen: Well, here goes nothing...

The moment of truth. He went to look at the fries and... They were gone. Like a ghost, he came in and stole the fries without even being seen. The Fry Thief struck again.

As Warp finished his story, he realized Parf was hyperventilating in panic.

Warp: Okay, too scary. Maybe I should've led up to that one.

Warp smacked Parf in the face to get him to snap out of it.

Parf: PARF!

Warp: You good?

Parf: Yeah... That fry guy is on my list.

Warp: I'll dial it back for the next one then, mostly because that was the scariest story I had anyway. Get ready for Gaming the System.

Gaming the System
The mysterious Mister Rare had arrived overnight, seemingly out of thin air. Nobody really questioned it, of course. That was the way it had always been. As usual, many penguins had arrived to browse his selection of strange and wonderful things.

Scrubbypingu: What's this?

Mister Rare: You have a fine eye for good products. This pair of bunny ears transforms the wearer into a rabbit until they take it off.

Scrubbypingu: That sounds SPLASH! You should give it to me for free.

Mister Rare: My wares are not to be given away as free samples! If you want it, you'll have to pay.

Scrubbypingu: I don't have to pay for it because I said so.

Mister Rare: That's not how I run my business.

The penguin ran away from Mister Rare, because that was a fact. This is because he was afraid of facts. After that incident was over, another penguin passed by before being stopped by Mister Rare.

Mister Rare: Excuse me sir, you seem to be the type who enjoys video games, are you not?

Penquino: Yeah, how'd you know?

Mister Rare: Intuition.

Penquino: So what's it to you?

Mister Rare: I have just the thing for you... Night of the Living Sled: The Video Game.

Penquino: There's a video game about Night of the Living Sled? I never heard of it.

Mister Rare: Of course you haven't, that's because there wasn't.

Penquino: Huh?

Mister Rare: It was never released to the public. Something about the entire development team dying mysteriously, so I heard. I have in my possession the one and only copy of the final prototype in Antarctica.

The development team died mysteriously? Probably a coincidence. Heck, it was probably just a bogus story made up to sell something no one would buy. Yet, the idea of owning the sole copy of a never released game was intriguing...

Penquino: Alright, I'll bite.

The penguin paid Mister Rare for the game and took it home. When he opened the case, he realized the disc was blank with "sled.exe" crudely written on it with black marker. He ignored it and inserted the disc into his computer. After he booted up the game, the familiar tune from the Night of the Living Sled short films started playing, except distorted.

Penquino: Must be a glitch.

And then it started playing backwards too, why not. And the entire screen turned dark red! The title screen was understandably creeping him out, so he decided to just move on and play the game. A small penguin popped up on the screen in a snowy monochrome landscape. He pressed the arrow keys to move the penguin along, when suddenly the Living Sled bounced in from offscreen! He tried to run, but unfortunately the game was frustratingly programmed that the sled was faster than your player character under all circumstances.

Penquino: That's cheap...

On his next life, he went the other way instead, hoping for a better result, but was once again assaulted by the sled. Other ideas, such as attempting to jump over the sled, failed as well until he was out of lives. Rather than a standard game over screen, he was met with a gruesome cinematic of the sled stomping the player character into bits, after which the game crashed. He was so disgusted and terrified that he threw the disc in a box and never touched it again. The end.

Evil Pengy: Really? A "I bought a spooooky video game oh noooo" story? Those are so overdone.

Warp: Oh, Evil Pengy. How long have you been here?

Evil Pengy: Long enough to hear that lame story.

Warp: Oh really, you think you can do any better?

Evil Pengy: Actually, I do. Prepare yourselves for The Scariest Story Ever Told in the History of Scary Stories!

Warp: You're not very good with titles, are you?

Evil Pengy: Shut up.

The Scariest Story Ever Told in the History of Scary Stories
Many years ago, I, the great and most evil of evil geniuses in all of history, Evil Pengy, was wandering around Club Penguin looking for ways to ruin their dumb Halloween Party.

Evil Pengy: I wonder how I could ruin this dumb Halloween Party.

That's when I got the brilliant idea to visit the Clothes Shop, and bought one of every single costume they had in stock. And of course, by bought, I mean ran away with it while laughing maniacally.

Evil Pengy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cashier: Oh no, we've been robbed! Quick, someone call the EPF!

A few minutes later Rookie showed up, probably because everyone else was busy playing Mancala or something, but he's about as useful as a bowl of hot soup when you're in a volcano, so the EPF's relevance in the story ends there. Now, it was time to execute my evil plan.

Evil Pengy: Time to execute my evil plan!

With all of the stolen costumes, I would go around trick-or-treating, and then change my costume and come back. Now there would be no candy for anyone but ME! How evil! But then something happened at the first house...

Mwa Mwa Ghost: Boo!

Evil Pengy: AHHHH!

Hundreds of Mwa Mwa Penguin ghosts poured out of the front door!

Mwa Mwa Ghost: Evil Pengy! We have been sent to judge woo for your cwimes against Antawctica! Now we will take woo back with us to the Ghost Dimension FOREVER!!!

Evil Pengy: No thanks.

Then I pulled out a handheld vacuum and sucked up all the ghosts in one swoop. I didn't really know what to do with it, so I just left it in the snow for some unlucky loser to find.

Evil Pengy: Mwa Mwas are such a pain. Oh well, trick-or-treat time.

And so I went trick-or-treating many times and then got a ton of candy. Of course, now I was faced with a dilemma.

Evil Pengy: I want to eat this, but it would be a lot more evil to just waste it all...

I decided to eat a few handfuls of candy, and then dumped the rest into the ocean with a ton of other penguins watching just for kicks. The end.

Chibi Pengu: Boooooo!

Warp: You're kidding me, right? That wasn't even remotely scary.

Evil Pengy: It had freaking Mwa Mwa ghosts!

Warp: And the story didn't even focus on them, it was about you.

Evil Pengy: Yeah, that's because I'm way cooler.

Parf: I'm with Warp, that wasn't scary at all.

Evil Pengy: No one asked you!

Warp: I think it's better if I take the reins back on this.

Evil Pengy: Fine, I can criticize your lousy stories instead.

Warp: Can't be worse than that garbage. I call this one Nothing Personal.

Nothing Personal
It was supposed to be a normal, routine lunch break, and then they'd all head back to work. But this time was different, and it ended with a co-worker forever lost to the CyberVoid. All because of that stupid ninja.

Since then, he became incredibly paranoid that Stealth would come for him next. He quit his job the same day, and barricaded himself inside his igloo with a year's worth of supplies. He'd been living like this for a month now. Most penguins would probably say that's no way to live, but it beats an eternity floating around aimlessly in the CyberVoid, right? Well, that's what he thought, anyway.

Then, late that night... Thump.

Terrified, he peeked through the boards on his window. Phew, just some puffles. Nothing to worry about, or so he thought.